Goodbye Day for "Lucy"

Friday morning came and I was running around the house as usual trying to gather the rest of “Lucy’s” things. I made sure to look in every crevice of our couch, under her crib, under her set in the car for each and every pacifier she could have dropped. It calmed her down when she would get in those panic modes. We tried to limit those to as few as possible.  I gave “Ethel” 2 bags of toys and belongings the day before when she had her for the whole day.  Abby told me the morning of that she was not going to say her goodbyes to “Lucy”, she wanted to go with me to drop her off. Sure! No problem! Well, I got a phone call from “Ethel” letting me know that she would be ready earlier than we had planned if I wanted to do the drop off then. Sure! No problem! Let’s get this pain train rolling! Got everything in the car and started down the road. I stopped at the stoplight which just happens to be at the intersection towards Abby's school. I looked right, saw the school and about jumped out the window! Luckily, no one was next to me, giving me the opportunity to make a right hand turn from the center lane. I grabbed Abby early from school. She would be devastated and I would feel so guilty if she missed her goodbye! (Phew! That was so frickin’ close!)

Abby and I took “Lucy” to the county office 15 minutes away. We met her new Momma in the garage. I handed her the bags and one box of clothes. I gave her the paperwork I had kept. The dr’s notes and recommendations for future drs notes. Abby took “Lucy” out of the car and held her for a moment. She looked at “Lucy” and told her how much she loved her and how much she was going to miss her. (Kleenex)  “Lucy” grabbed Abby’s face with her two tiny hands, looked at her and babbled her sweet babble, then quietly laid her head on Abby’s shoulder. This sweet 7 month old will forever have a piece of our hearts.  After my squeezes and kisses and promises to love her forever, I handed her over. “Ethel” gave me the biggest hug and thanked me for taking care of “Lucy”. She said we will be seeing each other soon and that I can call to check in or visit whenever I wanted. 

Today we have seen our “Lucy” a handful of times. She is growing by leaps and bounds. Two of her first words were Happy & Ocean! (Her Momma takes her to the beach all the time!) Really, what more could I ask for? “Lucy” is growing up with an amazing family, a super Mom and LOVE all around her! And we are blessed to be able to watch her bloom where God has planted her.

** “Lucy” and her Momma are waiting for their final adoption date. Her bio parents tried throwing some road blocks but in the end couldn’t get their lives in order to put their baby first. Thankfully the foster part of “Lucy’s” story will be a short one. **

Meeting Her New Mom

I wonder if I am the only blogger to ever hit a, let's say, blogger's block numerous times within the year. Or I wonder if it's just the fabulous world of fostering stunting my words. Either way, our 5th Angel "Charlie Brown" has left our home after 5 months and I felt it best to open the laptop and try again to catch up on my story telling.

"Lucy" had such a complicated story to tell with so much I can't share. It's an experience not many in my own circle of Foster Moms could call their own. I can say that as you will soon read, the story took an amazingly positive turn towards Forever Fabulousness!

In true My Family style, please rewind to May of 2015...
We meet on Monday, “Lucy” goes home for a full day visit on Thursday and Goodbye Day will come Friday.  That’s how it was all going to happen. What a whirlwind it was. But I know now that she is where she should be.  About 2 weeks prior to meeting her new Foster Mom I rcvd the call that they found a family for “Lucy”. I couldn’t believe how fast it happened. I was told at least a few months.  The Adoptions worker had called me and asked every question possible about the baby so they could give a great description to the possible families.  I was really good about giving all the details necessary so the family can make a good decision about whether they can take “Lucy” and keep her for possibly the rest of her life. I don’t want her to move anymore.  At this point, I still feel a little bad about not being a concurrent family.  But bottom line, the county and I really didn’t think it probable that “Lucy” would be reunified with her biological family.  This move was better for “Lucy” while she is 7 months young and not as attached to me as she could be a few more months down the road.

I was a nervous wreck going to the office that Monday even though we had talked on the phone numerous times during the 2 week wait.  The new Mom we will call “Ethel”, was so pleasant to talk to. She is in the medical field which was good to know with the few medical issues “Lucy” had. “Ethel” asked all the right questions and was giddy with excitement. Made total sense because “Lucy” would be her first child. I made sure to be available for her to call me whenever she had a question regarding “Lucy’s” care. I wanted to make sure the transition to her new home would be as easy as possible on her. The girl has been through enough in her short little life.

Meeting “Ethel” was uneventful as I knew it would be. Of course my anxiety takes hold of my senses faster than I can take a deep breath.  She wasn’t overly grabby and waited patiently for me to take “Lucy” out of the carrier. I think I would have been a little more crazy excited. A few moments into the visit it was time for a bottle and “Ethel” didn’t hesitate and took over like a natural. That’s when I took my deep breath. She handled everything like a pro. No bobbling or unsureness in her face. She was ready for this. “Lucy” seemed ready. While walking to the car I thought I might be ready too.

Emergency Room

Back in January... I had a crazy day to say the least.  Abby had a soccer game and it has been raining on and off. I’m not sure how “Lucy” is going to do with the loud noises.  She was totally fine with the all day volleyball, in a big ‘ole warehouse with hundreds upon hundreds of girls running around. We thought this day would be ok but were fairly cautious. She slept most of the time. That meant the rain and cold wasn’t bothering her. She was snuggled warm in the carrier under the tarp we set up. The game was nearing the end. Maybe 1 minute left and every parent jumped out of their seats and screamed as a last minute goal was scored! I don’t even think we were done screaming before we heard “Lucy” whaling from her seat. Then, her head shaking began and we were put into worry mode. I just kept thinking to myself – Please stop soon! Please stop soon! This one lasted almost a full minute. It’s ok we got this. Lots of cheek rubbing and forehead stroking and “it’s ok baby”. Then her eyes rolled back in her head for a few seconds and I knew I was headed to the emergency room after the game. She never lost consciousness or stopped breathing so we were so relieved about that. But what the heck was going on.  

I gotta eat lunch and she is doing just fine. I decided to take her in right after I ate.  That sounds easy right? Oh no that is just step 1. It’s Saturday, so I need to call the after hours number at Angel’s to report that I’m taking her in put of the ordinary.  Then, I need to leave a message with the county worker. Then I need to contact the BioMom.  Those don’t always happen in that order. In fact I contact the BioParent usually last because sometimes I just don’t want to hear the questions and then the excuses that come with a conversation like that. And packing up the bag for a possible long ER stay is tedious in itself. I can’t leave once I’m there so I need to make sure I have food for me, bottles for her, clothes, diapers and something else for me to do in case my phone dies or doesn’t work there.

I called BioMom and tell her what happened and not to worry. “Lucy” has been just fine since the incident. I’m taking her in because I want some more answers.  BioMom is crying and after I give her the option of meeting me there or having me keep her updated by phone, the excuses start to flow.  “I have to work” “I have to find a ride” “I have to take the bus and that will take me at least 2 hours to get there” I’m sorry did I not just tell you that your 3 month old daughters eyes rolled back in her head while having what I think is a seizure? (be assured - I said that in much softer terms.) This is exactly why I dislike calling the Bios. No, I hate it! Irritating!

This is where I have to stop telling you the details because of the sensitivity of “Lucy’s” case. I can tell you that they did tests and we were sent home with a referral to a specialist after only 3 hours.

Frustrating to say the least. I really wish they could just tell me. Give me the answers, the fix-all. Good news is she was ok and eating and sleeping the very next day. Well, kind of sleeping. That’s another day on Oprah!

The Visits Begin

PRE-NOTE--> Baby was in my care for a total of 5 days when an event occurred that has limited what I can share about this placement. It became a highly confidential case. --

The first official visit with BioMom at the Angel’s office was an eye opener. This is going to be the first time “Lucy” has seen her mom since she was in the hospital. It’s been a few weeks. I’m a ball of nerves. I can’t imagine what she must be feeling. She has been through a lot in the past few months and most definitely has "some splaining to do"!! 😉

“Lucy” smiled her little smile and kicked those chubby legs for her Mom. She had a wet diaper. I was hoping for a nasty dirty one that I didn’t have to change.  Babies seem to save those for me. Yay me! BioMom was able to give her a bottle and that’s when it started. Her head started to shake, just like she had done a few times before at home with me. She would take a drink for 5 seconds and then let go of the nipple and her head would go back and forth for about 3 seconds. Her entire feeding was like this while her Mom held her.  After that she burped and fell asleep.  Everything is fine right? The visit ended early upon BioMom’s request. She was tired and with the baby asleep she felt no need to be there. She thanked me and left.

I packed us up and headed to the lobby of the Angel’s office to speak to our CEO and out of nowhere “Lucy” started screaming uncontrollably.  She had been sleeping- what is going on? Then it happened again. Her head was shaking and I just knew this was a seizure. What I didn’t realize was it was a direct result of being with BioMom.  The CEO, who is also a foster parent, has seen this before. He agreed.  Being with BioMom took “Lucy” right back to where she used to be and right back to the atmosphere she was removed from. I’ve read it in books. I’ve seen it on TV and I’ve heard the stories. But it’s happening right in front of my face to my sweet baby girl. She is 3 months old and traumatized for all she was put through in the first 2 ½ months of her life.  Wow… So sad. So sad.  There WILL be extra snuggling tonight. 

Cuteness Alert... A lot to say today

So there is this app that my foster momma friends and I use to talk to each other 24/7. No, really… if our phones are not on silent at night, there is a large possibility that a sudden stream of buzzing will wake you up at 3am. Babies gotta eat, some refuse to sleep and a Momma has to vent. Out of 12 of us on this group chat at least 2 of us our awake at any hour. There are mornings we’ll wake up with 30-40 messages. Having these ladies available at all times is not only good to share a good “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID?!” But it is also amazing when you get that call for a squishy and you are slated to go to pick up alone. Usually when one momma is staring at her phone waiting for the buzz of Angel’s, all of us are staring at our phones waiting for the buzz of the app. This baby pick up was going to have to be a  solo pick up. Volleyball trumps Squishy pick up! Luckily, my SuperAmazing Momma K met me at the hospital to bring this little bundle home. I was so freakin’nervous. (It’s already done and over with and my stomach is turning.) I had the diaper bag packed with some 0-3 month pjs, wipes and a swaddle blankie of course. I still have no idea what to expect besides the fact that she has passed all the exams from the Neorologist, Internalist and Opthamologist. 

We weren’t sure Momma K was going to be allowed to be in the room with me to pick her up due to confidentiality but we were for sure going to try. Floor 4 I think. I told the nurse at the station who I was and she directed me to the next station down the hall.  The hospital social worker will meet me there. They told me the room #, my nurse would be in there. I’m not sure I will ever get used to the hospital cribs.  The 3 foot silver bars and a white sheet covered mattress. Nothing else but the hospital room machines to look at. There she was laying on her back, slightly covered by a standard issued scratchy, rough, white blanket with blue and pink stripe down the center. At this point I am not sure what I was going to call her in my blogs and to strangers inquiring about her. But darn she was a cutie!! Dark brown curly hair, pale white skin and a little bit of a smile as I peeked over the rail. I just stood looking and Momma K reminded me I could pick her up. She’s mine now. This cutie is long and light. Here it goes.  The questions start flowing in my brain non-stop… I wonder if her Mom or Dad is the tall one? I wonder what happened to her? Did anything happen to her? She looks completely normal. She is sooo cute! She’s mine? Oh my! She’s mine.

After that 10seconds of holding her, I glanced over at her teensy wrist and all I could think was “Why is my birthdate on her ID bracelet?” Yep, her and I share a birthday. So chilling and so cool!  Momma K and I just giggled. There was a baby carrier sitting on the floor next to the window with a baby bag overflowing with stuff.  Now all the protocol and policy stuff starts to run through my mind. I have to inventory it all and make sure I grab everything in the room that is babies. Why is there a solid glass egg paperweight in the diaper bag? LOL… Momma K and I couldn’t help but laugh. A dirty feeling blanket, an open container of formula, an open bottle of water and so much more was shoved in this bag. Most of it normal and some a bit surprising. All this time the nurse is going through her paperwork and is now ready for me to sign baby girl out. I do. The Dr. comes in and gives me the low down on her condition and what she was kept overnight for. “Nothing I should have to worry about.” I have a few follow-up appts to make on Monday. Then it was done. She was legally mine and she was cleared to leave the hospital. I got the usual “Thank you so much for taking her. You have such a big heart. I don’t know how you do what you do.”  And then before we knew it we were out the doors with an almost 3 month old baby girl. Oh ya, without anyone checking our ID.

Another New Start

Back in November, I took two, almost three weeks and went on vacation all by myself up in Northern California. I ain't got no job! I ain't got no baby! I ain't got &/"# to do! Erwin took on the role of mom and dad while I took care of me. Well, it ended up that my friends and family took care of me. Boy am I thankful they did! 
I got to see my nephews play soccer! Surprising them and my brother & sis-in-law at the games was awesome! No one knew I was coming. I drove by old friends and old boyfriends houses. I spent amazing time with my bestie of 30yrs. She helped bring my laugh back and we got our craft on. I saw my mom and my sister, my niece & nephew. Then I spent an incredible week with my Aunt and Uncle. That is where I got all my sleep, gained some weight from all the delicious meals I was showered with and just felt extremely loved and comforted by two of the most important people in my life!! I almost forgot this was followed up by a whole week away with my husband and kids too. This all was essential for my fresh start with the Foster Mom hat on. Lucky duck I was! 

So they say Friday is the busiest day of new babies going into the Foster system. I guess I can believe in that since my last three placements were picked up on a Friday. And wouldn't ya know the phone rang! About 10am... On a Friday in December. I grabbed my pen and notebook answered Angel's call and I had a decision to make.  A baby girl - 2 months old at Childrens Hospital. A few more specialists need to check her out but she will most likely be released tonight. Oh boy!! I mean Oh girl!!

Back at the Ranch

Our life had been hectic to say the least.  For the first 2 weeks after our Goodbye Day with "Little Man", I did lots of sleeping and resting.  Volleyball, soccer and school for the kids filled my other waking moments.  Then, to occupy my time and help out some Foster parents our family did Respite Care for a total of 6 kiddos.  One at a time, of course over 5 weeks or so. It brought me to one conclusion... NO TODDLERS! I wouldn’t even take in a 10 month old. Suffice it to say these littles were just what we all needed to take our aching hearts off “Little Man”.  The difficult piece was not knowing what these littles have endured in their short lives before spending a few nights with me. I am set in wanting to only foster newborns. Brand-spankin’ new from the hospital please. I thought I was helping others when in the end it was I who was learning and gaining the benefits of all this LOVE.

Fast forward to three months ago, I attended “Little Man’s” final hearing. I walked in hoping they would either extend the case or remove him from his BioMom’s care. I still didn’t think she was ready or capable of being his Mother and maybe six more months of counseling and hand holding will help that. Maybe being the keyword. I walked out of the court room disheartened from the outcome, but relieved at the completion.  Six months after handing him over “Little Man’s” case has officially been closed. No more court involvement unless BM strays off her path of positive growth.  It is finally over. Or so I hope.

Goodbye Day - Part 2

Oops...
Okay…. We are going back to where I left off months ago. Saying Goodbye to our 3^rd Angel Baby…

We ate our pancakes. “Little Man” felt much better. Who doesn’t feel better with pancakes? I made plans with BioMom to meet up at the trolley station where we normally did drop offs and pick-ups. That decision was harder than I expected it to be.  I felt this to be the best place because it was in public.  That meant I couldn’t be a crying fool till I got in the car. It’s a place people don’t hang out for hours. There would be no expectations to stay a little longer.  And especially for “Little Man”, it was a regular drop off place. He was familiar with it. He expected Mommy to be there. He expected me to say goodbye. He expected to go home with her.

Erwin picked us up along with the rest of his belongings. I had packed up most of it in the days prior. There was so much. He was spoiled by us and the rest of our family. I wanted to make sure his things were with him so he felt more comfortable being away from me.  I had also saved things since the day he came to us.  His coming home outfit, his first Christmas outfit, his Christmas stocking, his Easter basket, etc.  I made sure to save all the gifts his Mommy and other family members had given him too. Needless to say there were about 3 boxes and quite a few grocery bags for BioMom to take home. BioMom was in the parking lot waiting for us with a friend who drives. This way she could take his things easier.

Erwin unpacked our car and packed up hers. I don't think he made much eye contact with her. I gave her some information about the things I packed for him.  Bags she could hold off going through and ones she needs to open immediately. Then it was time for me to hand over "Little Man".  The last time I would be in this position with him.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him so much. I think I said it till he started to get irritated with me. It makes me giggle to this day. I told him I would see him later and to have fun with Mommy.  I watched him as he hugged Erwin and got into his carseat in the other car.  I turned to his BioMom and she had tears in her eyes.  That was not going to make things any easier for me.  This girl has only cried two other times in these 22 months. They are always real tears. I told her to wipe her tears an knock that 'bleep' off! She laughed. I told her in a very strong tone that she needs to do right by this baby boy. That she is going to make mistakes but its ok.  If those mistakes are bigger than she can handle then she needs to call me. I will be there for "Little Man".  But I made her promise me to call me. It's ok to call me. I reminded her that I didn't want  him to be sent back into the system or the local children's center. Call me! She promised me. We hugged. We cried. We said Goodbye.

He's My Son

I don’t know anyone who can handle a little one crying out of sadness. There is that sound that just eats at your heart as they cry for you. Now add in the fact that the cry is coming from my son. My previous foster son that I loved and cared for, for 22 months straight. He knew no other love than mine for the first 6 weeks of his life. We see him at least once a month. Sometimes more, especially during school breaks when E has time to spare. But we always take him home. He is not forever ours. Even though when I leave him for any extended period of time my parting words are “I love you Forever”.

He has been reunified for 9 months and 5 days. Whenever he is with us and you ask him if he wants to stay or go, he has never once said he wants to go. Never once has he chosen Mommy over Momma. (I am Momma) He is NOT my son. He is hers. But he has my heart and I will never ask for it back. I don’t know how to do that nor do I think I am equipped with those parts.  The parts I do have ache deeply as I sit in the left hand turn lane, 7 blocks from his house and he begins to whimper and stare out the car window. He knows that left hand turn lane like the back of his hand. His brother, sister, Momma and Daddy don’t live over there.  His Mommy and some other random people live there. They don’t care for him like we do. They don’t have time for him in their lives like we do. They don’t see him like we do. Like really SEE him. 

I guess for now, I will just make sure that he knows we do SEE him! We do have time for him! We do care for him! And we will love him forever!!

Oh How Things Have Changed

For example, I’m sitting typing this in the Laundrymat because my washer has been broken for 6 weeks. Really? Oh ya! 6 FRIGGIN’ WEEKS!! This is our third trip here and hopefully our last. Washer guy is coming tomorrow afternoon between 1 and 5pm and it will be our 7^th attempt at fixing it. We have already had 3 different techs at the house. One idiot, one super driven, ADHD fun to talk to guy and one veteran from Boston who I decided that no matter who it was I was shake his hand so hard that he would be scared to do anything other than fix my machine. Hey, I can get BIG when I wanna be. Watch out! Well, it didn’t work. It was a solid handshake but he decided to give us a 3^rd diagnosis and ordered a 3^rd part. I wonder who we will get tomorrow??

My life is a bunch of guesswork right now.  Erwin’s volleyball club is up and running actually at the end of its first season. He pretty much knows what he is doing but every now and then a parent shows up with a little wrench to throw our way. We just hang on and go with the flow. The kids are as unpredictable as ever as they head into teen-dom! NOT my favorite age by the way… I have to guess when events are happening or if something important is going on at school, for example a minimum day where I might need to be in the area to pick up said teen or preteen. Then we have fostering, which if you know the foster world or have read any of this, you know that is the 2^nd descriptive word of Foster life. You never know what’s going to happen. And our most recent Angel Baby was double the guesswork as you will soon read. 

Basically as I read, things really haven’t changed. WE live our life day to day and accept things as they are handed to us. Sometimes understanding that God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle and other times wondering why He trusts us so much.  But we are here to live another day and I’m finally back on the road to sharing our story.