REWIND... July 2015

We were on a once in a lifetime trip to Hawaii, with our kids and mom n dad and Ritche and Faye. For a whole week. We had been on a foster break since "Lucy" went to her new home in May. The end of the school year was always crazy busy including Ethan's birthday, volleyball tourney in LA and this trip. It all happened perfectly. We told Angels that we will open up our home again the day after we get back from paradise on 7/14. Usually takes a little while to get that first call. I knew I'd be ready so I wanted on that list ASAP. During the break I had gotten a few calls from Angels just verifying the date we were returning. That's fine... I'd rather they know than forget and have my next baby go to someone else.

It was Friday around 9am. We had already been to breakfast and I was getting ready for a nice little nap before the days trek. We only had today and the next day left because we were flying home on Sunday. My phone rings and it says Angels is calling. It was closer to Erwin so he answered it. "Well I know you aren't exactly home yet but we just got s call about a little boy who needs to be removed today. Do you want to hear about him?" Erwin looked at me and since he was repeating the callers every word, I shook my head yes as I was clearly thinking, 'What the heck?!'

"He's Caucasian. He is 2 months old. It's a south bay case. And a domestic violence case. Mom will have visits but not Dad." Now since he has to be picked up tonight, how is that going to work? Angels was going to give the worker a call and see about pickup being on Monday possibly. I was intrigued and kind of excited because I had never had a full Caucasian baby. Like NEVER! That was one of those silent thoughts that you usually don't tell anyone. But because I am obviously the whitest of my little family of four, not to mention one of the few white people in our US/Mexico border city, its something that has been a joke of sorts for me.

I sent the bat signal out to my foster Mommas and sure 'nuff momma K offered to pick him up tonight and deliver him to me Monday if it was allowed. Lots of back 'n forth phone calls and texts later, we rcvd a pic of our sweet 6 week old baby boy who would be waiting for us when we got home on Monday.

I just got a placement while in Hawaii on vacation. Lol... What a crazy world this fostering thing is!

p.s. I have to find a different way of organizing my thoughts/posts until I get back on the telling the story as it happens. lol... Hope you can keep up.

Waiting again...

I’m waiting and waiting and waiting… Ya know during this break my family and I took between sweet foster babies, I would constantly ask myself if I was sure I didn’t want to bring another baby into our home for a while. I would answer myself almost immediately with a resounding YES I am sure I am not ready. I need this break and mu family needs this break. After focusing on my health, my husband and my kids for 2 ½ months, it was time. A few weeks before we opened up I felt that little twinge of wanting a new baby in my arms.  I would see babies in the mall, or in the arms of other foster mommas and begin to wish I had one too. The weekend before, I was dying for a baby! I wondered how I had gone so long without one?! So crazy how the heart and mind work.

After the one false alarm, the 10 days I waited for the next call, seemed like forever! I would turn the ringer on my cell phone every now and then to make sure I wasn’t missing a call.  The question “Any babies yet?” came from everyone and their brother who knew we were a foster family.  Even Abby was asking every day. “Has Meredith called?” And then, Meredith called. 4:55pm. I usually stop staring at the phone after 4pm.  Not sure why. Business hours maybe? Lol… There is a 3 week old baby girl who will be discharged from the hospital tomorrow and they need a home in place. But it will be short term because the family already has the two siblings. They just have to make some calls to northern California and make the transfer. Perfect!

We all happen to be sitting in the same room when the call came in.  This was a first. Usually, it’s just me and I have to gather as much info as I can, which is almost always just the gender and why the child was removed.  I then have to call Er at work to get his opinion/okay on moving forward. That’s the deal we made on day 1 of being licensed. We would always be sure the baby was a good fit for our family together. This time, he was right there and could here Meredith speak all the details through the phone.  “Perfect! No Visits! Yes, we’ll take her!” is what he was screaming from across the room. I just giggled and Meredith laughed and most likely was shaking her head on the other side of the phone call. Er was excited because this little girl’s biological mom has not been involved in her daughter’s life since she gave birth. She is MIA basically. That means, no visits. That means less stress on me. And that means less stress on Er. He won’t get the venting calls from me after a missed visit that I drove across town and sat for 15 minutes only to get right back in the car and come back home. So, we said, “Yes!” We will take her.

Begin Again....Again

“We had our telling today and signed the adoption papers!” Those words are music to my ears! I thought I would start again with a text I got from “Lucy’s” soon to be adoptive Momma. That makes my record of positive outcomes 2 out of 5. Positive Outcome for our home is when the baby is sent to the safest home with the most love, attention and possibility for healthy growth. This little girl has grown leaps and bounds and I wish I could show you before and after pics. She is going to be a beautiful and strong woman one day!
I have been watching my phone intently for the phone call to come thru for baby #6. We had a false alarm last week. The day after I told my agency that we were ready for another kiddo, I got a call that there was a newborn baby girl being discharged that very day. I was ecstatic! I had already started switching my baby boy clothes out with my stash of baby girl clothes. During our break with no kiddos, I fell in love with a specific brand of baby clothes and started purchasing an outfit every now and then when I found them for a good price. (shhh! Don’t tell Er.) So, the fact that a baby girl was my first call was just perfect.  Some would say too good to be true. An hour before I am too pick her up, I receive a text stating that the baby has been placed with a family member that happens to have her 5 other siblings.  Bummer for me, blessing for baby. I was back to waiting. It ended up being perfect for our family, that baby was not placed with us.  That very weekend we had lots of volleyball, including a beach day that gave us 25mph winds swirling tons of sand in our faces and all over. Not exactly the best environment for a newborn baby. God, again, had a plan.  

Goodbye Day for "Lucy"

Friday morning came and I was running around the house as usual trying to gather the rest of “Lucy’s” things. I made sure to look in every crevice of our couch, under her crib, under her set in the car for each and every pacifier she could have dropped. It calmed her down when she would get in those panic modes. We tried to limit those to as few as possible.  I gave “Ethel” 2 bags of toys and belongings the day before when she had her for the whole day.  Abby told me the morning of that she was not going to say her goodbyes to “Lucy”, she wanted to go with me to drop her off. Sure! No problem! Well, I got a phone call from “Ethel” letting me know that she would be ready earlier than we had planned if I wanted to do the drop off then. Sure! No problem! Let’s get this pain train rolling! Got everything in the car and started down the road. I stopped at the stoplight which just happens to be at the intersection towards Abby's school. I looked right, saw the school and about jumped out the window! Luckily, no one was next to me, giving me the opportunity to make a right hand turn from the center lane. I grabbed Abby early from school. She would be devastated and I would feel so guilty if she missed her goodbye! (Phew! That was so frickin’ close!)

Abby and I took “Lucy” to the county office 15 minutes away. We met her new Momma in the garage. I handed her the bags and one box of clothes. I gave her the paperwork I had kept. The dr’s notes and recommendations for future drs notes. Abby took “Lucy” out of the car and held her for a moment. She looked at “Lucy” and told her how much she loved her and how much she was going to miss her. (Kleenex)  “Lucy” grabbed Abby’s face with her two tiny hands, looked at her and babbled her sweet babble, then quietly laid her head on Abby’s shoulder. This sweet 7 month old will forever have a piece of our hearts.  After my squeezes and kisses and promises to love her forever, I handed her over. “Ethel” gave me the biggest hug and thanked me for taking care of “Lucy”. She said we will be seeing each other soon and that I can call to check in or visit whenever I wanted. 

Today we have seen our “Lucy” a handful of times. She is growing by leaps and bounds. Two of her first words were Happy & Ocean! (Her Momma takes her to the beach all the time!) Really, what more could I ask for? “Lucy” is growing up with an amazing family, a super Mom and LOVE all around her! And we are blessed to be able to watch her bloom where God has planted her.

** “Lucy” and her Momma are waiting for their final adoption date. Her bio parents tried throwing some road blocks but in the end couldn’t get their lives in order to put their baby first. Thankfully the foster part of “Lucy’s” story will be a short one. **

Meeting Her New Mom

I wonder if I am the only blogger to ever hit a, let's say, blogger's block numerous times within the year. Or I wonder if it's just the fabulous world of fostering stunting my words. Either way, our 5th Angel "Charlie Brown" has left our home after 5 months and I felt it best to open the laptop and try again to catch up on my story telling.

"Lucy" had such a complicated story to tell with so much I can't share. It's an experience not many in my own circle of Foster Moms could call their own. I can say that as you will soon read, the story took an amazingly positive turn towards Forever Fabulousness!

In true My Family style, please rewind to May of 2015...
We meet on Monday, “Lucy” goes home for a full day visit on Thursday and Goodbye Day will come Friday.  That’s how it was all going to happen. What a whirlwind it was. But I know now that she is where she should be.  About 2 weeks prior to meeting her new Foster Mom I rcvd the call that they found a family for “Lucy”. I couldn’t believe how fast it happened. I was told at least a few months.  The Adoptions worker had called me and asked every question possible about the baby so they could give a great description to the possible families.  I was really good about giving all the details necessary so the family can make a good decision about whether they can take “Lucy” and keep her for possibly the rest of her life. I don’t want her to move anymore.  At this point, I still feel a little bad about not being a concurrent family.  But bottom line, the county and I really didn’t think it probable that “Lucy” would be reunified with her biological family.  This move was better for “Lucy” while she is 7 months young and not as attached to me as she could be a few more months down the road.

I was a nervous wreck going to the office that Monday even though we had talked on the phone numerous times during the 2 week wait.  The new Mom we will call “Ethel”, was so pleasant to talk to. She is in the medical field which was good to know with the few medical issues “Lucy” had. “Ethel” asked all the right questions and was giddy with excitement. Made total sense because “Lucy” would be her first child. I made sure to be available for her to call me whenever she had a question regarding “Lucy’s” care. I wanted to make sure the transition to her new home would be as easy as possible on her. The girl has been through enough in her short little life.

Meeting “Ethel” was uneventful as I knew it would be. Of course my anxiety takes hold of my senses faster than I can take a deep breath.  She wasn’t overly grabby and waited patiently for me to take “Lucy” out of the carrier. I think I would have been a little more crazy excited. A few moments into the visit it was time for a bottle and “Ethel” didn’t hesitate and took over like a natural. That’s when I took my deep breath. She handled everything like a pro. No bobbling or unsureness in her face. She was ready for this. “Lucy” seemed ready. While walking to the car I thought I might be ready too.

Emergency Room

Back in January... I had a crazy day to say the least.  Abby had a soccer game and it has been raining on and off. I’m not sure how “Lucy” is going to do with the loud noises.  She was totally fine with the all day volleyball, in a big ‘ole warehouse with hundreds upon hundreds of girls running around. We thought this day would be ok but were fairly cautious. She slept most of the time. That meant the rain and cold wasn’t bothering her. She was snuggled warm in the carrier under the tarp we set up. The game was nearing the end. Maybe 1 minute left and every parent jumped out of their seats and screamed as a last minute goal was scored! I don’t even think we were done screaming before we heard “Lucy” whaling from her seat. Then, her head shaking began and we were put into worry mode. I just kept thinking to myself – Please stop soon! Please stop soon! This one lasted almost a full minute. It’s ok we got this. Lots of cheek rubbing and forehead stroking and “it’s ok baby”. Then her eyes rolled back in her head for a few seconds and I knew I was headed to the emergency room after the game. She never lost consciousness or stopped breathing so we were so relieved about that. But what the heck was going on.  

I gotta eat lunch and she is doing just fine. I decided to take her in right after I ate.  That sounds easy right? Oh no that is just step 1. It’s Saturday, so I need to call the after hours number at Angel’s to report that I’m taking her in put of the ordinary.  Then, I need to leave a message with the county worker. Then I need to contact the BioMom.  Those don’t always happen in that order. In fact I contact the BioParent usually last because sometimes I just don’t want to hear the questions and then the excuses that come with a conversation like that. And packing up the bag for a possible long ER stay is tedious in itself. I can’t leave once I’m there so I need to make sure I have food for me, bottles for her, clothes, diapers and something else for me to do in case my phone dies or doesn’t work there.

I called BioMom and tell her what happened and not to worry. “Lucy” has been just fine since the incident. I’m taking her in because I want some more answers.  BioMom is crying and after I give her the option of meeting me there or having me keep her updated by phone, the excuses start to flow.  “I have to work” “I have to find a ride” “I have to take the bus and that will take me at least 2 hours to get there” I’m sorry did I not just tell you that your 3 month old daughters eyes rolled back in her head while having what I think is a seizure? (be assured - I said that in much softer terms.) This is exactly why I dislike calling the Bios. No, I hate it! Irritating!

This is where I have to stop telling you the details because of the sensitivity of “Lucy’s” case. I can tell you that they did tests and we were sent home with a referral to a specialist after only 3 hours.

Frustrating to say the least. I really wish they could just tell me. Give me the answers, the fix-all. Good news is she was ok and eating and sleeping the very next day. Well, kind of sleeping. That’s another day on Oprah!

The Visits Begin

PRE-NOTE--> Baby was in my care for a total of 5 days when an event occurred that has limited what I can share about this placement. It became a highly confidential case. --

The first official visit with BioMom at the Angel’s office was an eye opener. This is going to be the first time “Lucy” has seen her mom since she was in the hospital. It’s been a few weeks. I’m a ball of nerves. I can’t imagine what she must be feeling. She has been through a lot in the past few months and most definitely has "some splaining to do"!! 😉

“Lucy” smiled her little smile and kicked those chubby legs for her Mom. She had a wet diaper. I was hoping for a nasty dirty one that I didn’t have to change.  Babies seem to save those for me. Yay me! BioMom was able to give her a bottle and that’s when it started. Her head started to shake, just like she had done a few times before at home with me. She would take a drink for 5 seconds and then let go of the nipple and her head would go back and forth for about 3 seconds. Her entire feeding was like this while her Mom held her.  After that she burped and fell asleep.  Everything is fine right? The visit ended early upon BioMom’s request. She was tired and with the baby asleep she felt no need to be there. She thanked me and left.

I packed us up and headed to the lobby of the Angel’s office to speak to our CEO and out of nowhere “Lucy” started screaming uncontrollably.  She had been sleeping- what is going on? Then it happened again. Her head was shaking and I just knew this was a seizure. What I didn’t realize was it was a direct result of being with BioMom.  The CEO, who is also a foster parent, has seen this before. He agreed.  Being with BioMom took “Lucy” right back to where she used to be and right back to the atmosphere she was removed from. I’ve read it in books. I’ve seen it on TV and I’ve heard the stories. But it’s happening right in front of my face to my sweet baby girl. She is 3 months old and traumatized for all she was put through in the first 2 ½ months of her life.  Wow… So sad. So sad.  There WILL be extra snuggling tonight. 

Cuteness Alert... A lot to say today

So there is this app that my foster momma friends and I use to talk to each other 24/7. No, really… if our phones are not on silent at night, there is a large possibility that a sudden stream of buzzing will wake you up at 3am. Babies gotta eat, some refuse to sleep and a Momma has to vent. Out of 12 of us on this group chat at least 2 of us our awake at any hour. There are mornings we’ll wake up with 30-40 messages. Having these ladies available at all times is not only good to share a good “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID?!” But it is also amazing when you get that call for a squishy and you are slated to go to pick up alone. Usually when one momma is staring at her phone waiting for the buzz of Angel’s, all of us are staring at our phones waiting for the buzz of the app. This baby pick up was going to have to be a  solo pick up. Volleyball trumps Squishy pick up! Luckily, my SuperAmazing Momma K met me at the hospital to bring this little bundle home. I was so freakin’nervous. (It’s already done and over with and my stomach is turning.) I had the diaper bag packed with some 0-3 month pjs, wipes and a swaddle blankie of course. I still have no idea what to expect besides the fact that she has passed all the exams from the Neorologist, Internalist and Opthamologist. 

We weren’t sure Momma K was going to be allowed to be in the room with me to pick her up due to confidentiality but we were for sure going to try. Floor 4 I think. I told the nurse at the station who I was and she directed me to the next station down the hall.  The hospital social worker will meet me there. They told me the room #, my nurse would be in there. I’m not sure I will ever get used to the hospital cribs.  The 3 foot silver bars and a white sheet covered mattress. Nothing else but the hospital room machines to look at. There she was laying on her back, slightly covered by a standard issued scratchy, rough, white blanket with blue and pink stripe down the center. At this point I am not sure what I was going to call her in my blogs and to strangers inquiring about her. But darn she was a cutie!! Dark brown curly hair, pale white skin and a little bit of a smile as I peeked over the rail. I just stood looking and Momma K reminded me I could pick her up. She’s mine now. This cutie is long and light. Here it goes.  The questions start flowing in my brain non-stop… I wonder if her Mom or Dad is the tall one? I wonder what happened to her? Did anything happen to her? She looks completely normal. She is sooo cute! She’s mine? Oh my! She’s mine.

After that 10seconds of holding her, I glanced over at her teensy wrist and all I could think was “Why is my birthdate on her ID bracelet?” Yep, her and I share a birthday. So chilling and so cool!  Momma K and I just giggled. There was a baby carrier sitting on the floor next to the window with a baby bag overflowing with stuff.  Now all the protocol and policy stuff starts to run through my mind. I have to inventory it all and make sure I grab everything in the room that is babies. Why is there a solid glass egg paperweight in the diaper bag? LOL… Momma K and I couldn’t help but laugh. A dirty feeling blanket, an open container of formula, an open bottle of water and so much more was shoved in this bag. Most of it normal and some a bit surprising. All this time the nurse is going through her paperwork and is now ready for me to sign baby girl out. I do. The Dr. comes in and gives me the low down on her condition and what she was kept overnight for. “Nothing I should have to worry about.” I have a few follow-up appts to make on Monday. Then it was done. She was legally mine and she was cleared to leave the hospital. I got the usual “Thank you so much for taking her. You have such a big heart. I don’t know how you do what you do.”  And then before we knew it we were out the doors with an almost 3 month old baby girl. Oh ya, without anyone checking our ID.

Another New Start

Back in November, I took two, almost three weeks and went on vacation all by myself up in Northern California. I ain't got no job! I ain't got no baby! I ain't got &/"# to do! Erwin took on the role of mom and dad while I took care of me. Well, it ended up that my friends and family took care of me. Boy am I thankful they did! 
I got to see my nephews play soccer! Surprising them and my brother & sis-in-law at the games was awesome! No one knew I was coming. I drove by old friends and old boyfriends houses. I spent amazing time with my bestie of 30yrs. She helped bring my laugh back and we got our craft on. I saw my mom and my sister, my niece & nephew. Then I spent an incredible week with my Aunt and Uncle. That is where I got all my sleep, gained some weight from all the delicious meals I was showered with and just felt extremely loved and comforted by two of the most important people in my life!! I almost forgot this was followed up by a whole week away with my husband and kids too. This all was essential for my fresh start with the Foster Mom hat on. Lucky duck I was! 

So they say Friday is the busiest day of new babies going into the Foster system. I guess I can believe in that since my last three placements were picked up on a Friday. And wouldn't ya know the phone rang! About 10am... On a Friday in December. I grabbed my pen and notebook answered Angel's call and I had a decision to make.  A baby girl - 2 months old at Childrens Hospital. A few more specialists need to check her out but she will most likely be released tonight. Oh boy!! I mean Oh girl!!

Back at the Ranch

Our life had been hectic to say the least.  For the first 2 weeks after our Goodbye Day with "Little Man", I did lots of sleeping and resting.  Volleyball, soccer and school for the kids filled my other waking moments.  Then, to occupy my time and help out some Foster parents our family did Respite Care for a total of 6 kiddos.  One at a time, of course over 5 weeks or so. It brought me to one conclusion... NO TODDLERS! I wouldn’t even take in a 10 month old. Suffice it to say these littles were just what we all needed to take our aching hearts off “Little Man”.  The difficult piece was not knowing what these littles have endured in their short lives before spending a few nights with me. I am set in wanting to only foster newborns. Brand-spankin’ new from the hospital please. I thought I was helping others when in the end it was I who was learning and gaining the benefits of all this LOVE.

Fast forward to three months ago, I attended “Little Man’s” final hearing. I walked in hoping they would either extend the case or remove him from his BioMom’s care. I still didn’t think she was ready or capable of being his Mother and maybe six more months of counseling and hand holding will help that. Maybe being the keyword. I walked out of the court room disheartened from the outcome, but relieved at the completion.  Six months after handing him over “Little Man’s” case has officially been closed. No more court involvement unless BM strays off her path of positive growth.  It is finally over. Or so I hope.

Goodbye Day - Part 2

Oops...
Okay…. We are going back to where I left off months ago. Saying Goodbye to our 3^rd Angel Baby…

We ate our pancakes. “Little Man” felt much better. Who doesn’t feel better with pancakes? I made plans with BioMom to meet up at the trolley station where we normally did drop offs and pick-ups. That decision was harder than I expected it to be.  I felt this to be the best place because it was in public.  That meant I couldn’t be a crying fool till I got in the car. It’s a place people don’t hang out for hours. There would be no expectations to stay a little longer.  And especially for “Little Man”, it was a regular drop off place. He was familiar with it. He expected Mommy to be there. He expected me to say goodbye. He expected to go home with her.

Erwin picked us up along with the rest of his belongings. I had packed up most of it in the days prior. There was so much. He was spoiled by us and the rest of our family. I wanted to make sure his things were with him so he felt more comfortable being away from me.  I had also saved things since the day he came to us.  His coming home outfit, his first Christmas outfit, his Christmas stocking, his Easter basket, etc.  I made sure to save all the gifts his Mommy and other family members had given him too. Needless to say there were about 3 boxes and quite a few grocery bags for BioMom to take home. BioMom was in the parking lot waiting for us with a friend who drives. This way she could take his things easier.

Erwin unpacked our car and packed up hers. I don't think he made much eye contact with her. I gave her some information about the things I packed for him.  Bags she could hold off going through and ones she needs to open immediately. Then it was time for me to hand over "Little Man".  The last time I would be in this position with him.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him so much. I think I said it till he started to get irritated with me. It makes me giggle to this day. I told him I would see him later and to have fun with Mommy.  I watched him as he hugged Erwin and got into his carseat in the other car.  I turned to his BioMom and she had tears in her eyes.  That was not going to make things any easier for me.  This girl has only cried two other times in these 22 months. They are always real tears. I told her to wipe her tears an knock that 'bleep' off! She laughed. I told her in a very strong tone that she needs to do right by this baby boy. That she is going to make mistakes but its ok.  If those mistakes are bigger than she can handle then she needs to call me. I will be there for "Little Man".  But I made her promise me to call me. It's ok to call me. I reminded her that I didn't want  him to be sent back into the system or the local children's center. Call me! She promised me. We hugged. We cried. We said Goodbye.

He's My Son

I don’t know anyone who can handle a little one crying out of sadness. There is that sound that just eats at your heart as they cry for you. Now add in the fact that the cry is coming from my son. My previous foster son that I loved and cared for, for 22 months straight. He knew no other love than mine for the first 6 weeks of his life. We see him at least once a month. Sometimes more, especially during school breaks when E has time to spare. But we always take him home. He is not forever ours. Even though when I leave him for any extended period of time my parting words are “I love you Forever”.

He has been reunified for 9 months and 5 days. Whenever he is with us and you ask him if he wants to stay or go, he has never once said he wants to go. Never once has he chosen Mommy over Momma. (I am Momma) He is NOT my son. He is hers. But he has my heart and I will never ask for it back. I don’t know how to do that nor do I think I am equipped with those parts.  The parts I do have ache deeply as I sit in the left hand turn lane, 7 blocks from his house and he begins to whimper and stare out the car window. He knows that left hand turn lane like the back of his hand. His brother, sister, Momma and Daddy don’t live over there.  His Mommy and some other random people live there. They don’t care for him like we do. They don’t have time for him in their lives like we do. They don’t see him like we do. Like really SEE him. 

I guess for now, I will just make sure that he knows we do SEE him! We do have time for him! We do care for him! And we will love him forever!!

Oh How Things Have Changed

For example, I’m sitting typing this in the Laundrymat because my washer has been broken for 6 weeks. Really? Oh ya! 6 FRIGGIN’ WEEKS!! This is our third trip here and hopefully our last. Washer guy is coming tomorrow afternoon between 1 and 5pm and it will be our 7^th attempt at fixing it. We have already had 3 different techs at the house. One idiot, one super driven, ADHD fun to talk to guy and one veteran from Boston who I decided that no matter who it was I was shake his hand so hard that he would be scared to do anything other than fix my machine. Hey, I can get BIG when I wanna be. Watch out! Well, it didn’t work. It was a solid handshake but he decided to give us a 3^rd diagnosis and ordered a 3^rd part. I wonder who we will get tomorrow??

My life is a bunch of guesswork right now.  Erwin’s volleyball club is up and running actually at the end of its first season. He pretty much knows what he is doing but every now and then a parent shows up with a little wrench to throw our way. We just hang on and go with the flow. The kids are as unpredictable as ever as they head into teen-dom! NOT my favorite age by the way… I have to guess when events are happening or if something important is going on at school, for example a minimum day where I might need to be in the area to pick up said teen or preteen. Then we have fostering, which if you know the foster world or have read any of this, you know that is the 2^nd descriptive word of Foster life. You never know what’s going to happen. And our most recent Angel Baby was double the guesswork as you will soon read. 

Basically as I read, things really haven’t changed. WE live our life day to day and accept things as they are handed to us. Sometimes understanding that God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle and other times wondering why He trusts us so much.  But we are here to live another day and I’m finally back on the road to sharing our story.

Goodbye Day - Part 1

The kids said their big goodbyes the night before. Before bedtime. Hard to watch but I think I was still a little disconnected from the reality of it all. Erwin went to work in the morning and decided to leave early to help me and then take the next day off to support me, grieve with me, whatever ya want to call it. I still don’t know. We walked out the front door to start what looked like our normal day. Not 10 seconds later we were reminded this is not a normal day.  “Little Man” refused to get in the car. Huh? He loved getting the car, most of the time. If he refused, Abby could get him in or a toy/blankie bribe would always get him in. Nope, he was screaming and would not sit in the seat. He knew just as well as we did, something different was happening today.  I had to take him out and walk around the yard for about 1 minute to calm him down. I promised him McD’s pancakes and he was good.  Abby already started crying before the car was on. By the time we got to drop off circle at school, she was in a full blown ugly-cry meltdown.  She kissed him and I went against all the stay-at-mom rules and got out of the car in my xmas pajama pants, shirt with no bra, teeth not brushed, hair in a bun attire and just about carried her to the office.  I walked in passing everyone in line that was late and handed her off to my friend the attendance lady. Abby melted in her arms crying on her shoulder. I was crying by now and the rest of the office staff knew what was happening today without a word from me. The secretary mouthed to me that she would be watching her all day and checking in.  Thank God for bringing these amazing women into my life. They are my friends and I know my sweet girl will be ok. The rest of the morning was normal.  Ethan said goodbye in his mature, teenage boy, can’t be shaken way. I just drove to McD’s and then home looking in the rearview mirror every chance I got.  Thinking about how empty my car will feel every morning without him behind me. And let me tell you, two months later, the ride home remains very quiet.

Prep for "Goodbye Day"

I began packing his things. Toys he loves, books he eats, blankies he sucks on… I packed away the clothes that don’t fit and gave her most of the clothes that do fit because I know she doesn’t have many.  In the back of my mind, I am thinking that these clothes will smell like my home and give him some kind of comfort through this change.  Other thoughts also go through my mind like, heck no I’m not giving her these Ralph Lauren jeans. She will just sell them and make money for herself. I’m so petty. I only paid $4 for them at a consignment shop. But she doesn’t deserve Ralph Lauren jeans.  Plus, what if he comes back? I am going to need things for him to where. Really, there was no shortage of clothes for her or for me to keep.  I made a bigger deal out of it than I should of.  I pulled out his bin of baby things.  Toys that his grandma would bring him. His first outfit from the hospital. The clothes his BioMom bought him. His Easter basket, his Xmas stocking and all of his hospital belongings including his bracelet with his D.O.B., weight and length printed on it.  So many more things I kept for him.  All the things I would have kept for my own child.  Crying was an expected part of the packing.  Crying because every parent cries when their baby grows up. Looking back at how tiny he was. The socks and hats were teensy.  Crying because every parent hates when their child has their first sleepover right? Mine just happens to be 21 months old instead of 7yrs old.  Crying because I know deep deep down in the pit of my stomach that this is not what’s right for him. His BioMom is not going to be able to handle this.  He is headed for a rollercoaster no child should ever have to ride. And although I am strong and had him in my arms, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.

How we were going to actually do the hand off was a topic of conversation I had with many people.  I had no clue how we were going to do this.  Do we have lunch together and then say goodbye? Do we have the social worker pick him up and stay home to cry ourselves to sleep? (As I reread this for errors, I'm thinking "gosh did we have more questions than solid knowledge flowing?" Another freakin' question!) It continued... How are we going to do this?? The plan was made and it was executed as follows.  The morning of the kids still had school. We had made a drop off time for early afternoon giving me time to take the kids to school, pack up the rest of his things, drop him off and be back in time for kid pick up and the rest of our crazy day.

Do we want to know?

Erwin and I sat down many times throughout the last two years and talked vaguely about reunification. The details, that is.  We always knew he would be leaving.  As time went on, hoping it was to another family, we had to start breaking down into the details because it was almost go time. We always said, we wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with him if he goes back to bios because it would be super hard to watch him grow up lacking the basic needs we believe he should have.  Wait. Stop. It happens every day. Kids are raised in less than desirable environments. They sometimes leave and get on with a positive and fruitful life.  We get that.  But having a hand in the game and not being able to have a say just seems undoable for us. So, we will not be keeping in touch. Maybe ask for a picture now and then or an email with a little update. That will have to suffice for our hearts to not break. Who would have thunk that a week before we were to hand him over we would decide that maybe we can keep in touch once a month? Actually, I decided that I would keep in touch with BioMom and hopefully be given a visit with “Little Man” once a month. This has to be the healthiest way for him to know that we do love and care for him and will always be there should something fall apart along the way for his family.  Of course it was made a little easier when we were told by the SW that this family will be back in their offices.  "“Little Man” will be removed again." Ok. So she knows it’s not right for him to reunified, hence the recommendation for the past 21 months to terminate rights, but here you go unfit mother. Here’s your chance to breakdown your son before he can continue on with a semi-normal life.  Ok. I get it. What the heck??!!  …Side note… explanation to make that easier to digest came from conversations with various fosters. Veterans and newbies alike. See, BioMom has never had her son.  She messed up while she was prego but not while he has been alive outside of her. She has to be given a chance to “mother” him and most likely screw up before they can keep her away from him.  Makes sense huh? Don’t like it, but it makes sense. Don’t call me a bad mother if I’ve never had a chance to mother my baby. It makes sense to me and I would only hope I would be given the same chance.

Back to our role in his future…  If and when he is pulled from her custody again, we want to make sure he is not completely angry at us for abandoning him... Disappearing from his life.  By seeing him, he will know we are around and will protect him forever. Whether close or from a distance. Erwin is still not so convinced.  He wants nothing to do with BioMom. Ever. Totally understood. I will be the go between as I always have been.  'Gosh I hope I can handle this' was a final thought to many of my days before saying goodbye! I said it then and I say it now, even after I have seen him 3 times since he has returned.

Almost Done

In August we had all new experiences as a foster family.  To begin, we had our first TDM…Team Decision Meeting.  As I recall this meeting is usually held a few times throughout a case to keep everyone in the loop of the progress or lack thereof, at the same time. Yes, this was our first. Infuriating for me since it seems like this is going to be the only place where I am going to be free to speak when and how I would like to speak. One week exactly, from the date of this meeting, I rcve’d some crazy information. Nothing new there. Every piece of information is crazy with this case.  Looks like some rules are being broken. Hmmm… Visits are being had and people are involved in those visits that shouldn’t be. All that I’m now thinking is, here we go, this is the attny’s chance to stop the runaway train from crashing into reunification head on. On top of all this, I find out BioMom is expecting. 4 months along. I was right. I knew this about 2 months prior. This time I had to bring it up without jeopardizing my relationship with BioMom or revealing my source. I did what I had to do, after a few stomach aches and migraines. I brought it up to the appropriate people and NOTHING came of it.  I was assured the broken rules would be addressed at the TDM.  Ok. What about the “growing” issue with BioMom?  Well, that’s not a protection issue for “Little Man”. And, oh ya, it’s not an issue anymore. BioMom decided to eliminate the possibility this issue continuing for 5 more months. (Yes, you can shake your head right along with me.)

I arrive to the TDM with "Little Man". He has a visit immediately following this meeting. Someone from the county office will watch him in another office. A very long table, a white board and everyone involved sitting in the same room. Only one left out is “Little Man”, of course. Head of the table is the mediator. To her right is BioMom’s main support person. Someone she met in the last 2 years of her recovery. (Calling her Sheila because she looks more like a Sheila to me than her real name.)  Going around the table is BioMom, Ashley & Sabrina who are both young moms with a current relationship with CWS, two members of BioDad’s family, my agency worker, me, the social workers supervisor and the social worker. I happen to be seated directly across from BioMom.  As we are explained the rules of how this meeting with play out, I can’t help but look at her and wonder how she is going to handle being told that her case is now in jeopardy because she broke the rules. Will she know it was me that snitched?  Then, it comes to mind that I am the only one there who is on “Little Man’s” side. My worker is there to support me because I have never been to anything like this before. This means I am against everyone else in this room. Great! Here we go…

Quick and easy recap of the TDM: Nothing I said in the meeting mattered at all.  BioMom got slapped on the hands for breaking the rules and was told she “cannot do that anymore”. Oh ya, you read it right. No repercussions from doing what she was specifically told not to do and putting “Little Man’s” life in danger.  A plan was made and printed out for everyone to follow for the next 3 weeks.  About 2 more 8hr visits and the overnights will begin.  He will be reunified with his BioMom the day after her court hearing where the judge will agree with what the county has suggested.  The chart defining BioMom’s progress with pros vs. cons resembles the room quite literally. The list of Pros for her reunifying with “Little Man” is crossing over onto another page with notes on the side. The Cons?  10 of them.  Of which I named 8. The other 2 were the rules that were broken mentioned by the SW.  Really brought out by me earlier. Physically and on paper I was the only one there to fight for “Little Man”. Or you could say the only one against “BioMom”.  The only good thing that came out of this meeting is we have an exact schedule for the next 3 weeks visitation and I let BioMom know that we would like to be a part of “Little Man’s” life as long as she is ok with it.  This is going to happen no matter what now.

I believe... I believe... I believe... I don't believe

(Obviously I did not catch you up all the way... But we are up to August. I think...)

We have one more chance coming in the form of the court hearing we have been waiting for since April. This is the pre-trial conference before the hearing we have been waiting for since April. Here all parties, county, biomom, biodad and foster child are represented and relay their plans to the judge. They agree or disagree and either the judge can say "see you at the hearing" or "how about we just change it now and save everyone the time". Or he can order a continuance. We were told this is it.

"Mom has made great progress in little time. She has completed much of the reunification plan." Are you kidding me? That is all that is going through my head. I'm sitting in the back of the court room with the CASA trainees and other randoms that feel the need to be there. They have no idea I am the one who has raised this child whose name is never mentioned.  He is referred to as the "minor". Bottom line is everyone agrees to ANOTHER continuance since her overnights are close to starting and she is moving into her own place very soon. As soon as the judge ended the hearing, I got up and headed out. "Little Man's" attny followed me and as the door closed, I started crying out of pure sadness for my son. He is being dragged along like a ragdoll. Just hold on honey. Only another month! Whatever! The attny says she is not happy it has been continued again but has also warned the county that this is it. No more continuances. It's do or die! She has 3 weeks to get her schtuff together. She said something to me that explained this whole process. "You are playing Russian roulette with a child's life." That is how the attny felt and it was exactly how I felt. I'm so relieved she is on "Little Man's team" She seems to be the only other one besides myself that truly believes "Little Man" deserves better.

Jumping In!

I'm so afraid...
 ...He's going to forget me.
 ...He's going to be mad at me.
 ...He's going to go crazy just having his biomom around.
 ...She is going to mess up and he is going to pay the price.
 ...This case is going to go another 2 years.
 ...I'm going to start resenting "Little Man", the system, Angel's.
 ...I'm not going to be able to handle this reunification.



The list could go on and on. Thoughts go through my head constantly, specially on those bad days. The bad days came pretty quick as unsupervised visits went from 4 hours to 6 hours to overnights. Not having him here at night was very odd. Something was missing. It was super quiet! I looked at my phone a lot. During the last few weeks of these visits "Little Man" ended up with a few scratched and random bruises. Some had reasonable stories, others not so reasonable. None of them were taken into account on judgment day.  "Little Man" always did "great" at his visits with his biomom. No problem sleeping, no tantrums, just peachy! There is absolutely no way it was that "great". He hates going to bed. Every night! But it just doesn't matter anymore. The days are slipping away from us and he is going back home. I had to deal with that and fast.


Oh but what would this case be without a little fork in the road, right? And oh what a doozy! It's time for the TDM. Team Decision Meeting. I'm scared out of my mind and I have no idea what to expect since the game has changed people! The game has changed. (did change... reminder that this all happened months ago. I'm still catching you up.)