Goodbye Day - Part 1

The kids said their big goodbyes the night before. Before bedtime. Hard to watch but I think I was still a little disconnected from the reality of it all. Erwin went to work in the morning and decided to leave early to help me and then take the next day off to support me, grieve with me, whatever ya want to call it. I still don’t know. We walked out the front door to start what looked like our normal day. Not 10 seconds later we were reminded this is not a normal day.  “Little Man” refused to get in the car. Huh? He loved getting the car, most of the time. If he refused, Abby could get him in or a toy/blankie bribe would always get him in. Nope, he was screaming and would not sit in the seat. He knew just as well as we did, something different was happening today.  I had to take him out and walk around the yard for about 1 minute to calm him down. I promised him McD’s pancakes and he was good.  Abby already started crying before the car was on. By the time we got to drop off circle at school, she was in a full blown ugly-cry meltdown.  She kissed him and I went against all the stay-at-mom rules and got out of the car in my xmas pajama pants, shirt with no bra, teeth not brushed, hair in a bun attire and just about carried her to the office.  I walked in passing everyone in line that was late and handed her off to my friend the attendance lady. Abby melted in her arms crying on her shoulder. I was crying by now and the rest of the office staff knew what was happening today without a word from me. The secretary mouthed to me that she would be watching her all day and checking in.  Thank God for bringing these amazing women into my life. They are my friends and I know my sweet girl will be ok. The rest of the morning was normal.  Ethan said goodbye in his mature, teenage boy, can’t be shaken way. I just drove to McD’s and then home looking in the rearview mirror every chance I got.  Thinking about how empty my car will feel every morning without him behind me. And let me tell you, two months later, the ride home remains very quiet.

Prep for "Goodbye Day"

I began packing his things. Toys he loves, books he eats, blankies he sucks on… I packed away the clothes that don’t fit and gave her most of the clothes that do fit because I know she doesn’t have many.  In the back of my mind, I am thinking that these clothes will smell like my home and give him some kind of comfort through this change.  Other thoughts also go through my mind like, heck no I’m not giving her these Ralph Lauren jeans. She will just sell them and make money for herself. I’m so petty. I only paid $4 for them at a consignment shop. But she doesn’t deserve Ralph Lauren jeans.  Plus, what if he comes back? I am going to need things for him to where. Really, there was no shortage of clothes for her or for me to keep.  I made a bigger deal out of it than I should of.  I pulled out his bin of baby things.  Toys that his grandma would bring him. His first outfit from the hospital. The clothes his BioMom bought him. His Easter basket, his Xmas stocking and all of his hospital belongings including his bracelet with his D.O.B., weight and length printed on it.  So many more things I kept for him.  All the things I would have kept for my own child.  Crying was an expected part of the packing.  Crying because every parent cries when their baby grows up. Looking back at how tiny he was. The socks and hats were teensy.  Crying because every parent hates when their child has their first sleepover right? Mine just happens to be 21 months old instead of 7yrs old.  Crying because I know deep deep down in the pit of my stomach that this is not what’s right for him. His BioMom is not going to be able to handle this.  He is headed for a rollercoaster no child should ever have to ride. And although I am strong and had him in my arms, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.

How we were going to actually do the hand off was a topic of conversation I had with many people.  I had no clue how we were going to do this.  Do we have lunch together and then say goodbye? Do we have the social worker pick him up and stay home to cry ourselves to sleep? (As I reread this for errors, I'm thinking "gosh did we have more questions than solid knowledge flowing?" Another freakin' question!) It continued... How are we going to do this?? The plan was made and it was executed as follows.  The morning of the kids still had school. We had made a drop off time for early afternoon giving me time to take the kids to school, pack up the rest of his things, drop him off and be back in time for kid pick up and the rest of our crazy day.

Do we want to know?

Erwin and I sat down many times throughout the last two years and talked vaguely about reunification. The details, that is.  We always knew he would be leaving.  As time went on, hoping it was to another family, we had to start breaking down into the details because it was almost go time. We always said, we wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with him if he goes back to bios because it would be super hard to watch him grow up lacking the basic needs we believe he should have.  Wait. Stop. It happens every day. Kids are raised in less than desirable environments. They sometimes leave and get on with a positive and fruitful life.  We get that.  But having a hand in the game and not being able to have a say just seems undoable for us. So, we will not be keeping in touch. Maybe ask for a picture now and then or an email with a little update. That will have to suffice for our hearts to not break. Who would have thunk that a week before we were to hand him over we would decide that maybe we can keep in touch once a month? Actually, I decided that I would keep in touch with BioMom and hopefully be given a visit with “Little Man” once a month. This has to be the healthiest way for him to know that we do love and care for him and will always be there should something fall apart along the way for his family.  Of course it was made a little easier when we were told by the SW that this family will be back in their offices.  "“Little Man” will be removed again." Ok. So she knows it’s not right for him to reunified, hence the recommendation for the past 21 months to terminate rights, but here you go unfit mother. Here’s your chance to breakdown your son before he can continue on with a semi-normal life.  Ok. I get it. What the heck??!!  …Side note… explanation to make that easier to digest came from conversations with various fosters. Veterans and newbies alike. See, BioMom has never had her son.  She messed up while she was prego but not while he has been alive outside of her. She has to be given a chance to “mother” him and most likely screw up before they can keep her away from him.  Makes sense huh? Don’t like it, but it makes sense. Don’t call me a bad mother if I’ve never had a chance to mother my baby. It makes sense to me and I would only hope I would be given the same chance.

Back to our role in his future…  If and when he is pulled from her custody again, we want to make sure he is not completely angry at us for abandoning him... Disappearing from his life.  By seeing him, he will know we are around and will protect him forever. Whether close or from a distance. Erwin is still not so convinced.  He wants nothing to do with BioMom. Ever. Totally understood. I will be the go between as I always have been.  'Gosh I hope I can handle this' was a final thought to many of my days before saying goodbye! I said it then and I say it now, even after I have seen him 3 times since he has returned.