Focusing

Enough is enough. I have waited till I can find the right moment with the right thing to say so when the next person who reads it will see that I am productive, getting ahead and staying strong. This blog should help someone else focus on what's important. That has been my mind set for the past 3 months and I have gotten almost no entries done. Part is I feel like I have to tell you all everything that is going on in my life. That is if I leave something out, I am not going to be holding up my end of the friendship/communication bargain. I mean really, don't you have to know everything going on in my life to know how I am?

I just watched the Oprah about the mom who left her 2 yr old in the car for over 8 hours while she was at work. It wasn't in her normal routine to take the baby to daycare so she just completely forgot once she was on the road. She went into auto-pilot. All these other moms called in and wrote in saying that is exactly what could happen to them if they don't stop right now. I'm telling you that is what could be happening to me. Difference is it will be something like pulling out of the driveway without both kids in the car or without me looking behind me to make sure there aren't cars coming.

2 weeks ago it was my daughters best friends birthday party. Both kids had been looking forward to it all week. I of course used it as a behavior tool..."if you don't blah blah blah you won't go to the party!" I had been looking at the invite every morning and afternoon for 4 or 5 days prior and especially the morning of. The party was at 1pm. Perfect ... I get to sleep in and get up when the kids do, eat at a leisurely pace, give the kids their showers as well as myself, and hey Ethan can even clean his room before we head out. We get to the party place at 1:10pm and I don't recognize anyone and sure cant find the birthday girl. I ask the front desk what is going on and she says our friends party is over it actually began at 11:00 that morning. HORRIBLE MOTHER! That was the first thought in my mind. I had to tell the kids, especially Abby that we now had to go home because I messed up. All she knew was she couldn't play with her friends. She bawled and was so sad. I was devastated that I did this. I just don't do these things.

I had not been focusing and messed up. Now after watching this show I feel that may have been God just throwing a little pebble at me to wake me up and tell me to slow down. I really don't want the big brick to be thrown my way! I am not going to be the "Perfect Mother" now nor ever. I need to learn how to get over that. The sooner the better. I have another friend that has finally gotten up the courage to admit she is fighting Post Partum Depression and has stopped faking it in front of her Dr that she is okay. She has started her meds and I think from recent conversations she is feeling a tad more in control now. We all need a break. I really feel this empowerment about me choosing to take a nap pretty much every day. ( I cant believe I just admitted to that) Sometimes I have a big chunk of time and sometimes its 20 minutes. But if I don't rest, I am no good to anyone. I admit I cannot do it all. And even well rested I cannot do it all. Some things I do better than others. And that is okay. It's okay.

I am committing to myself to continue to write here every night before I go to bed. I'm usually trying to finish up an email anyway. I can throw something in here whether it be a "GOD Moment" a "Mommy Moment" or an "OMG-what-the-heck-am-I going-to-do-now-Moment". I hope some of you, my dear friends, will think about doing the same. Take time for you. Just breathe! I just did!