I believe... I believe... I believe... I don't believe

(Obviously I did not catch you up all the way... But we are up to August. I think...)

We have one more chance coming in the form of the court hearing we have been waiting for since April. This is the pre-trial conference before the hearing we have been waiting for since April. Here all parties, county, biomom, biodad and foster child are represented and relay their plans to the judge. They agree or disagree and either the judge can say "see you at the hearing" or "how about we just change it now and save everyone the time". Or he can order a continuance. We were told this is it.

"Mom has made great progress in little time. She has completed much of the reunification plan." Are you kidding me? That is all that is going through my head. I'm sitting in the back of the court room with the CASA trainees and other randoms that feel the need to be there. They have no idea I am the one who has raised this child whose name is never mentioned.  He is referred to as the "minor". Bottom line is everyone agrees to ANOTHER continuance since her overnights are close to starting and she is moving into her own place very soon. As soon as the judge ended the hearing, I got up and headed out. "Little Man's" attny followed me and as the door closed, I started crying out of pure sadness for my son. He is being dragged along like a ragdoll. Just hold on honey. Only another month! Whatever! The attny says she is not happy it has been continued again but has also warned the county that this is it. No more continuances. It's do or die! She has 3 weeks to get her schtuff together. She said something to me that explained this whole process. "You are playing Russian roulette with a child's life." That is how the attny felt and it was exactly how I felt. I'm so relieved she is on "Little Man's team" She seems to be the only other one besides myself that truly believes "Little Man" deserves better.

Jumping In!

I'm so afraid...
 ...He's going to forget me.
 ...He's going to be mad at me.
 ...He's going to go crazy just having his biomom around.
 ...She is going to mess up and he is going to pay the price.
 ...This case is going to go another 2 years.
 ...I'm going to start resenting "Little Man", the system, Angel's.
 ...I'm not going to be able to handle this reunification.



The list could go on and on. Thoughts go through my head constantly, specially on those bad days. The bad days came pretty quick as unsupervised visits went from 4 hours to 6 hours to overnights. Not having him here at night was very odd. Something was missing. It was super quiet! I looked at my phone a lot. During the last few weeks of these visits "Little Man" ended up with a few scratched and random bruises. Some had reasonable stories, others not so reasonable. None of them were taken into account on judgment day.  "Little Man" always did "great" at his visits with his biomom. No problem sleeping, no tantrums, just peachy! There is absolutely no way it was that "great". He hates going to bed. Every night! But it just doesn't matter anymore. The days are slipping away from us and he is going back home. I had to deal with that and fast.


Oh but what would this case be without a little fork in the road, right? And oh what a doozy! It's time for the TDM. Team Decision Meeting. I'm scared out of my mind and I have no idea what to expect since the game has changed people! The game has changed. (did change... reminder that this all happened months ago. I'm still catching you up.)

Where have you been all my life?

I thought I would address the extensive time lapse in between posts. So much went on from the end of July through September 4th.  I honestly couldn't think of writing any of it down.  All I had were emotions. No words. Just emotions.  I'll try my best to catch you up...

So, we found Baby Daddy and he started to have visits with "Little Man". And he also helped to delay the court process for BioMom. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe those emotions. How could anyone who was supposedly putting the child's well-being first, let this go on and on and on, delaying the inevitable for "Little Man" which is leaving the only family he knows. Then at some point in August I'm told that if I were to say that I'm going to adopt him that the count would stop pursuing BM and BD and place him with us.  WHUUUT?!?! Well, there ya go. The solution is clear. We adopt him to keep him from this lifestyle that can only lead to a challenging childhood for him.  Right? Uh.... Wrong!! That would be the only reason we would adopt him. Let me reiterate that he is our son. He will always be my son and I will always be his Momma. But as a parent, love is not enough. And I have know this from the start that we are not looking to grow our family permanently. And I need to remind myself that if we did adopt we would be done fostering. 3 kids is a lot. I can't imagine 4, 5 or 6 kids.  My friends and cousins that have these large bee-utiful families are my heroes.

(Back to my "Little Man".) Hopefully, everyone that reads this knows or has heard of someone who grew up in a not so great neighborhood with a not so great family or even no family at all, but turned out to be a successful adult.  That is what I am going to have to be comfortable with every night when I go to sleep. 

Got Sleep?

(written Monday night)

3am and I have been lying in bed for over an hour.  Yes, I took a late nap but I take them when I can get them.  I haven’t been able to sleep well or nap well since we dropped him off. I’m out of my sleeping pills but I keep forgetting to call it in for more.  Easy fix on any other day.  I have the Nyquil handy but that just seems a little bit desperate and shady.  I decided to come downstairs, pop open a bottle of wine and start typing. I’ve put it off or way too long.  Oh ya and I’ll munch on some Monster Mix from Target and watch ‘Breaking Down the Bars’. 

I get to pick up “Little Man” Thursday morning. I’m a nervous wreck. It will be 4 weeks to the day that I last hugged and kissed my sweet foster son. Longest 4 weeks of my life. I can honestly say it has felt like 6 months.  Biggest fear is him not wanting to come with me.  Or crying for Mommy (BioMom) after we leave his home.  I have lots of supporters telling me I’m crazy for thinking that.  And when I stop to really think about that I had him for a little under 2 years I tell myself there is no way he won’t want to see me or come with me.  I guess I will find out in 3 days. 

Not sure where to back up to, to catch up on this story. Going to figure it out and bring ya along. You won’t believe the ups and downs we have been through. But you will sure want to read about it.  We still shake our heads at all we have learned and witnessed through loving “Little Man”.