End of summer so I thought I better start again somehow. Here I am 2 days after a stupid mistake of not refilling my most important meds. It just wasn't a priority I guess. Well, that was until I didn't have them to take and I knew deep down that I better get them refilled ASAP or I would face the wrath of my system freaking out. And on Wednesday it freaked out. Good thing I had them to take and my family was forgiving and supportive. That means Abby slept with me through the morning and Erwin was welcoming to me bringing the kids to him for the remainder of the day so I could just be in quiet for a bit then go back to bed for my meds to kick in. I was up for a few hours while the kids went to bed and then i headed to bed before Er did that night. I hate them as much as I love them. The pills that is. There are so many days where I wish I didn't ever have to take a pill again and then the other ones I am so glad I can make it through those crazy days without one ounce of anxiety! Thing is I haven't done much else to get to the point of no anxiety. I went to one Pysch appt which was so-so and I never called a therapist for ongoing help. And I really don't need help...I think I just need direction. Just point me in the right direction. Or at least confirm that I am headed in the right direction. I know which way to go ... I know what I want and how to get it. I just need someone to tell me yes, that is how you could do it. When I am at my worst, it;s not like I am doing bad things or making bad choices. I just don't do anything, I don't make any choices. I don't move anywhere. And I just let life happen around me. And it's funny, cuz the only way people other than my husband know whats going on is when I tell them. Other than that, when I am out, I put on a show. I can't let anyone know how I am being more lazy than lazy and not taking care of myself at all. I take care of the kids, the dog and my husband (to a certain extent-he's an adult-he can handle himself). Everything else falls to the waist side. Even the things that make me happy.
We have the wedding of the century coming up in 2 weeks. I mean that whole-heartedly and somewhere in there is sarcasm of course. But really my sister has taken this on like a superstar and will have the wedding of her dreams. Part of me is jealous. She is having the wedding of her dreams. She works her butt off and can do that along with help from everyone. But sometimes I feel maybe I am so blah with it because if I would have worked harder I could have had a huge wedding of my dreams too. Not that my day wasn't what it should have been , but ya know. It's going to be neat to get all fancied up with my babies and my man. Ive lost probably 10 pounds in the last 5 months. Not sure where the hell it came off of, cuz my thighs are still there fighting with my legs and ass, as well as still looking 3 months pregnant if I let out my gut! I guess the pictures will tell!
I feel a little lighter after writing all this. I haven't even re-read it yet. lol...I'm such a perfectionist. So--- on to the so-called norm I call the rest of my life. It's been sitting there waiting for me patiently only with a few outbursts of "what the hell are you waiting for?!?!?!" Might as well with only 1 short months till I'm 33 yrs old and 4 months till a new year!
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