It's been a few days. She is still on my mind. I have a feeling she will be for far longer than I expected. There was something miraculous about this little one. She has touched the four of us like nothing or no one has ever done. With that said, every time I leave the house I stop what feels like a million times before I get in the car because I know I have forgotten something. There is always something missing. Only for a few seconds of course. Yesterday was the kids 1st day back to school from a fall break and Ethan opened the truck door in the morning. I locked our front door, turned around and he was just standing there looking in the truck. Automatic morning response from me, "Ethan what are you doing? GET in the car!!" He whispered back, "I can't Mom...."Baby Girl's" seat is gone." Ugh... Thank God that these kids will have school, friends and awesome teachers to focus on all day. It will help distract them from the thoughts of what we are missing.
The bottles are sitting in the blue bowl in the sink. Erwin would grab that bowl each night to wash and sterilize the bottles and paci's for the following day. Made things a lot easier for me to wake-up and grab one from the fridge while the kids were getting ready for school. For now, the bottles sit because Erwin can't get himself to wash them knowing they will be put away for awhile. There is a load of dirty baby clothes in the hamper and a clean load in the dryer. I can't get myself to do the laundry yet.
She is doing great! I actually get a few texts each day from "Baby Girl's" Forever Family, letting me know that she is adjusting perfectly. Still sleeping through the night and eating just fine. They have let me know again that I am welcome to call or text whenever I want. I am even welcome to visit too. This has got to be a dream! An amazing dream!
Naps are probably going to be the most restful piece of my days for awhile. Everywhere I go I have to explain where she is. I answer the new questions like, "Will you ever see her again?" "How could you do that?" "When will you get your next baby?" "Now what?" Now, don't get me wrong. I feel so very fortunate to help educate so many people on how Angel's Foster Network works. I just need a little time to process what it is that Er, the kids and I just did. The kids however, are ready for a new Angel Baby to love and cherish! Er and I are going to give it a couple of weeks so we can love and cherish our own grown babies. So, onto soccer practice, homework, volleyball games and a little TLC for Ethan and Abby and Ruby (our puppy-dog) too.
Good Nite!
:)Amy
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Monday, October 22, 2012
GoodBye Sweet Sweet Girl
The doorbell rang and it was them. They were all aglow with love and excitement with a little bit of apprehension. I went over all the goodies I had packed up for her and the paperwork I handed over too. I still now feel like there is something I missed. That seems to be my only hang-up. Did I tell them that sometimes she likes the pacifier when she is super tired and can't eat yet? Did I tell them she likes to be bounced a little to help her sleep? I hope I said that she drinks the formula super fast sometimes and other times slow as molasses. Erwin reassures me I did.
I got to talk to FF2 (forever parent 2) for awhile too while Erwin did his protective Dad checklist with FF1 (forever parent 1). We have lots in common and they were really easy to talk to. One is quiet and one is super excited and I think it may be the fact that they have come so close to getting other babies for it to all change at the last second. I'm glad we've been able to be a part of this super day with them!
It's time and Erwin kisses her a few more times as she wakes up and hands her to FF1. They gently put her in the carrier and the crying begins. Not us yet. This was "Baby Girl" in all her might protesting this new move. She was not a happy camper. And there was nothing Er or I could do. She was scared. I think a little bit was exhaustion and that it was almost time for food. What I knew for a fact was her eyes were fixated on Erwin and I trying to get it through our heads that she wanted out! I gave her the favorite blankie and had Ethan sit next to her why we said goodbye to her new parents. FF1 gave me the biggest hug and I will never forget what they said,"Thank you so much Amy. And anytime you want to see her or hear her, just call! Really, I mean it. Just call!" That was it! My waterworks began.
They walked out, I shut the doors and fell into Erwin's arms. How could something so wonderful hurt so bad? I know it was the right thing. I know this family is her Forever Family. There were absolutely no doubts that this was God's plan for our little Angel. I couldn't stop the tears tho. Erwin just held me tightly. I think I cried even more because the person rubbing my back telling me what a great mom I had been to her and how I gave her everything I could, was Abby. I think Er and I prepared the kids better than we prepared ourselves.
Saturday night was quiet. The kids didn't go back to school till Tuesday, so we had a few days to let this all settle. On Sunday it was just the 4 of us. Erwin shared with me later that week that he was going to play the lottery Saturday and if he won, we were going to adopt her. I guess he shared it with the kids but not me. Smart move. ;) We will now take each day as it comes; thinking of her as much as we can, I don't want to forget her. Somehow I don't think my heart will let me.
I got to talk to FF2 (forever parent 2) for awhile too while Erwin did his protective Dad checklist with FF1 (forever parent 1). We have lots in common and they were really easy to talk to. One is quiet and one is super excited and I think it may be the fact that they have come so close to getting other babies for it to all change at the last second. I'm glad we've been able to be a part of this super day with them!
It's time and Erwin kisses her a few more times as she wakes up and hands her to FF1. They gently put her in the carrier and the crying begins. Not us yet. This was "Baby Girl" in all her might protesting this new move. She was not a happy camper. And there was nothing Er or I could do. She was scared. I think a little bit was exhaustion and that it was almost time for food. What I knew for a fact was her eyes were fixated on Erwin and I trying to get it through our heads that she wanted out! I gave her the favorite blankie and had Ethan sit next to her why we said goodbye to her new parents. FF1 gave me the biggest hug and I will never forget what they said,"Thank you so much Amy. And anytime you want to see her or hear her, just call! Really, I mean it. Just call!" That was it! My waterworks began.
They walked out, I shut the doors and fell into Erwin's arms. How could something so wonderful hurt so bad? I know it was the right thing. I know this family is her Forever Family. There were absolutely no doubts that this was God's plan for our little Angel. I couldn't stop the tears tho. Erwin just held me tightly. I think I cried even more because the person rubbing my back telling me what a great mom I had been to her and how I gave her everything I could, was Abby. I think Er and I prepared the kids better than we prepared ourselves.
Saturday night was quiet. The kids didn't go back to school till Tuesday, so we had a few days to let this all settle. On Sunday it was just the 4 of us. Erwin shared with me later that week that he was going to play the lottery Saturday and if he won, we were going to adopt her. I guess he shared it with the kids but not me. Smart move. ;) We will now take each day as it comes; thinking of her as much as we can, I don't want to forget her. Somehow I don't think my heart will let me.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Here we go
Today I dressed her up as cute as I could. The bright yellow outfit with a white tutu and a little bumblebee on it saying "Bee Happy". Going to be hard today. Ethan has his game at 11ish and Abby has games pretty much all day. "Baby Girl" will get to say goodbye to all her Soccer Star friends. And more importantly, the Soccer Star Mommas will get a chance to hug her and squeeze her one more time.
The games were over and now it's time to drive home, finish packing her things and hand her over to her new family! I can't believe this is actually happening. I can't eat but the rest of the family is while I run around the house with just a few minutes to spare. I took a moment to jot down those special things about "Baby Girl" that only I know. She doesn't like to be held like a baby unless she is sleeping. She is a great burper but sometimes her burping parts need a little help. She is not that fond of the bath yet. She can put herself to sleep for her 1st nap of the day. And on and on and on...
She was getting tired and I was glad. I was hoping she would be asleep when she left. It was the perfect time for the four of us to say our farewells before her FF arrived. Abby carried her around a little bit telling her how much she loved her and that she was going to miss her! Time for Ethan to hold her. He doesn't hold her often. Still an awkward boy when it comes to that. He did all his special time when "Baby Girl" was on the floor or in the carrier. Tonight was different and as he grabbed her she ended up in his arms being held like a baby. She hates that. Big complaints usually come from her tiny mouth but this time it wasn't the case. She looked up at Ethan and just started talking to him. She took a break and layed her head on his arm. A few seconds went by and she turned back to him and talked to him again. I was dying inside. She was treasuring this time with her big brother. Erwin held her a bit longer and said his goodbyes as she drifted off to dreamland.
The games were over and now it's time to drive home, finish packing her things and hand her over to her new family! I can't believe this is actually happening. I can't eat but the rest of the family is while I run around the house with just a few minutes to spare. I took a moment to jot down those special things about "Baby Girl" that only I know. She doesn't like to be held like a baby unless she is sleeping. She is a great burper but sometimes her burping parts need a little help. She is not that fond of the bath yet. She can put herself to sleep for her 1st nap of the day. And on and on and on...
She was getting tired and I was glad. I was hoping she would be asleep when she left. It was the perfect time for the four of us to say our farewells before her FF arrived. Abby carried her around a little bit telling her how much she loved her and that she was going to miss her! Time for Ethan to hold her. He doesn't hold her often. Still an awkward boy when it comes to that. He did all his special time when "Baby Girl" was on the floor or in the carrier. Tonight was different and as he grabbed her she ended up in his arms being held like a baby. She hates that. Big complaints usually come from her tiny mouth but this time it wasn't the case. She looked up at Ethan and just started talking to him. She took a break and layed her head on his arm. A few seconds went by and she turned back to him and talked to him again. I was dying inside. She was treasuring this time with her big brother. Erwin held her a bit longer and said his goodbyes as she drifted off to dreamland.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Friday we meet
It's set and I called the shots somewhat. The "telling", a reading of "Baby Girl's" life and story, by the County worker to the perspective Forever Family (FF) will happen on Wednesday the 3rd. The family will need to accept her within 24 hours. When they do, either they or Ernie will call us and set up a visitation with us to meet her and then they will be ready to do the transfer most likely on October 6th.
The phone rang and a hispanic name appeared on our caller ID. At this point that's all I know of them. I freaked out and Er answered the phone. Dumb sales people! lol... The real phone call came Thursday morning around 11am. It was parent #1 of her Forever Family (FF1) and they were so nice on the phone. They were dying to call me but didn't want to call me too early. We set it up a visit for Friday evening after soccer practice. The final pick-up will be Saturday evening after soccer games and dinner. There it was all planned out. The Good-Bye Day is here and I'm not sure I'm ready.
Let me back track -- "Now - there is one more thing I need to discuss with you." -- Ernie starts to say things like, he knows how special my family is, and that we have been talking about the whole process with my kids for the duration of our placement. He feels that all will be ok. He "...is not going to be there with us when they pick her up." Umm...Ok. Thank you? Was it a compliment or a glitch in the system we were learning so much about. I was on the phone and not sure what else to say other than sure we will be fine! It is was it is and I hope and pray Erwin and I will be able to handle this.
I'm home 2 hours later and Erwin isn't ok with this meeting process. So, I handed the reigns to him and he made the calls. He had a valid reason. We are supposed to hand over our baby to a stranger who we have only spoken to on the phone? No paperwork, no ID check. Needless to say, Ernie arrived to introduce the family to us and we threw that worry out the window. Thank you O-so-strong-husband of mine!
FF1 was amazing on the phone and had given me the choice of when to have the visit as well as the Good-Bye Day. They are just sooo excited this is really happening having waited 9 years to adopt. Erwin and I don't know how they will leave this precious baby after seeing her for even one minute. We were right on. After FF1 and FF2 walked in the door Friday night and immediately got on the ground with her, they asked if they could spend the night on the living room floor. They don't know how they will leave. This immediately gave me peace. It was as if we had known them for years.
Er and I are okay, "Baby Girl" - not so much. She knew there was something else going on with these people. She was constantly complaining looking for Er or I. FF1 didn't hesitate to pick her up and attempt to comfort her. Some moments she was at peace and others she was whiny. So hard not to grab her from their hands and put her to sleep in 2 minutes. The hour they were here seemed to fly by. Lots was talked about. Baby stuff, Mommy/Baby Stuff and life stuff. They have been together for over 20 years and I think are close to our age. Another relief moment for me. They told us how they would love to keep the lines of communication open and we are welcome to be a part of "Baby Girl's" life. That is when I cried for the 2nd time in 10 days. They were genuine and I felt it.
At dinner right after, I sat in the booth with "Baby Girl" in her carrier. She never took her eyes off of me. Oh, sweet heartbreak. I put her to sleep that night for the last time and sat with Erwin in bed. He asked me if I was ok and I told him I just didn't know what I should be doing. Do I pack now? Do I type up her routine and all the little things we know that only her parents would know? Should I be balling my eyes out right now? Or should I just be getting ready for bed and ready for the big soccer day tomorrow? Sleep it is...
Good Nite!
:)Amy
The phone rang and a hispanic name appeared on our caller ID. At this point that's all I know of them. I freaked out and Er answered the phone. Dumb sales people! lol... The real phone call came Thursday morning around 11am. It was parent #1 of her Forever Family (FF1) and they were so nice on the phone. They were dying to call me but didn't want to call me too early. We set it up a visit for Friday evening after soccer practice. The final pick-up will be Saturday evening after soccer games and dinner. There it was all planned out. The Good-Bye Day is here and I'm not sure I'm ready.
Let me back track -- "Now - there is one more thing I need to discuss with you." -- Ernie starts to say things like, he knows how special my family is, and that we have been talking about the whole process with my kids for the duration of our placement. He feels that all will be ok. He "...is not going to be there with us when they pick her up." Umm...Ok. Thank you? Was it a compliment or a glitch in the system we were learning so much about. I was on the phone and not sure what else to say other than sure we will be fine! It is was it is and I hope and pray Erwin and I will be able to handle this.
I'm home 2 hours later and Erwin isn't ok with this meeting process. So, I handed the reigns to him and he made the calls. He had a valid reason. We are supposed to hand over our baby to a stranger who we have only spoken to on the phone? No paperwork, no ID check. Needless to say, Ernie arrived to introduce the family to us and we threw that worry out the window. Thank you O-so-strong-husband of mine!
FF1 was amazing on the phone and had given me the choice of when to have the visit as well as the Good-Bye Day. They are just sooo excited this is really happening having waited 9 years to adopt. Erwin and I don't know how they will leave this precious baby after seeing her for even one minute. We were right on. After FF1 and FF2 walked in the door Friday night and immediately got on the ground with her, they asked if they could spend the night on the living room floor. They don't know how they will leave. This immediately gave me peace. It was as if we had known them for years.
Er and I are okay, "Baby Girl" - not so much. She knew there was something else going on with these people. She was constantly complaining looking for Er or I. FF1 didn't hesitate to pick her up and attempt to comfort her. Some moments she was at peace and others she was whiny. So hard not to grab her from their hands and put her to sleep in 2 minutes. The hour they were here seemed to fly by. Lots was talked about. Baby stuff, Mommy/Baby Stuff and life stuff. They have been together for over 20 years and I think are close to our age. Another relief moment for me. They told us how they would love to keep the lines of communication open and we are welcome to be a part of "Baby Girl's" life. That is when I cried for the 2nd time in 10 days. They were genuine and I felt it.
At dinner right after, I sat in the booth with "Baby Girl" in her carrier. She never took her eyes off of me. Oh, sweet heartbreak. I put her to sleep that night for the last time and sat with Erwin in bed. He asked me if I was ok and I told him I just didn't know what I should be doing. Do I pack now? Do I type up her routine and all the little things we know that only her parents would know? Should I be balling my eyes out right now? Or should I just be getting ready for bed and ready for the big soccer day tomorrow? Sleep it is...
Good Nite!
:)Amy
Sunday, October 7, 2012
The Other Phone Call
Two phone calls seem to be the only ones of any importance to me these days. The first one where we find out a special little Angel needs our family. The second one being the one I just got on the 25th. "Can I drop by in about 40 minutes?" Ernie called and said he had an update and wants to talk to me while he was in the area. I have been waiting to hear from him for 2 and a half weeks to get the update on the "Family" or the "Bio-Family" that appeared on the radar.
Long story short (not really but...) the bio-family member never appeared again and they are moving forward with the family they found and hear we go! Because "Baby Girl" is a baby we will move though the transition a bit quicker since she will be able to adjust much faster and not have anyway of really disapproving of her new family. One of her parents is already requesting Family/Medical Leave to stay home with her for a few months. "We think they can pick her up on October 8th." EX-SQUEEZE ME??? (Not in quotes cuz I didn't say it out loud.) It was next week and I was in complete disbelief. The kids and Er & I had just been telling everyone we are looking forward to dressing her up for Halloween and will definitely ask for that to happen before she is transitioned. Now I can't ask them to wait 3 weeks so we can play dress-up. Even typing this I am in shock that this felt like a tornado going through. Thinking about it I figured out that the 8th is a Monday. There is no way I could sit around during the weekend and wait for Monday to come so I could pick up this beautiful baby I have been dreaming about. It's gotta happen on Friday or Saturday for sure. That makes it even sooner!!
Hearing Ernie talk about "Baby Girl's" forever family, I am already feeling comfortable about who they are. I know they are in So.Cal but still not sure where. They have an older daughter from a previous marriage not in the home with them all the time. From talking to them, Ernie had a good feeling that they would want to keep the communication open as she grew up. This was a big piece for us. We wanted to see what this little miracle becomes. She is meant to do something big - we are sure of it! Well, this is awesome. Except that we now have 10 days to love her and hold her and squeeze her and call her mine. Crappy!
With a slight tilt of his head and a deep sigh, Ernie says, "Now - there is one more thing I need to discuss with you." I started to freak out not understanding what it could possibly be. We seriously had all the important deal-breakers already happen...
(to be continued)
Good Nite!
:)Amy
Long story short (not really but...) the bio-family member never appeared again and they are moving forward with the family they found and hear we go! Because "Baby Girl" is a baby we will move though the transition a bit quicker since she will be able to adjust much faster and not have anyway of really disapproving of her new family. One of her parents is already requesting Family/Medical Leave to stay home with her for a few months. "We think they can pick her up on October 8th." EX-SQUEEZE ME??? (Not in quotes cuz I didn't say it out loud.) It was next week and I was in complete disbelief. The kids and Er & I had just been telling everyone we are looking forward to dressing her up for Halloween and will definitely ask for that to happen before she is transitioned. Now I can't ask them to wait 3 weeks so we can play dress-up. Even typing this I am in shock that this felt like a tornado going through. Thinking about it I figured out that the 8th is a Monday. There is no way I could sit around during the weekend and wait for Monday to come so I could pick up this beautiful baby I have been dreaming about. It's gotta happen on Friday or Saturday for sure. That makes it even sooner!!
Hearing Ernie talk about "Baby Girl's" forever family, I am already feeling comfortable about who they are. I know they are in So.Cal but still not sure where. They have an older daughter from a previous marriage not in the home with them all the time. From talking to them, Ernie had a good feeling that they would want to keep the communication open as she grew up. This was a big piece for us. We wanted to see what this little miracle becomes. She is meant to do something big - we are sure of it! Well, this is awesome. Except that we now have 10 days to love her and hold her and squeeze her and call her mine. Crappy!
With a slight tilt of his head and a deep sigh, Ernie says, "Now - there is one more thing I need to discuss with you." I started to freak out not understanding what it could possibly be. We seriously had all the important deal-breakers already happen...
(to be continued)
Good Nite!
:)Amy
I Cried
It was right after my WIC appointment for the month of September and I was walking the baby aisles of a local grocery store looking for some chewy toys for "Baby Girl". The drool is on full force now and she loves to suck on her blankets. I'll try the fridge ones. The phone rings and it's Ernie, the county worker. I haven't heard from him in a few weeks and am so anxious to hear what he is going to say. He says he has some updates for me. They have found a family. "Oh wow! Ok." They seem very nice and he is optimistic this will be a great transition. "Ok." is really all I can muster out at this point. Then, he says before he moves forward with this family we have a little speed bump in the road. They received a phone call from bio-mom's bio-sister. Huh? You heard from who? I thought she was adopted and had been in the system her whole life. Plus, we were told there was only one family member who was an adopted sister. Seems like this woman has shown up from no where. After years of dealing with this bio-mom, Ernie never knew about any blood relatives. Till now. They live in another state pretty far away but are super excited and everything seems to be rolling. She has to speak to her spouse and then get back to Ernie before we do anything else. He has been leaving messages but has not heard back. He will give them a few more days and then move onto the family he found. "Ok."
I got off the phone kind of excited, telling "Baby Girl" that she has an Aunt and may be able to meet her. Someone who might look like her and know stuff about her mother's past. This was a positive step in my book. It wasn't till later when I was holding her as she napped when I started to cry for the first time. Staring at her thinking about how far away she will be from me. I will be sending her to complete strangers that I cannot just drive over and check-in. Even if they did want an open relationship with us. It all turned not so positive. How the heck am I gonna do this? The next few weeks were spent looking at the phone and wondering why Ernie wasn't calling.
While we waited we watched "Baby Girl" grow and start to have her favorite toys. She would smile when the dog would sit near her or run by. She also got more and more attached to me. Erwin would come home and give me a break but she wouldn't want anything to do with him for long. The spoiling has backfired on me. I really thought the new parents would have to break her of wanting to be held by me all the time. oops. We still have her. Oh well, I will survive holding this 12lbs of pure love! I will survive!
:)Amy
.jpg)
I got off the phone kind of excited, telling "Baby Girl" that she has an Aunt and may be able to meet her. Someone who might look like her and know stuff about her mother's past. This was a positive step in my book. It wasn't till later when I was holding her as she napped when I started to cry for the first time. Staring at her thinking about how far away she will be from me. I will be sending her to complete strangers that I cannot just drive over and check-in. Even if they did want an open relationship with us. It all turned not so positive. How the heck am I gonna do this? The next few weeks were spent looking at the phone and wondering why Ernie wasn't calling.
While we waited we watched "Baby Girl" grow and start to have her favorite toys. She would smile when the dog would sit near her or run by. She also got more and more attached to me. Erwin would come home and give me a break but she wouldn't want anything to do with him for long. The spoiling has backfired on me. I really thought the new parents would have to break her of wanting to be held by me all the time. oops. We still have her. Oh well, I will survive holding this 12lbs of pure love! I will survive!
:)Amy
.jpg)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)