When to throw in the towel

Over and over I am hit with the thought, "Is now the time?" Is now the time to give in? Is now the time I stop believing it will ever change? Is now the time to say it all and not regret a word? Is now the time to end it? Is now the time to say "you are crazy Amy! You can never give up!" Hell if I should know. You would think after asking myself that question for years that I would have the answer or at least be a bit closer to it. When do you stop believing? When I ask that question in my head of course, I always hear others respond "never stop believing!" And then I think how stupid that is. Of course we don't stop believing that one day a dream can come true. But what if every day for many many MANY years someone walks in your door and says directly to you that "IT IS NOT EVER HAPPENING"! Isn't there a time you can look back at that person and say ok, next dream. I might be at that point. Such the Pollyanna I am. Really, I have had many people refer to me as such. Not bad. I actually like it. Only problem being that it makes for a long, exhausting ride home. Ive taken that road home so many times, one wonders how I or anyone else can continue to refer to me as Pollyanna. Ive also been the type of person who truly feels that what I don't know won't hurt me. Although, it seems that once I find it out, I'm floored. I'm flattened. All the air is sucked right from me. Being naive is kind of a trait I have mastered while really in the know. Naive or being in denial? Same thing or totally different? I have asked this question numerous times, too many to obviously count. Why me? hahaha. I know a lot of people have. But someone always answers to me, a real person really answers when I ask them this, because that's just who you are. I keep going back for more, why? Because that's just who you are. You don't just give up and walk away. When do I stop? When does anyone stop? Maybe you stop but you don't close the door all the way? No, Ive tried that before. Doesn't work. You can't do something almost all the way. You gotta turn right or left. You can't turn the wheel kinda left and a little right or SMACK! right into the building on the corner. And we all know how much I hate a car accident.

Here I am at 130 in the morning full knowing I have to go to a dr appt at 845am. I sit in a little bit of discomfort since I have a kidney stone chillin' in my right kidney. Yep, chillin. I need to take my meds and be comfortable in my bed so I can get to my appt tomorrow. 3 stones in 5 months. Can you beat that? lol. I ask as if someone will answer. I keep believing as if something will change. Should I even try to type the words 'move on'. Nothing will change and I am not the only one in the entire world who has fought so hard that they have nothing left to give! Not even a ratty old white flag to wave! It's gone. It's all gone. And I think it's almost ok. I will not wither away. I will not be any less than I was 4 days ago, or 4 years ago. I am more. I am truthful and I am stronger because of it. That fight, that strength is now going to rebuild itself to be used another day for something that will change. Something that will benefit me. Something I believe will make me into the woman, mother, wife, friend that I was always meant to be but was never sure enough that I could be. I'm 35 and tomorrow is another day. That I believe...

Friday Night -- Yee Haw!

I am so tired after this crazy long week. Got back from Brentwood, in the hills that is, on Monday evening. I had a sore throat and felt like I had a good cold. Tuesday woke up and said heck no I won't go...and either are the kids! I honestly coulnd't even think about putting shoes on with my pajamas, barking morning orders and driving the kids to school. So, we all got some much needed sleep and rest. Remind me to never take a late flight in on a school night. Kids can handle it, but mamma can not! I never got out of bed on Tuesday. The cold hit me like a tons of bricks. The angel's were shining down and guided my kids down the perfect behavior path. They came when I called them. They got me water. They asked when they wanted to eat or watch TV. Why do I have to be sick for all this to happen? Wednesday was a recovery day for me to get back to normal and the kids to get to school and then catch up on homework. Thursday the weather took center stage. 80 and up and the air conditioning came on! Thank goodness we have air! Our neighbors just got theirs installed today. Im super happy for them and feel like celebrating too! I don't know what we ever did without it. Well, I do know. We walked around with almost nothing on and sweat like pigs. Sleeping was a nightmare back then. And sheets were all we used with every window open throughout the whole house. Open at night and close them in the morning. No mas! Im looking forward to having only one planned event this weekend. And it is not even for us. But is it ever really? I am sleeping in tomorrow. Hopefully Er will be home from volleyball practice before I wake up. Then a little bow making and bday present shopping. Nothing else mandatory I tell you! Nothing. Then there is Sunday. Then there will be 5 more wake-ups till Spring Break. Oh ya baby! School is off and so is Mom!