My Inspirations

Focusing

Enough is enough. I have waited till I can find the right moment with the right thing to say so when the next person who reads it will see that I am productive, getting ahead and staying strong. This blog should help someone else focus on what's important. That has been my mind set for the past 3 months and I have gotten almost no entries done. Part is I feel like I have to tell you all everything that is going on in my life. That is if I leave something out, I am not going to be holding up my end of the friendship/communication bargain. I mean really, don't you have to know everything going on in my life to know how I am?

I just watched the Oprah about the mom who left her 2 yr old in the car for over 8 hours while she was at work. It wasn't in her normal routine to take the baby to daycare so she just completely forgot once she was on the road. She went into auto-pilot. All these other moms called in and wrote in saying that is exactly what could happen to them if they don't stop right now. I'm telling you that is what could be happening to me. Difference is it will be something like pulling out of the driveway without both kids in the car or without me looking behind me to make sure there aren't cars coming.

2 weeks ago it was my daughters best friends birthday party. Both kids had been looking forward to it all week. I of course used it as a behavior tool..."if you don't blah blah blah you won't go to the party!" I had been looking at the invite every morning and afternoon for 4 or 5 days prior and especially the morning of. The party was at 1pm. Perfect ... I get to sleep in and get up when the kids do, eat at a leisurely pace, give the kids their showers as well as myself, and hey Ethan can even clean his room before we head out. We get to the party place at 1:10pm and I don't recognize anyone and sure cant find the birthday girl. I ask the front desk what is going on and she says our friends party is over it actually began at 11:00 that morning. HORRIBLE MOTHER! That was the first thought in my mind. I had to tell the kids, especially Abby that we now had to go home because I messed up. All she knew was she couldn't play with her friends. She bawled and was so sad. I was devastated that I did this. I just don't do these things.

I had not been focusing and messed up. Now after watching this show I feel that may have been God just throwing a little pebble at me to wake me up and tell me to slow down. I really don't want the big brick to be thrown my way! I am not going to be the "Perfect Mother" now nor ever. I need to learn how to get over that. The sooner the better. I have another friend that has finally gotten up the courage to admit she is fighting Post Partum Depression and has stopped faking it in front of her Dr that she is okay. She has started her meds and I think from recent conversations she is feeling a tad more in control now. We all need a break. I really feel this empowerment about me choosing to take a nap pretty much every day. ( I cant believe I just admitted to that) Sometimes I have a big chunk of time and sometimes its 20 minutes. But if I don't rest, I am no good to anyone. I admit I cannot do it all. And even well rested I cannot do it all. Some things I do better than others. And that is okay. It's okay.

I am committing to myself to continue to write here every night before I go to bed. I'm usually trying to finish up an email anyway. I can throw something in here whether it be a "GOD Moment" a "Mommy Moment" or an "OMG-what-the-heck-am-I going-to-do-now-Moment". I hope some of you, my dear friends, will think about doing the same. Take time for you. Just breathe! I just did!

Gonna try again!

End of summer so I thought I better start again somehow. Here I am 2 days after a stupid mistake of not refilling my most important meds. It just wasn't a priority I guess. Well, that was until I didn't have them to take and I knew deep down that I better get them refilled ASAP or I would face the wrath of my system freaking out. And on Wednesday it freaked out. Good thing I had them to take and my family was forgiving and supportive. That means Abby slept with me through the morning and Erwin was welcoming to me bringing the kids to him for the remainder of the day so I could just be in quiet for a bit then go back to bed for my meds to kick in. I was up for a few hours while the kids went to bed and then i headed to bed before Er did that night. I hate them as much as I love them. The pills that is. There are so many days where I wish I didn't ever have to take a pill again and then the other ones I am so glad I can make it through those crazy days without one ounce of anxiety! Thing is I haven't done much else to get to the point of no anxiety. I went to one Pysch appt which was so-so and I never called a therapist for ongoing help. And I really don't need help...I think I just need direction. Just point me in the right direction. Or at least confirm that I am headed in the right direction. I know which way to go ... I know what I want and how to get it. I just need someone to tell me yes, that is how you could do it. When I am at my worst, it;s not like I am doing bad things or making bad choices. I just don't do anything, I don't make any choices. I don't move anywhere. And I just let life happen around me. And it's funny, cuz the only way people other than my husband know whats going on is when I tell them. Other than that, when I am out, I put on a show. I can't let anyone know how I am being more lazy than lazy and not taking care of myself at all. I take care of the kids, the dog and my husband (to a certain extent-he's an adult-he can handle himself). Everything else falls to the waist side. Even the things that make me happy.
We have the wedding of the century coming up in 2 weeks. I mean that whole-heartedly and somewhere in there is sarcasm of course. But really my sister has taken this on like a superstar and will have the wedding of her dreams. Part of me is jealous. She is having the wedding of her dreams. She works her butt off and can do that along with help from everyone. But sometimes I feel maybe I am so blah with it because if I would have worked harder I could have had a huge wedding of my dreams too. Not that my day wasn't what it should have been , but ya know. It's going to be neat to get all fancied up with my babies and my man. Ive lost probably 10 pounds in the last 5 months. Not sure where the hell it came off of, cuz my thighs are still there fighting with my legs and ass, as well as still looking 3 months pregnant if I let out my gut! I guess the pictures will tell!

I feel a little lighter after writing all this. I haven't even re-read it yet. lol...I'm such a perfectionist. So--- on to the so-called norm I call the rest of my life. It's been sitting there waiting for me patiently only with a few outbursts of "what the hell are you waiting for?!?!?!" Might as well with only 1 short months till I'm 33 yrs old and 4 months till a new year!

My kids are amazing!

We woke up at 530am and were on the water at 615am. It was freezing cold but the water was glass. Er got some time on the board and then the kids were chompin at the bit to get in the water. It was just the 4 of us today. As usually I wasn't keen on going in today so I chilled on the boat while the kids and E played in the water. The boat was barely anchored and Abby was in the water shortly followed by Ethan. The water was warmer than the air today at 730am. When the sun came out Abby and Ethan finally decided they could do the tube by themselves. Ethan has always been the scared one. We were excited that he was okay with going. As we started to tow, Abby got this petrified look at her face. We stopped, fixed the tube a little and the smile came on Abby and Ethan's face. All was well! Er stepped it up a bit and they were getting soaked going up and down the wakes, cracking up. But I was watching them off the back of the boat thinking..."Abby is freakin' 4! She is tubing at 4 years old!" hilarious! I can't believe that "MY" kids are doing this. I didn't learn how to swim till I was 11 or 12. Abby has absolutely NO FEAR. We anchored for awhile and Er hooked the tube up close to the back so they could just go from the boat to the tube and jump off. Well, Abby decides to stand on the back of the boat and do a diving somersault onto the tube into the water. Then next I told her to go backwards. She stood on the edge of the tube backwards and deadman falls stiff as a board into the water. Yep, no camera this time. I'm sure this isn't the last time she will do this. Just too much fun watching them today. We were home and napping by 1230!

The Internet Kills ME!

Who has ever spent an hour and a half on the internet working on something that requires decision making only to find out that when you are ready to check-out the fabulous computer tells you "please return to the homepage...there as been error"! AHHHH! Umm...ya....I have!!

Night Night!

Abby, Abby, Abby

Today has been a day of spring cleaning and laundry and car fixing! During this the kids and I got a bit of a nap. This means that the kids are awake for longer in the evening. This is okay since it's vacation. After dinner we have the rule of no video games or TV for the rest of the evening. While dad and i are cleaning the kids are usually playing with their blocks, cars, reading or inventing some kind of game in the living room. Tonight they had an old box and were decorating it with crayons and markers. I was in the dining room and Abby came up to me and asked,"Mom - can I have some glue so I can draw something on the box?" I said, "Nope!" She said her usual, "Uh." And she walked away. As she entered the living room she said to Ethan, "Ethan, mommy said no, I tried to trick her." I was like WHUUUT!!??!! "Abby what did you say?" "Nothing." I walked in there and called her over. I asked her again. "I said I tried to trick you." I couldn't believe it. I explained her that "tricking" was lying and it was not acceptable, blah blah blah. She was trying to trick me. She admitted she was trying to trick me. Give me a break! Too funny I tell ya!

June

Ive been crazy busy. I think. Or maybe too much has been going on inside my head that I could never really figure out what to let you all in on. Today I went to a new Psychiatrist for the first time in over a year. My Psych retired a few months back without telling me and of course Kaiser never let us know. My new guy is probably younger than me and I sort of feel good about it. He is definitely going to be a bit challenging. Well, let me rephrase that. We will be differing on some things. Ok, let me rephrase that...he is going to be telling me things that are going to be hard for me to hear. Like day 1..."do you know what co-dependant is"? Am I? I don't know. I did start to think harder about why I let people need me, want me, walk all over me and then invite them back only to let them do it all over again. It's attention and it gives my life a purpose. I like being there for people and place that at a higher importance level than my own self worth. Project #1 I assume.

Got so sick last week about 3 days before my big scrapbooking event. Freaked out because I was hurting so bad. Just aching and I had no control. Er finally stepped in after I told him exactly what I needed and took care of me. That was Tues, Wed and Thurs and after sleeping in on Friday, I was able to function for the next 2 days and you would have never know I was fighting for my life! Well not really but I can't give away all my drama. It was nice to work last weekend but it's nice that it's done.

Ethan is done with 1st grade and I now am the proud mama of a 2nd grader! AHH! You should see how tall he is getting. Seriously I think he may pass me up by 5th grade! He did so well this year. He is brilliant ya know. Speaking Spanish like no ones business. So stinkin' brilliant! And Abigail is dancing her little heart out every chance she gets. Today she unrolled a bunch of hair ribbons I had gotten her and put some in each hand then proceeded to dance around the living room as if she was in the Olympics. She didn't even know that was a sport until I told her. Then to hear her tell Er later that night that she was going to do "GINASSICS" was hilarious. That will be super fun to watch with her this summer. And she is now moving on to Primary Ballet at her dance school. She was in Pre-Primary which was a little tap and a little ballet and tumbling. Now just ballet. It was funny too, when I was registering her for the new class her teacher referred her to, there was this line by the classes that read "Average length of time in each dance level is 2-3 yrs". Yep, that was Abby's first time in a class. And now she is moving up. YAY!

That's all for tonite. Migraine today and need to eat something so I can take an Excedrin. NOW! Talk with ya soon!