Back at the Ranch

Our life had been hectic to say the least.  For the first 2 weeks after our Goodbye Day with "Little Man", I did lots of sleeping and resting.  Volleyball, soccer and school for the kids filled my other waking moments.  Then, to occupy my time and help out some Foster parents our family did Respite Care for a total of 6 kiddos.  One at a time, of course over 5 weeks or so. It brought me to one conclusion... NO TODDLERS! I wouldn’t even take in a 10 month old. Suffice it to say these littles were just what we all needed to take our aching hearts off “Little Man”.  The difficult piece was not knowing what these littles have endured in their short lives before spending a few nights with me. I am set in wanting to only foster newborns. Brand-spankin’ new from the hospital please. I thought I was helping others when in the end it was I who was learning and gaining the benefits of all this LOVE.

Fast forward to three months ago, I attended “Little Man’s” final hearing. I walked in hoping they would either extend the case or remove him from his BioMom’s care. I still didn’t think she was ready or capable of being his Mother and maybe six more months of counseling and hand holding will help that. Maybe being the keyword. I walked out of the court room disheartened from the outcome, but relieved at the completion.  Six months after handing him over “Little Man’s” case has officially been closed. No more court involvement unless BM strays off her path of positive growth.  It is finally over. Or so I hope.

Goodbye Day - Part 2

Oops...
Okay…. We are going back to where I left off months ago. Saying Goodbye to our 3^rd Angel Baby…

We ate our pancakes. “Little Man” felt much better. Who doesn’t feel better with pancakes? I made plans with BioMom to meet up at the trolley station where we normally did drop offs and pick-ups. That decision was harder than I expected it to be.  I felt this to be the best place because it was in public.  That meant I couldn’t be a crying fool till I got in the car. It’s a place people don’t hang out for hours. There would be no expectations to stay a little longer.  And especially for “Little Man”, it was a regular drop off place. He was familiar with it. He expected Mommy to be there. He expected me to say goodbye. He expected to go home with her.

Erwin picked us up along with the rest of his belongings. I had packed up most of it in the days prior. There was so much. He was spoiled by us and the rest of our family. I wanted to make sure his things were with him so he felt more comfortable being away from me.  I had also saved things since the day he came to us.  His coming home outfit, his first Christmas outfit, his Christmas stocking, his Easter basket, etc.  I made sure to save all the gifts his Mommy and other family members had given him too. Needless to say there were about 3 boxes and quite a few grocery bags for BioMom to take home. BioMom was in the parking lot waiting for us with a friend who drives. This way she could take his things easier.

Erwin unpacked our car and packed up hers. I don't think he made much eye contact with her. I gave her some information about the things I packed for him.  Bags she could hold off going through and ones she needs to open immediately. Then it was time for me to hand over "Little Man".  The last time I would be in this position with him.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him so much. I think I said it till he started to get irritated with me. It makes me giggle to this day. I told him I would see him later and to have fun with Mommy.  I watched him as he hugged Erwin and got into his carseat in the other car.  I turned to his BioMom and she had tears in her eyes.  That was not going to make things any easier for me.  This girl has only cried two other times in these 22 months. They are always real tears. I told her to wipe her tears an knock that 'bleep' off! She laughed. I told her in a very strong tone that she needs to do right by this baby boy. That she is going to make mistakes but its ok.  If those mistakes are bigger than she can handle then she needs to call me. I will be there for "Little Man".  But I made her promise me to call me. It's ok to call me. I reminded her that I didn't want  him to be sent back into the system or the local children's center. Call me! She promised me. We hugged. We cried. We said Goodbye.

He's My Son

I don’t know anyone who can handle a little one crying out of sadness. There is that sound that just eats at your heart as they cry for you. Now add in the fact that the cry is coming from my son. My previous foster son that I loved and cared for, for 22 months straight. He knew no other love than mine for the first 6 weeks of his life. We see him at least once a month. Sometimes more, especially during school breaks when E has time to spare. But we always take him home. He is not forever ours. Even though when I leave him for any extended period of time my parting words are “I love you Forever”.

He has been reunified for 9 months and 5 days. Whenever he is with us and you ask him if he wants to stay or go, he has never once said he wants to go. Never once has he chosen Mommy over Momma. (I am Momma) He is NOT my son. He is hers. But he has my heart and I will never ask for it back. I don’t know how to do that nor do I think I am equipped with those parts.  The parts I do have ache deeply as I sit in the left hand turn lane, 7 blocks from his house and he begins to whimper and stare out the car window. He knows that left hand turn lane like the back of his hand. His brother, sister, Momma and Daddy don’t live over there.  His Mommy and some other random people live there. They don’t care for him like we do. They don’t have time for him in their lives like we do. They don’t see him like we do. Like really SEE him. 

I guess for now, I will just make sure that he knows we do SEE him! We do have time for him! We do care for him! And we will love him forever!!

Oh How Things Have Changed

For example, I’m sitting typing this in the Laundrymat because my washer has been broken for 6 weeks. Really? Oh ya! 6 FRIGGIN’ WEEKS!! This is our third trip here and hopefully our last. Washer guy is coming tomorrow afternoon between 1 and 5pm and it will be our 7^th attempt at fixing it. We have already had 3 different techs at the house. One idiot, one super driven, ADHD fun to talk to guy and one veteran from Boston who I decided that no matter who it was I was shake his hand so hard that he would be scared to do anything other than fix my machine. Hey, I can get BIG when I wanna be. Watch out! Well, it didn’t work. It was a solid handshake but he decided to give us a 3^rd diagnosis and ordered a 3^rd part. I wonder who we will get tomorrow??

My life is a bunch of guesswork right now.  Erwin’s volleyball club is up and running actually at the end of its first season. He pretty much knows what he is doing but every now and then a parent shows up with a little wrench to throw our way. We just hang on and go with the flow. The kids are as unpredictable as ever as they head into teen-dom! NOT my favorite age by the way… I have to guess when events are happening or if something important is going on at school, for example a minimum day where I might need to be in the area to pick up said teen or preteen. Then we have fostering, which if you know the foster world or have read any of this, you know that is the 2^nd descriptive word of Foster life. You never know what’s going to happen. And our most recent Angel Baby was double the guesswork as you will soon read. 

Basically as I read, things really haven’t changed. WE live our life day to day and accept things as they are handed to us. Sometimes understanding that God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle and other times wondering why He trusts us so much.  But we are here to live another day and I’m finally back on the road to sharing our story.