Happy Thanksgiving to us...

(LAST WEEK)

He can’t go on vacation with us so we will cut it a few days short.  We need to take advantage of Erwin having this time off.  Doesn’t happen very often.  A lot of my friends are happy that I will get a chance to sleep and have “me” time.  First off, I don’t sleep well anytime. That is why newborns were perfect for our family.  Secondly, “me” is made up of my husband, my kids and obviously the base of Amy.  Without any one of those pieces, I’m not fully me.  (But no doubt -- I love my friends!)

BioMom gave us no other choice but to use a respite family for 4 days and 3 nights.  Good thing about my Angel's support groups is getting to know the other Mommas.  This way I can pretty much hand pick the family to watch “Little Man” while we are away.  He is going to have a great time and hopefully not have too much of a hard time without us.  There are two little boys he will fall in love with.  Plus, they are an outdoors family.  The park and the beach are just a few things on their itinerary. 

When I picked up “Little Man” from his 4 hour unsupervised visit last week, I let BioMom know the name and a few details about the other family taking in her son.  I also told her, “We will be returning a few days earlier than we originally planned since we didn’t want to leave “Little Man” with a strange family for Thanksgiving.”  She immediately got sad eyes and said, “Awwee….Amy!!”  She felt bad.  And I was pleased as pie to see that.  I know she has a heart but I rarely see it. I think it’s very selfish that she wanted to have him with her for the 6 hours of visits she has over 2 days. We would have been gone for 7 days.  I would have made up the visits for her as she liked. It would have been no problem.  Hearing her dismay for the situation I was now in because of her, was reassuring that “Little Man’s” Mom does have an ability to feel for others.  Does feeling guilty about an action count under caring about others? Hmmm…

For Real ?!?!

(Still in October, about a week later)

Well, sure. She will get him back the 2^nd week of December. You know cuz she has had 1, just ONE, unsupervised visit of 2 hours.  That in itself proves that she is ready to raise this child.  From now till then, she will have to do 4 hour unsupervised, 8 hour unsupervised and overnight visits too. All during the Thanksgiving holiday and then we will have to send Little Man off right before xmas.  Fabulous gift!

I have really done it now. I will never complain about things moving slowly again.  (ya right!) I can’t believe he is really going to be gone in December.  Maybe this will be good timing.  We will be able to take a big break from Angel’s to heal our hearts.  The holidays will keep us busy and Erwin will be home for two of the weeks so we can focus on the kids too. Plus, if she fails, we will be ready to welcome “Little Man” back till his adoptive family is found.  This is going to be one heck of a Good-Bye Day!

 

Watch what you ask for…

Ugh! I totally jinxed myself.  Boy do we have stuff going on now.  I’m freaking out. It’s actually why I didn’t blog for a really longtime. I was emotionally frustrated and now I’m emotionally overwhelmed.  So let’s go back to October. 

. . . She is meeting with her Social Worker today and I have no clue what is going to happen but this has to start moving right? BioMom is completely excited. Unsupervised visits will begin! She is over the moon. Why shouldn’t she be, right? Now the big day is going to creep up on me and I will dropping “Little Man” off at her sober-living facility and I will have to leave him there. Drive away and return in 2 hours.  I’m gonna be sick!

The day is here.  I am to provide nothing for her now. She is to be prepared with anything and everything. Even at the supervised visits.  I’m on my way and as I exit the freeway I start to cry! WHUUT?!  I haven’t even dropped him off yet.  Plus, I have make-up on.  I got it under control.  Now I just have to hope I don’t have an IBS episode from worrying so freakin’ much!  I pulled up at the curb.  She walked out and grabbed him from the car.  I have made a boundary for myself.  I will not enter her home and she will not enter mine.  He is happy to see her and she is of course excited and nervous too. I pulled away and felt like my stomach was in my throat.  I just have to pray he is there in 2 hours. I have to keep my mind busy instead of thinking how she could possibly take off with him. 

I’m going to the brand new library downtown and going to enjoy peace and quiet while I do some digi scrapping! I’m not even going to look at my watch.  Of course after I set up my laptop, I look up and out of this big beautiful window in front of me only to find a gigantic clock tower staring right at me.  Classic! I turn my headphones on and press play on the ole iPod. Wynona’s “What the World Needs Now is Love”.  All about freakin’ patience and understanding. Ya ok… here come the tears. SKIP!  About 30 minutes go by and I look up from my laptop out the side window to find the trolley rollin’ by… headed to Tijuana, Mexico of course!! At that moment I knew she was on that trolley. LOL… I swear she was.  I still had about an hour and 10 minutes left before I could drive back to the building. 

Time’s up! I’m not calling her to let her know I’m on my way, ‘cuz she is there and she will be on time! I pull up at 12:26pm, 4 minutes early and bust out the Candy Crush.  It’s 12:30pm.  Door to the building is still shut.  12:31pm, nothing.  12:32pm… do I call my Angel’s worker or the County worker first? I can’t believe she ran.  I knew she would but I really can’t believe it is happening to me!! 12:33pm… 12:34pm… I go to text her and the door swings open with her and “Little Man” on their way out to my car. The most ridiculous 2 hours and 4 minutes ever!  

I pulled away from that building with the whitest knuckles on the steering wheel.  I couldn’t get home fast enough to wash him down, change his clothes and do a full body check.  I needed to squeeze him and kiss him so bad!  And I need nap!

----

I've just been in bed crying as quietly as I can as to not wake him up. Little Man is still the worst sleeper ever! Cutest curly hair but damn Gina! He can't sleep through the night but maybe once a week. And yes, he is 11 months old.

I'm typing now. Er thinks I'm getting a glass of water. It's 2am. Not sure why or how we are both awake. WARNING! MOM - DAD - CLOSE FRIENDS - LOOK AWAY - TMI -- We were kissing as quietly as we could -- OK - YOU CAN LOOK AGAIN -- and after, just lying there, I started crying. Not because I love this man so much and I can't believe he is with me 19 years later, but because I told him "I want to hold your hand more." It's hurts my heart because I am so tired from the daily grind of being a mom of 3 while my husband busts his butt supporting us. We barely have time to hold hands. My heart is breaking because the thoughts of resenting my bee-utiful Little Man have entered my tired mind. I ask myself pretty much on a daily basis, most definitely on Mondays and Thursdays, "When he is leaving?" "Why do I have to sit here and watch her (biomom) struggle with how to play with him or hold him?" "When is she (S.W.) going to make up her mind and either give him back or give him the life he deserves?" "Why are they all just sitting there while I take care of him and don't get to make any decisions about his future?!?"

-- Hubby just came down looking for me! -- I need to be brutally honest because I know that is what makes me feel better with no meds. Stories and lies from others to myself are what has kept me down for so long. I will be honest and not care who knows what! Well, you know, not about everything! I love this little boy so much! But It's just not fair! It's stopped being fair about 6 months ago! He turns 1 in less than a month. And he is being held in mid-air not knowing if anyone is there to catch him. You know who is holding him up there? Me! I'm dangling him with loving arms and a full heart! Somehow I don't feel like it counts. No matter how many people tell me that I am giving him so much that will help him later. I'm still dangling him and tonight I felt him slip a little. It hurts so much. I would never let anyone in my life slip. My friends and family know that. But I am not in control here. This sucks. God -- this sucks! The sick thing is I know that when he moves on I will do this all over again. lol... Sick or hilarious?! I know it will be better just for the fact I will know how it feels and that it could last awhile. I will be a bit more prepared right? The experience under my belt.

It's crazy late or crazy early. Erwin is wondering what the heck I'm doing down here.

Night!
:)Amy

I could never do that...

http://www.tredways.org/2013/01/31/i-could-never-do-that/

I could have written this word for word.  Instead, I'll take the easy way out and let you read what she has to say!

:)Amy

Priorities Please

When was the last time I said anything about how "Little Man" was doing without bringing up the drama which is aka "BioMom"? I think it's over due. I'm about to get my priorities straight for a bit.
Things are going to be changing in the next few weeks. That means "Little Man" is going to be going through stuff he has never had to deal with. Nor have I. Now that he is used to his schedules and knows whose keys are jingling at the front door, when he doesn't get to see BioMom like he is supposed to, it will be interesting to see how he handles it.

"Little Man" is doing amazing! As of this evening, he has 5 teeth! He can crawl and is steadily starting to cruise the furniture! I didn't remember how this stage actually keeps my living room cleaner since they pick up and grab onto everything in their sight. We can actually have people come in the house now. BUT... they can't go past the gate into the rest of the house. Just an FYI.

He is hilarious and he knows it. Loves to be involved in whatever is going on around him. If we are telling a funny story while he is playing, all of a sudden he laughs out loud. Most of the time it's a fake laugh which makes us laugh even harder. I just hope he doesn't understand what he is laughing at. (not always PG) Oh Boy!

Ethan has continued his hunt for things to make "Little Man" giggle. It's his favorite thing to hear. Everything Ethan does, "Little Man" laughs at. If he trips, if he gets in trouble and especially if he tries to "get him", there are hysterical baby laughs! Nothing compares to that!

He loves almost all FOODs! Not a fan of Green Beans or real Bananas. After a bite of either he shivers as if he instantly got the chills. lol... we all crack up! He tweaks his neck and shakes it off. Green Beans have permanently left the menu but we are still trying to hide the nana's in anything and everything. His favorite thing to do while I'm cooking or working in the kitchen is eating big chunks of fruit. The kid takes small bites, chews and swallows. It's so unreal. Sometimes he puts too much in his mouth but he grabs it out and starts again. Trying to grow up way too fast!

He has learned to clap his hands and some days he does it ALL day!! But he is so cute when he does. He still calms down or will totally stop what he is doing when I start to sing the ABC's in Spanish. English has no affect on him. Crazy! I do love it though. I wonder if he will always have the link with me through that song. That would be so cool!

:)Amy

She's Baaack!!

Not really, she is actually leaving. LOL.... It just didn't sound the same to say She's Leeeeaving!!  As of last week she is leaving the house the first week of September. Let me clarify a bit more. SHE says she is leaving the house after giving 2 weeks notice in August. Nope, don't understand either. I will for sure be asking what the heck that means at my next group. I had no clue you had to give notice to leave a place you were court ordered to be. But then again, I don't have many friends ordered by the courts to recover in a sober living home. If only...

Waiting for a call back from the county SW. As this has become the usual the last month.  Kathleen is having to work harder for us and "Little Man". Seems she is having to call the SW every week with some kind of clarification question. Last week it was verifying BioMom asking for extra visits on the weekend at the house. Not so fast chica!! Looks as if she thought we weren't paying attention. No passes from the house + No permission from the SW = No more house visits. She got an extra one at Erwin's expense a few weeks back. I don't think that move is going to help her out very much! This weeks question is where is BioMom going now??

Now if she only would have made it to the drs appt on time!!

:)Amy