Back at the Ranch

Our life had been hectic to say the least.  For the first 2 weeks after our Goodbye Day with "Little Man", I did lots of sleeping and resting.  Volleyball, soccer and school for the kids filled my other waking moments.  Then, to occupy my time and help out some Foster parents our family did Respite Care for a total of 6 kiddos.  One at a time, of course over 5 weeks or so. It brought me to one conclusion... NO TODDLERS! I wouldn’t even take in a 10 month old. Suffice it to say these littles were just what we all needed to take our aching hearts off “Little Man”.  The difficult piece was not knowing what these littles have endured in their short lives before spending a few nights with me. I am set in wanting to only foster newborns. Brand-spankin’ new from the hospital please. I thought I was helping others when in the end it was I who was learning and gaining the benefits of all this LOVE.

Fast forward to three months ago, I attended “Little Man’s” final hearing. I walked in hoping they would either extend the case or remove him from his BioMom’s care. I still didn’t think she was ready or capable of being his Mother and maybe six more months of counseling and hand holding will help that. Maybe being the keyword. I walked out of the court room disheartened from the outcome, but relieved at the completion.  Six months after handing him over “Little Man’s” case has officially been closed. No more court involvement unless BM strays off her path of positive growth.  It is finally over. Or so I hope.

Goodbye Day - Part 2

Oops...
Okay…. We are going back to where I left off months ago. Saying Goodbye to our 3^rd Angel Baby…

We ate our pancakes. “Little Man” felt much better. Who doesn’t feel better with pancakes? I made plans with BioMom to meet up at the trolley station where we normally did drop offs and pick-ups. That decision was harder than I expected it to be.  I felt this to be the best place because it was in public.  That meant I couldn’t be a crying fool till I got in the car. It’s a place people don’t hang out for hours. There would be no expectations to stay a little longer.  And especially for “Little Man”, it was a regular drop off place. He was familiar with it. He expected Mommy to be there. He expected me to say goodbye. He expected to go home with her.

Erwin picked us up along with the rest of his belongings. I had packed up most of it in the days prior. There was so much. He was spoiled by us and the rest of our family. I wanted to make sure his things were with him so he felt more comfortable being away from me.  I had also saved things since the day he came to us.  His coming home outfit, his first Christmas outfit, his Christmas stocking, his Easter basket, etc.  I made sure to save all the gifts his Mommy and other family members had given him too. Needless to say there were about 3 boxes and quite a few grocery bags for BioMom to take home. BioMom was in the parking lot waiting for us with a friend who drives. This way she could take his things easier.

Erwin unpacked our car and packed up hers. I don't think he made much eye contact with her. I gave her some information about the things I packed for him.  Bags she could hold off going through and ones she needs to open immediately. Then it was time for me to hand over "Little Man".  The last time I would be in this position with him.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him so much. I think I said it till he started to get irritated with me. It makes me giggle to this day. I told him I would see him later and to have fun with Mommy.  I watched him as he hugged Erwin and got into his carseat in the other car.  I turned to his BioMom and she had tears in her eyes.  That was not going to make things any easier for me.  This girl has only cried two other times in these 22 months. They are always real tears. I told her to wipe her tears an knock that 'bleep' off! She laughed. I told her in a very strong tone that she needs to do right by this baby boy. That she is going to make mistakes but its ok.  If those mistakes are bigger than she can handle then she needs to call me. I will be there for "Little Man".  But I made her promise me to call me. It's ok to call me. I reminded her that I didn't want  him to be sent back into the system or the local children's center. Call me! She promised me. We hugged. We cried. We said Goodbye.

He's My Son

I don’t know anyone who can handle a little one crying out of sadness. There is that sound that just eats at your heart as they cry for you. Now add in the fact that the cry is coming from my son. My previous foster son that I loved and cared for, for 22 months straight. He knew no other love than mine for the first 6 weeks of his life. We see him at least once a month. Sometimes more, especially during school breaks when E has time to spare. But we always take him home. He is not forever ours. Even though when I leave him for any extended period of time my parting words are “I love you Forever”.

He has been reunified for 9 months and 5 days. Whenever he is with us and you ask him if he wants to stay or go, he has never once said he wants to go. Never once has he chosen Mommy over Momma. (I am Momma) He is NOT my son. He is hers. But he has my heart and I will never ask for it back. I don’t know how to do that nor do I think I am equipped with those parts.  The parts I do have ache deeply as I sit in the left hand turn lane, 7 blocks from his house and he begins to whimper and stare out the car window. He knows that left hand turn lane like the back of his hand. His brother, sister, Momma and Daddy don’t live over there.  His Mommy and some other random people live there. They don’t care for him like we do. They don’t have time for him in their lives like we do. They don’t see him like we do. Like really SEE him. 

I guess for now, I will just make sure that he knows we do SEE him! We do have time for him! We do care for him! And we will love him forever!!

Oh How Things Have Changed

For example, I’m sitting typing this in the Laundrymat because my washer has been broken for 6 weeks. Really? Oh ya! 6 FRIGGIN’ WEEKS!! This is our third trip here and hopefully our last. Washer guy is coming tomorrow afternoon between 1 and 5pm and it will be our 7^th attempt at fixing it. We have already had 3 different techs at the house. One idiot, one super driven, ADHD fun to talk to guy and one veteran from Boston who I decided that no matter who it was I was shake his hand so hard that he would be scared to do anything other than fix my machine. Hey, I can get BIG when I wanna be. Watch out! Well, it didn’t work. It was a solid handshake but he decided to give us a 3^rd diagnosis and ordered a 3^rd part. I wonder who we will get tomorrow??

My life is a bunch of guesswork right now.  Erwin’s volleyball club is up and running actually at the end of its first season. He pretty much knows what he is doing but every now and then a parent shows up with a little wrench to throw our way. We just hang on and go with the flow. The kids are as unpredictable as ever as they head into teen-dom! NOT my favorite age by the way… I have to guess when events are happening or if something important is going on at school, for example a minimum day where I might need to be in the area to pick up said teen or preteen. Then we have fostering, which if you know the foster world or have read any of this, you know that is the 2^nd descriptive word of Foster life. You never know what’s going to happen. And our most recent Angel Baby was double the guesswork as you will soon read. 

Basically as I read, things really haven’t changed. WE live our life day to day and accept things as they are handed to us. Sometimes understanding that God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle and other times wondering why He trusts us so much.  But we are here to live another day and I’m finally back on the road to sharing our story.

Goodbye Day - Part 1

The kids said their big goodbyes the night before. Before bedtime. Hard to watch but I think I was still a little disconnected from the reality of it all. Erwin went to work in the morning and decided to leave early to help me and then take the next day off to support me, grieve with me, whatever ya want to call it. I still don’t know. We walked out the front door to start what looked like our normal day. Not 10 seconds later we were reminded this is not a normal day.  “Little Man” refused to get in the car. Huh? He loved getting the car, most of the time. If he refused, Abby could get him in or a toy/blankie bribe would always get him in. Nope, he was screaming and would not sit in the seat. He knew just as well as we did, something different was happening today.  I had to take him out and walk around the yard for about 1 minute to calm him down. I promised him McD’s pancakes and he was good.  Abby already started crying before the car was on. By the time we got to drop off circle at school, she was in a full blown ugly-cry meltdown.  She kissed him and I went against all the stay-at-mom rules and got out of the car in my xmas pajama pants, shirt with no bra, teeth not brushed, hair in a bun attire and just about carried her to the office.  I walked in passing everyone in line that was late and handed her off to my friend the attendance lady. Abby melted in her arms crying on her shoulder. I was crying by now and the rest of the office staff knew what was happening today without a word from me. The secretary mouthed to me that she would be watching her all day and checking in.  Thank God for bringing these amazing women into my life. They are my friends and I know my sweet girl will be ok. The rest of the morning was normal.  Ethan said goodbye in his mature, teenage boy, can’t be shaken way. I just drove to McD’s and then home looking in the rearview mirror every chance I got.  Thinking about how empty my car will feel every morning without him behind me. And let me tell you, two months later, the ride home remains very quiet.

Prep for "Goodbye Day"

I began packing his things. Toys he loves, books he eats, blankies he sucks on… I packed away the clothes that don’t fit and gave her most of the clothes that do fit because I know she doesn’t have many.  In the back of my mind, I am thinking that these clothes will smell like my home and give him some kind of comfort through this change.  Other thoughts also go through my mind like, heck no I’m not giving her these Ralph Lauren jeans. She will just sell them and make money for herself. I’m so petty. I only paid $4 for them at a consignment shop. But she doesn’t deserve Ralph Lauren jeans.  Plus, what if he comes back? I am going to need things for him to where. Really, there was no shortage of clothes for her or for me to keep.  I made a bigger deal out of it than I should of.  I pulled out his bin of baby things.  Toys that his grandma would bring him. His first outfit from the hospital. The clothes his BioMom bought him. His Easter basket, his Xmas stocking and all of his hospital belongings including his bracelet with his D.O.B., weight and length printed on it.  So many more things I kept for him.  All the things I would have kept for my own child.  Crying was an expected part of the packing.  Crying because every parent cries when their baby grows up. Looking back at how tiny he was. The socks and hats were teensy.  Crying because every parent hates when their child has their first sleepover right? Mine just happens to be 21 months old instead of 7yrs old.  Crying because I know deep deep down in the pit of my stomach that this is not what’s right for him. His BioMom is not going to be able to handle this.  He is headed for a rollercoaster no child should ever have to ride. And although I am strong and had him in my arms, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.

How we were going to actually do the hand off was a topic of conversation I had with many people.  I had no clue how we were going to do this.  Do we have lunch together and then say goodbye? Do we have the social worker pick him up and stay home to cry ourselves to sleep? (As I reread this for errors, I'm thinking "gosh did we have more questions than solid knowledge flowing?" Another freakin' question!) It continued... How are we going to do this?? The plan was made and it was executed as follows.  The morning of the kids still had school. We had made a drop off time for early afternoon giving me time to take the kids to school, pack up the rest of his things, drop him off and be back in time for kid pick up and the rest of our crazy day.

Do we want to know?

Erwin and I sat down many times throughout the last two years and talked vaguely about reunification. The details, that is.  We always knew he would be leaving.  As time went on, hoping it was to another family, we had to start breaking down into the details because it was almost go time. We always said, we wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with him if he goes back to bios because it would be super hard to watch him grow up lacking the basic needs we believe he should have.  Wait. Stop. It happens every day. Kids are raised in less than desirable environments. They sometimes leave and get on with a positive and fruitful life.  We get that.  But having a hand in the game and not being able to have a say just seems undoable for us. So, we will not be keeping in touch. Maybe ask for a picture now and then or an email with a little update. That will have to suffice for our hearts to not break. Who would have thunk that a week before we were to hand him over we would decide that maybe we can keep in touch once a month? Actually, I decided that I would keep in touch with BioMom and hopefully be given a visit with “Little Man” once a month. This has to be the healthiest way for him to know that we do love and care for him and will always be there should something fall apart along the way for his family.  Of course it was made a little easier when we were told by the SW that this family will be back in their offices.  "“Little Man” will be removed again." Ok. So she knows it’s not right for him to reunified, hence the recommendation for the past 21 months to terminate rights, but here you go unfit mother. Here’s your chance to breakdown your son before he can continue on with a semi-normal life.  Ok. I get it. What the heck??!!  …Side note… explanation to make that easier to digest came from conversations with various fosters. Veterans and newbies alike. See, BioMom has never had her son.  She messed up while she was prego but not while he has been alive outside of her. She has to be given a chance to “mother” him and most likely screw up before they can keep her away from him.  Makes sense huh? Don’t like it, but it makes sense. Don’t call me a bad mother if I’ve never had a chance to mother my baby. It makes sense to me and I would only hope I would be given the same chance.

Back to our role in his future…  If and when he is pulled from her custody again, we want to make sure he is not completely angry at us for abandoning him... Disappearing from his life.  By seeing him, he will know we are around and will protect him forever. Whether close or from a distance. Erwin is still not so convinced.  He wants nothing to do with BioMom. Ever. Totally understood. I will be the go between as I always have been.  'Gosh I hope I can handle this' was a final thought to many of my days before saying goodbye! I said it then and I say it now, even after I have seen him 3 times since he has returned.