Longer visits have arrived...

Boy is he hatin' the 6 hours he has away from us! Yep, the judge decided to give her 6 more months of services. We are headed to the final court date in April.  Social Worker has decided it is time to start the 6hr visits 3 times a week.  It took 3 weeks for her to tell me that but they are now here and no one other than BioMom is happy with it.  6 HOURS!!  The first one was a clock watching fest for me.  A much needed nap seemed to be the only true escape from the minute to minute countdown pick-up time.  After we picked him up he slept in the car almost immediately and continued his nap at home for about 3 hrs.

Next step is overnight visits and then the big decision is to be made. Seems quick and easy right?  I wish it was. So much can happen.  I'll share as much as I can.  Remember, just because the final court date is set for April, doesn't mean it's really the "Final" court date! Makes perfect sense!

Night!
:)Amy

Er hates it ... part 2

So, here it is, BioMom has a chance to really stick to the right path with the help of the County, myself and Angel's.  Well, throughout this whole time I thought the County was there to help "Little Man". I have sadly learned that they are really there to help the parents get back on their feet.  Ironically, in my opinion, the County is holding BioMom down.  She has a checklist given to her by the judge. She has been checking it off consistently.  She does everything she is supposed to do.  Probably grade C work. I of course would expect A work, but its not going to happen.  She does as she is told by me, her attny and the county.  The thing is, the SW has 40+ other parents to instruct and report, and observe and hand-hold.  Ones that are continuing to do drugs, or beat their kids when they get 5 minutes alone with them.  Not to mention the sick and despicable county families we have heard so much about in the news lately. County is for sure going to have those cases as priority as she is probably responsible for saving a few little lives there.  Here she has nothing to worry about, except, BioMom gets all excited when a new plan is put into place but months later it gets turned upside down since there is no time to execute the plan.  Another plan is set and the cycle continues. Currently we are on Plan #3. A completion date is set for the end of January.

I just want what is best for all. Erwin wants what is best for me and our family which includes "Little Man". I can't be mad at that. Unfortunately, or fortunately, in my Pollyanna world, BioMom could come out of this and be the best Mom she is capable of being. Then, I can say that I did the best I could in telling her "Yes you can!"

:)Amy

Er hates it... part 1

BioMom, "You have got to step up girlfriend! You can't just sit back and wait for the SW to make a choice. Fight for what you want. If you sit back and just ride, it's not going to turn out in your favor. Time will be up and the judge won't have any proof you can handle this."  Yep, I said it right to her. I've said it before, but again, this girl was dealt a hand that has a slim chance to none of coming out well.  I kind of feel like there needs to be a little gentle shove right now.  Nothing in the beginning was her fault.  She was forced into this world of drugs, child welfare, uncertainty and so much more. With only that has your base it will always be an uphill battle to stay on the right path. And in this world of fast, more, bigger, better, it's no wonder that 85% of the people incarcerated today were in the Foster system. 

Erwin hates the fact that I talk to BioMom as her supporter. I can't help it. Not only do I still look at her like one of our Volleyball girls, but I know from stories I've heard that there is a huge chance she is going to get "Little Man" back in the end. If this is true then I want her to be prepared. Now, I'm not going to do her homework for her. I don't constantly remind her of things she should be doing or not doing. If she is going to choose to fail, then I'm not going to stop her. But, I am for sure going to let her know that I am in her corner. Someone has to be. Hey if she is going to do anything to boost her chances of getting him back, it's not going to come from me pushing her in the right direction. I just want her to feel like she is not alone. I keep my boundaries. And trust me, she pisses me off enough of the time that I'm glad I am not investing my heart and soul into her recovery.

...to be continued

:)Amy

Still No Adoption for us!

Nope, we still are not going to adopt our "Little Man". We really are done raising kids. Any but our own two loves! Two weeks ago another 3 newborns came into our system.  And Angel's could only find a family for one of them.  We will foster again.  We will fall in love again! And then dread the day we say goodbye.

I can't explain it in detail or in a way that makes any logical sense. It's something you just know. I love being a Momma. I really do. Don't get me wrong there are days that my kids drive me up a wall! But they are also MY kids! They are the loves of my life! "Little Man" has a piece of my heart now. He is my son and I love him to the moon and back. The times when I pick him up and he pats me on the shoulder gives me goosebumps. He only does that with people he is happy to see. Melts my heart knowing that he looks to me to keep him safe. Watching him light up with extreme happiness when Ethan and Abby are home from school is pure joy. His sister and brother are back and it's time to play!! This all seems to lead to keeping him in our family forever right? Crazy thing is we know "Little Man" is not ours to keep forever. Our hearts tell us this. But it doesn't make us love him or want him any less. This boy is full of life, love and hope and we are blessed to be his family... for now.

I know that question is on the tip of your tongue again or maybe it never left and you have asked myself or another foster parent a million times. “How can you do that? How can you just give him back? I could NEVER do it!”

I have a new answer thanks to Angel Momma “L”. Close your eyes and imagine you are driving down the street. Any street. There is a baby wrapped in a blanket on the side of the road.  Are you going to just drive by? Or will you grab that baby and keep it warm and hold it close until the person comes along that the baby is meant to be with? Be it a day or a few months.

Seriously – It really is as simple as that.  It’s why we can’t not do it. I can’t just pass up that baby who has no one to hold it close and keep it warm.

Few men [or women] during their lifetimes come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used.

                                                                                                           -Richard Byrd

60-Day Trial

WHAT IS A 60-DAY TRIAL?

A trial period not a hearing in the court.  This is what BioMom will get once “Little Man” is handed over to her in January, if Plan #3 pans out.  I guess it means that her case is still open. If anything happens like, I don’t know, she gets high on Meth AGAIN, then the county has the right to walk in and have rights terminated immediately.  No need to open another case or wait for another hearing.  At least that is my understanding.  This loose definition leads me to believe that this is how kids end up being in the system for so long as little ones.  Not because they are unadoptable, but because they are returned to their bio-parents who are “recovered”, they do their 60-Day Trial and since everything is honky-dory, the case is closed.  And what??  3 days later the bio-parents have a little celebration party with extra special party favors?! BAM! Kids are back in the system.  New case opens up and the parents get another 18 months to recover and reunite with their kids.  Yeppers! Fun times in the Child Welfare System.  I just pray this is not what will happen to “Little Man”. 

Null -n- Void

BioMom has been so excited about the upcoming changes with "Little Man's" visits. It kills me because there is no way it can happen like the Social Worker had told her.  I had leaned on my case worker and suggested that BioMom call her SW so some clarification could be made. 

"Little Man" will be with us till January now. Yes, I am shaking my head right along side of you. Our hearts are lighter since we don't have to worry about the big changes and the big holiday coming. But now, I will be dropping off our bundle of laughs one day for 2 hours where she can take him to the local mall without supervision. And on another day she will get him for 4  hours without supervision at her home. This is going to start getting hard for me and him!! LOL... I know it seems like this other stuff is hard. It is for sure but this is the part that can't be described. (Im sure I will try to relay the feelings somehow) He is already crying for me when she goes to take him out of the car. SUCKS!! (Can you feel that?) When I think with a clear logical head this is exactly what needs to happen. Thank God it is starting to take form. I just know how bumpy the road is going to get for him. And it gives me a bit of a stomach ache.  This is really the only way to solidly know that she is ready to care for him. I just have to pray that the SW starts to be a SW and do her job thoroughly.  This way when her decision is made, it is from a clear picture of BioMom as a Mom, not just as a babysitter.

After, I was given the green light by the SW to start scheduling the new visits, I called BioMom.  The thing is, the SW has a lot of, let's say, trust in me. She leaves a lot of decision making up to me. Drives me insane! If you are going to let me make decisions then let me make all the decisions.  Im all or nothing. Always have been. SW was only going to give BioMom 4 hrs of unsupervised time in addition to her 2 hours of supervised time. Made no sense to me. It was baby steps after a year of baby steps.  I suggested it all be unsupervised and she responded, "If you think she can handle it, sure!" --No I don't think so, but she needs to show the judge she can't. This is the way. When I told Mom the changes I had pushed, she was super grateful! Not knowing it was going to be followed by a little straight forward advice from me.

...to be continued...

A little rant for ya!

It has been more than one year since “Little Man” became a part of our family.  He is one year old now and hasn’t started walking yet but I can’t believe he is one! I can’t believe I will be handing off my 1 year old to another family. Sounds so weird. (We are not even close to that time.) I know we were going to have to deal with this kind of timeline eventually but I really thought that taking in newborns was giving us a better chance of not having them for too long.  Wiped that one off my ‘Don’t have to worry about’ list. What a day that will be. I know it will be sad.  Giving away a baby that we have loved will always be sad no matter how long their stay. The thing that gets to me is how it will affect “Little Man”. He is going to be devastated to leave his Momma, Dadda, Brother and Sister and his world of routine, warmth and healthy activity. I know I know… everything we have given to this point has prepared him for that moment where he is challenged in the life he will lead. But gosh!! Why is it taking so long and why does she get another chance to screw him up?  Shouldn’t it be that once you possibly screw up someone’s life by doing drugs or putting them in danger, you don’t get a second chance?  Yes, she was handed some crappy cards in the beginning but look, her son now has been given a clean deck of brand new cards.  Why not watch how those cards will completely help him to lead the life you always wanted to live. Watch him thrive in a family who can give him that. Then I remember she has a different view of “Foster” and “Adoption”.  They aren’t exactly positive in her eyes.  She probably thinks she will do a better job of raising him than another family.  But she doesn’t realize that Angel’s has its hands in the mix now and we do whatever we can to help make that a different situation.  Getting tired a bit early tonight, as I sit high on my pedestal of everything that is good and right with the world.  A magic wand is all I need right? Can I get those on ETSY ya think? 

--> P.S. Plan#2 from the Social Worker is now history. "Little Man" will be with us through the new Year! UGH!! More details to come...

Happy Thanksgiving to us...

(LAST WEEK)

He can’t go on vacation with us so we will cut it a few days short.  We need to take advantage of Erwin having this time off.  Doesn’t happen very often.  A lot of my friends are happy that I will get a chance to sleep and have “me” time.  First off, I don’t sleep well anytime. That is why newborns were perfect for our family.  Secondly, “me” is made up of my husband, my kids and obviously the base of Amy.  Without any one of those pieces, I’m not fully me.  (But no doubt -- I love my friends!)

BioMom gave us no other choice but to use a respite family for 4 days and 3 nights.  Good thing about my Angel's support groups is getting to know the other Mommas.  This way I can pretty much hand pick the family to watch “Little Man” while we are away.  He is going to have a great time and hopefully not have too much of a hard time without us.  There are two little boys he will fall in love with.  Plus, they are an outdoors family.  The park and the beach are just a few things on their itinerary. 

When I picked up “Little Man” from his 4 hour unsupervised visit last week, I let BioMom know the name and a few details about the other family taking in her son.  I also told her, “We will be returning a few days earlier than we originally planned since we didn’t want to leave “Little Man” with a strange family for Thanksgiving.”  She immediately got sad eyes and said, “Awwee….Amy!!”  She felt bad.  And I was pleased as pie to see that.  I know she has a heart but I rarely see it. I think it’s very selfish that she wanted to have him with her for the 6 hours of visits she has over 2 days. We would have been gone for 7 days.  I would have made up the visits for her as she liked. It would have been no problem.  Hearing her dismay for the situation I was now in because of her, was reassuring that “Little Man’s” Mom does have an ability to feel for others.  Does feeling guilty about an action count under caring about others? Hmmm…

For Real ?!?!

(Still in October, about a week later)

Well, sure. She will get him back the 2^nd week of December. You know cuz she has had 1, just ONE, unsupervised visit of 2 hours.  That in itself proves that she is ready to raise this child.  From now till then, she will have to do 4 hour unsupervised, 8 hour unsupervised and overnight visits too. All during the Thanksgiving holiday and then we will have to send Little Man off right before xmas.  Fabulous gift!

I have really done it now. I will never complain about things moving slowly again.  (ya right!) I can’t believe he is really going to be gone in December.  Maybe this will be good timing.  We will be able to take a big break from Angel’s to heal our hearts.  The holidays will keep us busy and Erwin will be home for two of the weeks so we can focus on the kids too. Plus, if she fails, we will be ready to welcome “Little Man” back till his adoptive family is found.  This is going to be one heck of a Good-Bye Day!