Bits and Pieces

I think I am coming upon a weakness of mine within this Foster Care journey. As every day passes we sit and wait for instructions or information on what will happen next. For me, that works great. My anxiety that I fight in all other aspects of my life is kept at bay with all the last minute updates. (I'm a super-star with last minute anything!) The downside is it's only bits and pieces. We are not privy to any information at all. We don't have any rights to know anything accept the well being of our "little man".  This is killing me! I just want to know how the puzzle fits together is all. Why is Bio-Mom in jail? Why hasn't the Bio-Dad been found? Or maybe he has? Why wasn't "little man" given to his Bio-Grandma? I need to get over it. But it is going to be so hard. It really makes no huge difference to how we love and care for "little man". It will just satisfy my need to have answers.

Speaking of bits and pieces. It seems that is all I am able to give Bio-Mom when she makes her phone calls once a week. Prior to the actual call I am always going over our conversation in my head. I want to make sure I am giving her all the information that I would want to know myself if I were in her shoes. I talked to her once for about 3 minutes last week till my phone cut out. I felt horrible!! The one chance she gets to find out how her baby is and I drive down a road with no coverage! I left messages for his social worker and my social worker asking if she could have another call since it was my fault the call ended early. The second call was longer. All my practice "calls in my head" had no relevance. Bio-Mom asked the questions and I tried to give as much detail as I could. She was very interested in what he looked like. That was about it. It was very weird to have to edit my speech when telling a story. Instead of "Abby", it's "my daughter". Instead of "at the Volleyball game" it's "at the gym".  It all turns out to be bits and pieces of her baby's life. The conversation went well overall. I'm able to email her supervising Parole Officer pictures that she will then print out for her. That makes me feel good. After I hang up, I have to kind of evaluate how I did and how I am feeling. I need to back up and remember who I just spoke with. A drug addict who is incarcerated and had her child taken from her. My heart has been pulled back in and I am back to reality.

Nite Nite!
:)Amy

I'm TIRED!!

I'm tired people...so tired. But asking for help is completely out of the question of course. Why would I make things easier for myself? I'm tired mentally, physically and definitely just headed into the emotionally exhausted mode.

"Little Man" is not the sleeper we always hoped for. I think we have it narrowed down to bad digestive system. He seems to get the worst gas pains in the evening. We have started the Mylecon treatments hoping it's the trick. --- That was 2 weeks ago. No solutions here. Still our little almost 6 week old has stuck to his every 3 hours, 4 oz and well into the night. I get to the frustrated point a few times a week. Mostly the days where I don't get a nap to re-fuel! I just wish he could tell me exactly what he is feeling. Is it his belly? Is it the abdominal hernia? (Nice huh? Dr notes "Don't worry, unless he is in pain." And I am supposed to know that how?) Or maybe he is hungry? In the middle of the check-off list I remember he is only 4 weeks and 5 weeks old. He is still figuring things out. Chill Momma Chill!

During the day he is a sweet sweet boy and everyone around him has begun their deep deep love affair. This translates into very little effort on my part when we are out and about. Moms take a number just to get a few minutes of his chubbiness in their arms. I'm beginning to get the "he's big for his age..."comments. I just respond with, "We like the 2 or 3 chins look!" lol... I'm not sure what a baby looks like without 2 or 3 chins, come to think of it. ;)

Looking forward to the weekends. This is when Erwin is home and able to do the morning feedings and let me sleep in. Sooo good!!

"Little Man" has been to Sea World, high school volleyball playoffs, soccer games and next week we are going to Tea in La Jolla! Unfortunately the day before Tea we are going to Jail. My first visit, my first time in jail for any reason and I have no idea what to say or do. Should be nothing less than interesting!

:)Amy