I began packing his things. Toys he loves, books he eats,
blankies he sucks on… I packed away the clothes that don’t fit and gave her
most of the clothes that do fit because I know she doesn’t have many. In the back of my mind, I am thinking that
these clothes will smell like my home and give him some kind of comfort through
this change. Other thoughts also go
through my mind like, heck no I’m not giving her these Ralph Lauren jeans. She will
just sell them and make money for herself. I’m so petty. I only paid $4 for
them at a consignment shop. But she doesn’t deserve Ralph Lauren jeans. Plus, what if he comes back? I am going to
need things for him to where. Really, there was no shortage of clothes for her
or for me to keep. I made a bigger deal out
of it than I should of. I pulled out his
bin of baby things. Toys that his
grandma would bring him. His first outfit from the hospital. The clothes his BioMom
bought him. His Easter basket, his Xmas stocking and all of his hospital belongings
including his bracelet with his D.O.B., weight and length printed on it. So many more things I kept for him. All the things I would have kept for my own
child. Crying was an expected part of
the packing. Crying because every parent
cries when their baby grows up. Looking back at how tiny he was. The socks and
hats were teensy. Crying because every
parent hates when their child has their first sleepover right? Mine just
happens to be 21 months old instead of 7yrs old. Crying because I know deep deep down in the
pit of my stomach that this is not what’s right for him. His BioMom is not
going to be able to handle this. He is headed
for a rollercoaster no child should ever have to ride. And although I am strong
and had him in my arms, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it. Nothing.
How
we were going to actually do the hand off was a topic of conversation I had with
many people. I had no clue how we were going
to do this. Do we have lunch together
and then say goodbye? Do we have the social worker pick him up and stay home to
cry ourselves to sleep? (As I reread this for errors, I'm thinking "gosh did we have more questions than solid knowledge flowing?" Another freakin' question!) It continued... How are we going to do this?? The plan was made and it
was executed as follows. The morning of
the kids still had school. We had made a drop off time for early afternoon
giving me time to take the kids to school, pack up the rest of his things, drop
him off and be back in time for kid pick up and the rest of our crazy day.
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