Longer visits have arrived...

Boy is he hatin' the 6 hours he has away from us! Yep, the judge decided to give her 6 more months of services. We are headed to the final court date in April.  Social Worker has decided it is time to start the 6hr visits 3 times a week.  It took 3 weeks for her to tell me that but they are now here and no one other than BioMom is happy with it.  6 HOURS!!  The first one was a clock watching fest for me.  A much needed nap seemed to be the only true escape from the minute to minute countdown pick-up time.  After we picked him up he slept in the car almost immediately and continued his nap at home for about 3 hrs.

Next step is overnight visits and then the big decision is to be made. Seems quick and easy right?  I wish it was. So much can happen.  I'll share as much as I can.  Remember, just because the final court date is set for April, doesn't mean it's really the "Final" court date! Makes perfect sense!

Night!
:)Amy

Er hates it ... part 2

So, here it is, BioMom has a chance to really stick to the right path with the help of the County, myself and Angel's.  Well, throughout this whole time I thought the County was there to help "Little Man". I have sadly learned that they are really there to help the parents get back on their feet.  Ironically, in my opinion, the County is holding BioMom down.  She has a checklist given to her by the judge. She has been checking it off consistently.  She does everything she is supposed to do.  Probably grade C work. I of course would expect A work, but its not going to happen.  She does as she is told by me, her attny and the county.  The thing is, the SW has 40+ other parents to instruct and report, and observe and hand-hold.  Ones that are continuing to do drugs, or beat their kids when they get 5 minutes alone with them.  Not to mention the sick and despicable county families we have heard so much about in the news lately. County is for sure going to have those cases as priority as she is probably responsible for saving a few little lives there.  Here she has nothing to worry about, except, BioMom gets all excited when a new plan is put into place but months later it gets turned upside down since there is no time to execute the plan.  Another plan is set and the cycle continues. Currently we are on Plan #3. A completion date is set for the end of January.

I just want what is best for all. Erwin wants what is best for me and our family which includes "Little Man". I can't be mad at that. Unfortunately, or fortunately, in my Pollyanna world, BioMom could come out of this and be the best Mom she is capable of being. Then, I can say that I did the best I could in telling her "Yes you can!"

:)Amy

Er hates it... part 1

BioMom, "You have got to step up girlfriend! You can't just sit back and wait for the SW to make a choice. Fight for what you want. If you sit back and just ride, it's not going to turn out in your favor. Time will be up and the judge won't have any proof you can handle this."  Yep, I said it right to her. I've said it before, but again, this girl was dealt a hand that has a slim chance to none of coming out well.  I kind of feel like there needs to be a little gentle shove right now.  Nothing in the beginning was her fault.  She was forced into this world of drugs, child welfare, uncertainty and so much more. With only that has your base it will always be an uphill battle to stay on the right path. And in this world of fast, more, bigger, better, it's no wonder that 85% of the people incarcerated today were in the Foster system. 

Erwin hates the fact that I talk to BioMom as her supporter. I can't help it. Not only do I still look at her like one of our Volleyball girls, but I know from stories I've heard that there is a huge chance she is going to get "Little Man" back in the end. If this is true then I want her to be prepared. Now, I'm not going to do her homework for her. I don't constantly remind her of things she should be doing or not doing. If she is going to choose to fail, then I'm not going to stop her. But, I am for sure going to let her know that I am in her corner. Someone has to be. Hey if she is going to do anything to boost her chances of getting him back, it's not going to come from me pushing her in the right direction. I just want her to feel like she is not alone. I keep my boundaries. And trust me, she pisses me off enough of the time that I'm glad I am not investing my heart and soul into her recovery.

...to be continued

:)Amy

Still No Adoption for us!

Nope, we still are not going to adopt our "Little Man". We really are done raising kids. Any but our own two loves! Two weeks ago another 3 newborns came into our system.  And Angel's could only find a family for one of them.  We will foster again.  We will fall in love again! And then dread the day we say goodbye.

I can't explain it in detail or in a way that makes any logical sense. It's something you just know. I love being a Momma. I really do. Don't get me wrong there are days that my kids drive me up a wall! But they are also MY kids! They are the loves of my life! "Little Man" has a piece of my heart now. He is my son and I love him to the moon and back. The times when I pick him up and he pats me on the shoulder gives me goosebumps. He only does that with people he is happy to see. Melts my heart knowing that he looks to me to keep him safe. Watching him light up with extreme happiness when Ethan and Abby are home from school is pure joy. His sister and brother are back and it's time to play!! This all seems to lead to keeping him in our family forever right? Crazy thing is we know "Little Man" is not ours to keep forever. Our hearts tell us this. But it doesn't make us love him or want him any less. This boy is full of life, love and hope and we are blessed to be his family... for now.

I know that question is on the tip of your tongue again or maybe it never left and you have asked myself or another foster parent a million times. “How can you do that? How can you just give him back? I could NEVER do it!”

I have a new answer thanks to Angel Momma “L”. Close your eyes and imagine you are driving down the street. Any street. There is a baby wrapped in a blanket on the side of the road.  Are you going to just drive by? Or will you grab that baby and keep it warm and hold it close until the person comes along that the baby is meant to be with? Be it a day or a few months.

Seriously – It really is as simple as that.  It’s why we can’t not do it. I can’t just pass up that baby who has no one to hold it close and keep it warm.

Few men [or women] during their lifetimes come anywhere near exhausting the resources dwelling within them. There are deep wells of strength that are never used.

                                                                                                           -Richard Byrd

60-Day Trial

WHAT IS A 60-DAY TRIAL?

A trial period not a hearing in the court.  This is what BioMom will get once “Little Man” is handed over to her in January, if Plan #3 pans out.  I guess it means that her case is still open. If anything happens like, I don’t know, she gets high on Meth AGAIN, then the county has the right to walk in and have rights terminated immediately.  No need to open another case or wait for another hearing.  At least that is my understanding.  This loose definition leads me to believe that this is how kids end up being in the system for so long as little ones.  Not because they are unadoptable, but because they are returned to their bio-parents who are “recovered”, they do their 60-Day Trial and since everything is honky-dory, the case is closed.  And what??  3 days later the bio-parents have a little celebration party with extra special party favors?! BAM! Kids are back in the system.  New case opens up and the parents get another 18 months to recover and reunite with their kids.  Yeppers! Fun times in the Child Welfare System.  I just pray this is not what will happen to “Little Man”. 

Null -n- Void

BioMom has been so excited about the upcoming changes with "Little Man's" visits. It kills me because there is no way it can happen like the Social Worker had told her.  I had leaned on my case worker and suggested that BioMom call her SW so some clarification could be made. 

"Little Man" will be with us till January now. Yes, I am shaking my head right along side of you. Our hearts are lighter since we don't have to worry about the big changes and the big holiday coming. But now, I will be dropping off our bundle of laughs one day for 2 hours where she can take him to the local mall without supervision. And on another day she will get him for 4  hours without supervision at her home. This is going to start getting hard for me and him!! LOL... I know it seems like this other stuff is hard. It is for sure but this is the part that can't be described. (Im sure I will try to relay the feelings somehow) He is already crying for me when she goes to take him out of the car. SUCKS!! (Can you feel that?) When I think with a clear logical head this is exactly what needs to happen. Thank God it is starting to take form. I just know how bumpy the road is going to get for him. And it gives me a bit of a stomach ache.  This is really the only way to solidly know that she is ready to care for him. I just have to pray that the SW starts to be a SW and do her job thoroughly.  This way when her decision is made, it is from a clear picture of BioMom as a Mom, not just as a babysitter.

After, I was given the green light by the SW to start scheduling the new visits, I called BioMom.  The thing is, the SW has a lot of, let's say, trust in me. She leaves a lot of decision making up to me. Drives me insane! If you are going to let me make decisions then let me make all the decisions.  Im all or nothing. Always have been. SW was only going to give BioMom 4 hrs of unsupervised time in addition to her 2 hours of supervised time. Made no sense to me. It was baby steps after a year of baby steps.  I suggested it all be unsupervised and she responded, "If you think she can handle it, sure!" --No I don't think so, but she needs to show the judge she can't. This is the way. When I told Mom the changes I had pushed, she was super grateful! Not knowing it was going to be followed by a little straight forward advice from me.

...to be continued...

A little rant for ya!

It has been more than one year since “Little Man” became a part of our family.  He is one year old now and hasn’t started walking yet but I can’t believe he is one! I can’t believe I will be handing off my 1 year old to another family. Sounds so weird. (We are not even close to that time.) I know we were going to have to deal with this kind of timeline eventually but I really thought that taking in newborns was giving us a better chance of not having them for too long.  Wiped that one off my ‘Don’t have to worry about’ list. What a day that will be. I know it will be sad.  Giving away a baby that we have loved will always be sad no matter how long their stay. The thing that gets to me is how it will affect “Little Man”. He is going to be devastated to leave his Momma, Dadda, Brother and Sister and his world of routine, warmth and healthy activity. I know I know… everything we have given to this point has prepared him for that moment where he is challenged in the life he will lead. But gosh!! Why is it taking so long and why does she get another chance to screw him up?  Shouldn’t it be that once you possibly screw up someone’s life by doing drugs or putting them in danger, you don’t get a second chance?  Yes, she was handed some crappy cards in the beginning but look, her son now has been given a clean deck of brand new cards.  Why not watch how those cards will completely help him to lead the life you always wanted to live. Watch him thrive in a family who can give him that. Then I remember she has a different view of “Foster” and “Adoption”.  They aren’t exactly positive in her eyes.  She probably thinks she will do a better job of raising him than another family.  But she doesn’t realize that Angel’s has its hands in the mix now and we do whatever we can to help make that a different situation.  Getting tired a bit early tonight, as I sit high on my pedestal of everything that is good and right with the world.  A magic wand is all I need right? Can I get those on ETSY ya think? 

--> P.S. Plan#2 from the Social Worker is now history. "Little Man" will be with us through the new Year! UGH!! More details to come...

Happy Thanksgiving to us...

(LAST WEEK)

He can’t go on vacation with us so we will cut it a few days short.  We need to take advantage of Erwin having this time off.  Doesn’t happen very often.  A lot of my friends are happy that I will get a chance to sleep and have “me” time.  First off, I don’t sleep well anytime. That is why newborns were perfect for our family.  Secondly, “me” is made up of my husband, my kids and obviously the base of Amy.  Without any one of those pieces, I’m not fully me.  (But no doubt -- I love my friends!)

BioMom gave us no other choice but to use a respite family for 4 days and 3 nights.  Good thing about my Angel's support groups is getting to know the other Mommas.  This way I can pretty much hand pick the family to watch “Little Man” while we are away.  He is going to have a great time and hopefully not have too much of a hard time without us.  There are two little boys he will fall in love with.  Plus, they are an outdoors family.  The park and the beach are just a few things on their itinerary. 

When I picked up “Little Man” from his 4 hour unsupervised visit last week, I let BioMom know the name and a few details about the other family taking in her son.  I also told her, “We will be returning a few days earlier than we originally planned since we didn’t want to leave “Little Man” with a strange family for Thanksgiving.”  She immediately got sad eyes and said, “Awwee….Amy!!”  She felt bad.  And I was pleased as pie to see that.  I know she has a heart but I rarely see it. I think it’s very selfish that she wanted to have him with her for the 6 hours of visits she has over 2 days. We would have been gone for 7 days.  I would have made up the visits for her as she liked. It would have been no problem.  Hearing her dismay for the situation I was now in because of her, was reassuring that “Little Man’s” Mom does have an ability to feel for others.  Does feeling guilty about an action count under caring about others? Hmmm…

For Real ?!?!

(Still in October, about a week later)

Well, sure. She will get him back the 2^nd week of December. You know cuz she has had 1, just ONE, unsupervised visit of 2 hours.  That in itself proves that she is ready to raise this child.  From now till then, she will have to do 4 hour unsupervised, 8 hour unsupervised and overnight visits too. All during the Thanksgiving holiday and then we will have to send Little Man off right before xmas.  Fabulous gift!

I have really done it now. I will never complain about things moving slowly again.  (ya right!) I can’t believe he is really going to be gone in December.  Maybe this will be good timing.  We will be able to take a big break from Angel’s to heal our hearts.  The holidays will keep us busy and Erwin will be home for two of the weeks so we can focus on the kids too. Plus, if she fails, we will be ready to welcome “Little Man” back till his adoptive family is found.  This is going to be one heck of a Good-Bye Day!

 

Watch what you ask for…

Ugh! I totally jinxed myself.  Boy do we have stuff going on now.  I’m freaking out. It’s actually why I didn’t blog for a really longtime. I was emotionally frustrated and now I’m emotionally overwhelmed.  So let’s go back to October. 

. . . She is meeting with her Social Worker today and I have no clue what is going to happen but this has to start moving right? BioMom is completely excited. Unsupervised visits will begin! She is over the moon. Why shouldn’t she be, right? Now the big day is going to creep up on me and I will dropping “Little Man” off at her sober-living facility and I will have to leave him there. Drive away and return in 2 hours.  I’m gonna be sick!

The day is here.  I am to provide nothing for her now. She is to be prepared with anything and everything. Even at the supervised visits.  I’m on my way and as I exit the freeway I start to cry! WHUUT?!  I haven’t even dropped him off yet.  Plus, I have make-up on.  I got it under control.  Now I just have to hope I don’t have an IBS episode from worrying so freakin’ much!  I pulled up at the curb.  She walked out and grabbed him from the car.  I have made a boundary for myself.  I will not enter her home and she will not enter mine.  He is happy to see her and she is of course excited and nervous too. I pulled away and felt like my stomach was in my throat.  I just have to pray he is there in 2 hours. I have to keep my mind busy instead of thinking how she could possibly take off with him. 

I’m going to the brand new library downtown and going to enjoy peace and quiet while I do some digi scrapping! I’m not even going to look at my watch.  Of course after I set up my laptop, I look up and out of this big beautiful window in front of me only to find a gigantic clock tower staring right at me.  Classic! I turn my headphones on and press play on the ole iPod. Wynona’s “What the World Needs Now is Love”.  All about freakin’ patience and understanding. Ya ok… here come the tears. SKIP!  About 30 minutes go by and I look up from my laptop out the side window to find the trolley rollin’ by… headed to Tijuana, Mexico of course!! At that moment I knew she was on that trolley. LOL… I swear she was.  I still had about an hour and 10 minutes left before I could drive back to the building. 

Time’s up! I’m not calling her to let her know I’m on my way, ‘cuz she is there and she will be on time! I pull up at 12:26pm, 4 minutes early and bust out the Candy Crush.  It’s 12:30pm.  Door to the building is still shut.  12:31pm, nothing.  12:32pm… do I call my Angel’s worker or the County worker first? I can’t believe she ran.  I knew she would but I really can’t believe it is happening to me!! 12:33pm… 12:34pm… I go to text her and the door swings open with her and “Little Man” on their way out to my car. The most ridiculous 2 hours and 4 minutes ever!  

I pulled away from that building with the whitest knuckles on the steering wheel.  I couldn’t get home fast enough to wash him down, change his clothes and do a full body check.  I needed to squeeze him and kiss him so bad!  And I need nap!

----

I've just been in bed crying as quietly as I can as to not wake him up. Little Man is still the worst sleeper ever! Cutest curly hair but damn Gina! He can't sleep through the night but maybe once a week. And yes, he is 11 months old.

I'm typing now. Er thinks I'm getting a glass of water. It's 2am. Not sure why or how we are both awake. WARNING! MOM - DAD - CLOSE FRIENDS - LOOK AWAY - TMI -- We were kissing as quietly as we could -- OK - YOU CAN LOOK AGAIN -- and after, just lying there, I started crying. Not because I love this man so much and I can't believe he is with me 19 years later, but because I told him "I want to hold your hand more." It's hurts my heart because I am so tired from the daily grind of being a mom of 3 while my husband busts his butt supporting us. We barely have time to hold hands. My heart is breaking because the thoughts of resenting my bee-utiful Little Man have entered my tired mind. I ask myself pretty much on a daily basis, most definitely on Mondays and Thursdays, "When he is leaving?" "Why do I have to sit here and watch her (biomom) struggle with how to play with him or hold him?" "When is she (S.W.) going to make up her mind and either give him back or give him the life he deserves?" "Why are they all just sitting there while I take care of him and don't get to make any decisions about his future?!?"

-- Hubby just came down looking for me! -- I need to be brutally honest because I know that is what makes me feel better with no meds. Stories and lies from others to myself are what has kept me down for so long. I will be honest and not care who knows what! Well, you know, not about everything! I love this little boy so much! But It's just not fair! It's stopped being fair about 6 months ago! He turns 1 in less than a month. And he is being held in mid-air not knowing if anyone is there to catch him. You know who is holding him up there? Me! I'm dangling him with loving arms and a full heart! Somehow I don't feel like it counts. No matter how many people tell me that I am giving him so much that will help him later. I'm still dangling him and tonight I felt him slip a little. It hurts so much. I would never let anyone in my life slip. My friends and family know that. But I am not in control here. This sucks. God -- this sucks! The sick thing is I know that when he moves on I will do this all over again. lol... Sick or hilarious?! I know it will be better just for the fact I will know how it feels and that it could last awhile. I will be a bit more prepared right? The experience under my belt.

It's crazy late or crazy early. Erwin is wondering what the heck I'm doing down here.

Night!
:)Amy

I could never do that...

http://www.tredways.org/2013/01/31/i-could-never-do-that/

I could have written this word for word.  Instead, I'll take the easy way out and let you read what she has to say!

:)Amy

Priorities Please

When was the last time I said anything about how "Little Man" was doing without bringing up the drama which is aka "BioMom"? I think it's over due. I'm about to get my priorities straight for a bit.
Things are going to be changing in the next few weeks. That means "Little Man" is going to be going through stuff he has never had to deal with. Nor have I. Now that he is used to his schedules and knows whose keys are jingling at the front door, when he doesn't get to see BioMom like he is supposed to, it will be interesting to see how he handles it.

"Little Man" is doing amazing! As of this evening, he has 5 teeth! He can crawl and is steadily starting to cruise the furniture! I didn't remember how this stage actually keeps my living room cleaner since they pick up and grab onto everything in their sight. We can actually have people come in the house now. BUT... they can't go past the gate into the rest of the house. Just an FYI.

He is hilarious and he knows it. Loves to be involved in whatever is going on around him. If we are telling a funny story while he is playing, all of a sudden he laughs out loud. Most of the time it's a fake laugh which makes us laugh even harder. I just hope he doesn't understand what he is laughing at. (not always PG) Oh Boy!

Ethan has continued his hunt for things to make "Little Man" giggle. It's his favorite thing to hear. Everything Ethan does, "Little Man" laughs at. If he trips, if he gets in trouble and especially if he tries to "get him", there are hysterical baby laughs! Nothing compares to that!

He loves almost all FOODs! Not a fan of Green Beans or real Bananas. After a bite of either he shivers as if he instantly got the chills. lol... we all crack up! He tweaks his neck and shakes it off. Green Beans have permanently left the menu but we are still trying to hide the nana's in anything and everything. His favorite thing to do while I'm cooking or working in the kitchen is eating big chunks of fruit. The kid takes small bites, chews and swallows. It's so unreal. Sometimes he puts too much in his mouth but he grabs it out and starts again. Trying to grow up way too fast!

He has learned to clap his hands and some days he does it ALL day!! But he is so cute when he does. He still calms down or will totally stop what he is doing when I start to sing the ABC's in Spanish. English has no affect on him. Crazy! I do love it though. I wonder if he will always have the link with me through that song. That would be so cool!

:)Amy

She's Baaack!!

Not really, she is actually leaving. LOL.... It just didn't sound the same to say She's Leeeeaving!!  As of last week she is leaving the house the first week of September. Let me clarify a bit more. SHE says she is leaving the house after giving 2 weeks notice in August. Nope, don't understand either. I will for sure be asking what the heck that means at my next group. I had no clue you had to give notice to leave a place you were court ordered to be. But then again, I don't have many friends ordered by the courts to recover in a sober living home. If only...

Waiting for a call back from the county SW. As this has become the usual the last month.  Kathleen is having to work harder for us and "Little Man". Seems she is having to call the SW every week with some kind of clarification question. Last week it was verifying BioMom asking for extra visits on the weekend at the house. Not so fast chica!! Looks as if she thought we weren't paying attention. No passes from the house + No permission from the SW = No more house visits. She got an extra one at Erwin's expense a few weeks back. I don't think that move is going to help her out very much! This weeks question is where is BioMom going now??

Now if she only would have made it to the drs appt on time!!

:)Amy

Wednesdays

Sticks in a bundle cannot be broken.

Bondei Proverb

 

So there you go. Thank God I have my other Angel Mommies and Daddies! We are such a strong support for one another. I meet with a group of them every Wednesday! I truly look forward to this day! Even on days I'm mentally and physically exhausted. Somedays I want to hear how much worse their case is than mine. Horrible, I know. But come on! It makes me feel better about my situation with "Little Man". No one ever says that. Even I don't say it AT the group. But it's true! Hearing about other Angel's visits and schedules helps me feel normal. We talk about withdrawals from Meth and how screwed up our Angel Babies minds and days get after leaving BioMom's visit. And of course the all too often subject of "What the heck is that judge/social worker/attorney thinking?!?!"  That sentence gets said at least once every Wednesday!! Through it all, as a "bundle" we can't be broken! Angel's has wrapped us tightly with support that is unmatched. Now if only they could read our minds so we didn't have to call or email them. 

 

:)Amy

BioMom is not going to like this...

Time to check in with the County worker and my Angel's worker.  Quarterly, Angel's collects my notes, my receipts and medication logs. We also meet with the County worker to get a feel of where the case is headed for the next three months. This is where new details are thrown at us after thinking for the last few months that we know what is going to happen. HAHAHA - we don't know anything.

After the latest check-in meeting with the SW, BioMom got a surprise visit from her with "Little Man". I just dropped him off at the county office and picked him up a few hours later.  The SW needed to discuss some of the things BioMom was reporting from her Attorney's. (per my notes) You know, like "If the SW asks, don't tell her the fathers name. Just act like you don't know."  The SW was also going to put some pressure on BioMom to really get involved in doing more than what was expected by the judge. I knew Monday's visit was going to be tough. The things she was told by her SW are going to bring out some kind of emotion. Especially the one about moving "Little Man" to a concurrent home. I was a nervous wreck. I almost cancelled the visit. "What if she lashes out at me?" kept going through my head. What made it worse was the SW instructed her to call me and I didn't get any calls.  For sure she is holding it all in to give it to me on Monday!

I walked into the house and it was as if last Thursday didn’t happen. Like it was a normal run of the mill visit from the SW.  She didn’t seem phased at all. She said she was very nervous because the SW didn’t talk much, just watched and took notes. She did say she wanted her to call more. I asked if she had the privilege of as many phone calls as she wanted or if there was only a few allowed a day since she very rarely calls me to check on "Little Man".  Turns out she has as many as she has money to use the Pay Phone. She was so excited about the possibility of an overnight/unsupervised visit. Which by the way isn't even close to happening in the real world. It was as if that was the only thing she got from the visit.  A possibility.

I completely over thought this visit. I could of sworn she was going to have some kind of emotion or more interaction with "Little Man". Neither. Just when I think I understand how she works, I'm stumped.

:/ Amy

Note Taker - Hat #5

A yucky part of my job is to watch BioMom's every move while with "Little Man". After the visit I have to document anything that I feel was inappropriate or that may have a positive or negative impact on the case. I can only document actual things said or done.  No feelings, no assumptions, no thoughts. BioMom's visit notes are either super boring or full of stuff! Lately, she has been very talkative. She does know I take notes to be turned in. We occasionally talk about how the other women in the house are warning her about me, "the foster mom". Things are said like "she is going to take him from you." "You better not talk to her. She is probably saying bad things about you." It's all good. BioMom knows I am not like that. First of all, I don't take notes at the visits. I scrapbook on my laptop. Duh! Secondly, BioMom knows Erwin and I are not looking to take "Little Man" from her. We are not going to adopt. We want to help. I am on her side... for the most part.

Well, the last few visits BioMom has been telling me things that might have an impact on her case and I have to report them to the SW. I think this is one reason I haven't blogged in awhile. It seems to be so serious and I don't want to say something I shouldn't and give something away. (completely over thinking things) At just about every visit she mentions something about getting "unsupervised visits". Those are exactly what you think they are. For me, it's a horrific thought. "Overnight visits" are my nightmare. She wants to know when and how and when and how and when. Constantly comparing herself to a few others in the house who are getting these visits with their kids. What she forgets or doesn't understand is these other women have been in their case for years or at least more than 9 months. But BioMom won't stop asking. Forget about finishing her parenting classes or asking questions about the development of her son. Wait, I'm sorry. Every visit I hear, "Is he crawling?" Forget about asking how does a mom raise kids, work full time and have a life? These are things I would think she would be thinking. I sometimes forget she is not like me.

:l  Amy

Helloooo?!?!

Ummm…. Hi! I just took your son almost all the way across the United States and you have no clue if we even arrived at our destination!! Maybe you should call me to check!

We went on a long overdue vacation last week and took Little Man with us. We had to ask the judge and get permission from all 3 attorneys before we traveled with him.  All was good and the vacation was amazing except the fact that BioMom didn’t call me till day 7 of a 9 day trip. And that happened because I left a message with the SW on day 6. I’m sure she called BioMom which prompted the call. Whatever. I’ll see BioMom at her next visit and it will be interesting as always I’m sure. I’m just getting a bit nervous as things are going to change soon since we are getting further into the case. Little Man is turning 9 months this week. I’m scared of unsupervised visits. I don’t think she can handle it. I am scared of overnight visits. I’m scared she is going to get him back.  That will be the hardest thing of all for us. If I have to hand him over to her... Just the thought of it. Really I don’t know how we are going to do it. I can’t even see Erwin being there when we do it. We will have to trust the system. Hahaha! Ya right!

;)Amy

Survey says....

He is NOT the Baby-Daddy! I really didn’t think it was going to turn out this way. That only happens in the movies right?! My jaw dropped when the SW told me on the phone. Well, the initial message on my phone said that his visits are suspended till further notice and if he calls me to direct him to her. My heart was literally racing. When she did tell me that it came back negative I felt really bad. This young man, aka drug addict, took 8 months to decide if he was going to step forward and be a Dad. He came to 2 visits and was dedicating his life to being the father! He offered to buy me a new car seat at the last visit. Erwin smugly says, “We should have asked the SW to wait on giving the news till after he bought us a car seat!” (Horrible!) He brought 5 pairs of new shoes for Little Man. He was so proud of them. He told me he had bought him a 1^st birthday outfit with shiny black shoes. What could possibly be going through this guys mind right now? It just sucks for me to think about it. Poor guy.

Poor Baby Mama! Erwin doesn’t seem to think so. I feel bad because I am a Mom. She was 200% sure it was this guy.  She has been saying all along how Little Man “looks just like his Dad”. She compares the clothes he wears sometimes to what his Dad would wear. There is even a lady in the house who knew the “Dad” and she said Little Man looks just like him.  Maybe I’m dreaming and I just watched an episode of Maury Povich.  Aye… I was to see BioMom that same day in a few hours. I let her bring up the subject.  When I walked in the door her face was swollen, almost like she was in a fight. Which could totally have been a possibility. We sat down and she told me she heard from the SW that morning and got the news. Immediately she began to tear up. Against Erwin’s better judgment I sat next to her and hugged her tight.  I honestly cannot imagine what she is feeling.  Just days ago she was very anxious about having to share Little Man with this guy and now he is not even in the picture.  I tried hard to get her to realize that all will be okay. Little did I know, things would be getting even crazier!

Something I stumbled upon...

http://vimeo.com/m/59547024

I hope this video comes through for you. It's called "Palms" by Deep Williams. If not maybe you can search it out and watch. Just stuff that makes you think and then feel good in the end. ;)

"Palms" is the story of a foster child in search of a forever family who is holding his heart in the palm of their hands. Winner of the 2013 International Family Film Festival - short drama category, Palms has been shown to various organizations, churches, and families to bring awareness to the plight of children and their experiences in foster care and adoption. Music selections were generously donated by various musical artists such as Moby, David Helping, John Torres, and Bela Fleck. The story is a personal reflection of the filmmaker and his wife who adopted a little boy through DCFS (Department of Children and Family Services) in Los Angeles, CA . It was through their personal experiences that brought this small film to light. The film stars Nathaniel Potvin from "Twist of Faith", Zondra Wilson, Regina Bryant, Jason Woods, and Steve Ward. Palms was written, produced, and directed by award winning filmmaker Deep Williams.

Im drained!!

It's the 2nd visit I have had with BioDad. Well, as he put it on a voicemail to me, "the alleged father of "Little Man"." lol... It's  horrible for me to laugh but I was listening to a drug addicted transient with a felony bench warrant who after 8 months finally decided to see if he was the father. Not exactly someone I imagined having the best vocabulary. Now, it is awkward. After the first visit with my Angel worker by my side, I was in the visit by myself at the CPS office. I actually think I am taller than him and we keep the room door open so I am not concerned. (As if height will protect me) I can't put my finger on it. But when I left the 2nd time, I just felt emotionally drained. There isn't a lot of conversation. I try to keep busy on the laptop while he is playing with "Little Man". BioDad (alleged) does very well with him. 10x better than BioMom did in the first few visits. I didn't have to teach him how to hold the baby or change his diaper. Bonus! I can only think that it's because it's a dude. I don't have much in common with a dude. Let alone a drug addict dude. At least with BioMom I could relate to the "girl" factor. Or even the "learning how to be a Mom" factor. With BioDad, the only relateable piece is I have a younger brother. Not a drug-addict-Baby-Daddy-felony-bench-warrant-brother. Just a brother.  We have some of Erwin's boy students who we are very close with. But I am telling you it's not the same.  I really feel like I have to work at being comfortable. I don't get it. I am seriously thinking about having Erwin do the visit next week. He hasn't done any visits with BioMom (I don't want him to scare her...lol...why the heck am I protective of her?!) We shall see. Oooo what a blog that would be!!

For now, I'm just super glad it's summer vacation for the kids and for Erwin. He is there when I get home and his arms are open for the hand-off. I give him a diaper, feeding and nap report and then I'm up the stairs to re-charge! Thank GOD!!

:)Amy

p.s. Happy 4th of July!

Really?

Can you imagine an entire "Sober-living" house being on restriction? I immediately say to myself, "Are you serious? Not one of those women spoke up to say "maybe this isn't a good idea...". I mean come on." What did they do? I have no idea. BioMom must be in the counseling session about not sharing much with the foster mom because she is not giving up much these days. Or she heard from the investigator that I didn't think she can handle "Little Man" by herself. Either way, she does let me know the whole house is on restriction because they can't wait to watch TV this weekend. I get that. A little while later, she then lets me know she can't leave the house because of her own personal restriction. Seriously?? I have this bad feeling I know who the ring leader of the house restriction was.

BioMom had left a voicemail for me one day. She was calling to check in on "Little Man".  Most likely because I told the investigator she hasn't ever called to check in. She can call me as much as she wants. Or more like, as much as she is allowed to use the phone. Back to the voicemail... I decided one afternoon to let "Little Man" listen to the voicemail to see if he would recognize his Mommy. Sure enough he looks away from the phone and at my face then back at the phone. He knew. Kind of cute. The next visit I had with BioMom I pulled out the phone while she was holding "Little Man". I played the voicemail on speaker and he immediately turned his head to his Mommy. I mean not even 4 seconds went by and he knew who he was listening to and who was holding him. BioMom looked at me with the happiest surprised eyes. It was a nice Mom-Moment. Those don't come very often for her.

:)Amy

Funnier?

I need to be funnier, more amusing, use more whitty insights... I get it. I realize I have been writing at the late hours of the day when I just need to get a post entered. Or I am typing as fast as I can before "Little Man" wakes up. Gotta update! Gotta update!  As I reflect I think there is less funny going on with this journey. With our "Baby Girl" we had no idea what we were headed into everyday as new foster parents. But it was easy cheesy with no bio-parents. This case... not so much. Easy-Cheesy never enters my mind as a descriptor. Let me just give you a quick run-down of events for the recent past...

May 26th: Bio-Mom has 1st public visit with her adoptive Mom at Plaza Bonita.
May 26th: Agreement made to wait for call from BioMom during the week to schedule next weekend visit. She has been allowed 1hr every weekend on top of Mondays 2hr visit.
May 31st: No calls for visit. (No way she is going to miss the 2nd visit)
June 2nd: Call from BioMom: "Amy where are you?" Me:"At home, Why? What's up?" Yep she missed the 2nd visit! She "...thought..." wrong.
June 3rd: BioMom visit - she also missed her 2nd court ordered parenting class. Bus was late... totally understandable! Solid visit scheduled for every Sunday. No misunderstandings now.
June 5th: Voicemail rcvd from BioMom: All weekend visits are now cancelled. Mondays are still the same. What the?? SW didnt know anything about it.
hmmm....
June 11th: 6mo court date where BioMom is granted 6 more months of services to learn how to be a sober mom. Also, BioDad shows up!! Yep, you read right! He has arrived! Oh ya - this is after the fact I was told that BioMom cannot have anythng to do with him since he has a felony bench warrant. But forget about that. Not important anymore. BioDad will get one supervised 1hr visit a week till we confirm paternity.
June 13th: Visit with BioMom since we had to reschedule for my family event on Monday. Big change ... She will now get 2- 1hr visits each week. She felt she wasn't bonding with baby. Needs to see more of him.
The count is now   BioMom - 2x a week   BioDad - 1x a week  Foster Mama - 3x a week to see young, unexperienced, hopefully sober bioparents.
June 17th: Visit with BioMom & then DNA testing for "Little Man" - Is BioMom telling the truth?
June 20th: Visit with BioMom in half-way house then off to CPS for a visit with BioDad.

Now since May 26th (and further back then that) my 7mo old "Little Man" has slept through the night 1 stinkin' time! Tired doesn't even begin to describe how I feel daily. Today I have in one hand a paper bag with a Jamba Juice Apple Pretzel in it. Balancing on my knee I have a cup of water. In my lap I have a sleeping 24lb baby boy! I wanted another chunk of pretzel so I stuck my hand in the cup of water.
Nice!!

Till next time...
:)Amy

Respite... No Thanks

RESPITE (n)

1: a period of temporary delay

2: an interval of rest or relief

 

I always defined "respite" in a medical sense. If someone was very ill and needed to stay home with respite care. Something like that. (if I apply the definition I have just found, I made no sense for years) In the Foster Parenting world, it is commonly used for assistance with foster kids. For example, if you have plans for a trip and the courts won't allow you to take your child along, your child is put into a respite home until you return. Or it can be a home that takes care of a foster child just for a night or a weekend to give the parents a break. These homes are licensed and ready to support foster families.  It seems to me that respite is put out there almost as a requirement or automatic part of the responsibility foster parents take on. It was talked about in our training. There have been many articles written on the subject too. Makes us feel weird.

 

I understand that sometimes foster families may have no other choice because of the courts to use a respite home. Makes sense. It's a rule. But as for "a break" or a "date night"?  Erwin and I are foster parents by title but will always be parents at heart.  As we parent our own children, we rarely take breaks or use date nights. Sometimes they are offered by family or friends. And sometimes we accept. We know these families and make sure we only do it when there is no other choice. Basically we feel like we have chosen to be parents not as a job for our biological children or our foster children, but as a life choice. We don't think we should take breaks from our life. Yes, sometimes we feel we need it because we are tired or overwhelmed. We are humans with limits like everyone else. But we don't call people and ask them to take our children so we can have a break. We simply take a break with our kids. A change in the daily routine. Not temporarily eliminating one of the sources of our fatigue. If you think about it, the kids probably need a break too. This doesn't change because we have our Angel Baby. Our kids aren't going to be in our homes forever. Well, they better not be. And for sure our Angel Babies won't be in our homes for long either. We will take our "respite" when they leave. We will have plenty of time there to refresh, relax, recharge and go on date nights.

 

I always re-read what I am writing as I am writing it to make sure it's all flowing nicely without ranting. This post seems as if I am building myself up on this pedestal. I promise that is not where I am coming from. We are not anything special. I am not trying to prove our invincibility. I also know some families need respite. They use it and love it. They couldn't be the awesome parents they are without it. That is totally OK. Obviously it's there to help, not to hinder. I just simply want to state that it's just not for us.  We will continue to do our job, loving and caring for "our kids" no matter the length of the day or the weight of the world on our shoulders.  It's just who we are. I wonder if that is a good or bad thing? I may need to post again on the topic... Opinions?

 

:)Amy

Don't you know who I am?

I had a few crazy experiences when visiting bio-mom in juvenile hall. Go figure! One that always comes to mind that directly included me was when a substitute Social Worker came in to supervise. In the beginning she walked into the waiting room with Barry, who I had met before. She didn't introduce herself, just stood in front of me. I introduced myself since it was really awkward. I overheard that she was going to go in with me and not Barry. Immediately after her introduction she says, "Why are we meeting here?"  She had this look of disdain and disgust of our meeting location. I was flabbergasted but confused. And maybe entertained a bit. I looked at Barry assuming she had read about the case or spoke about it on the ride over. Barry told her, "Bio-Mom is incarcerated here." She responded with the expected, "Oooooh." Who is this lady!?!

Little did I know she was not done. She followed me inside the room and sat directly behind me in a room with at least 15 other chairs. (Okay?!) About 15 minutes in, Bio-Mom asked me about how he is doing with sitting upright and how strong he is getting. I told her how at 4 1/2 months I can carry him on my hip. (My hand is on his back of course.) But this boy is strong! Before I even finished my sentence the Sub looked directly at Bio-Mom and said, "You really shouldn't do that till the baby is at least 6 months." I reassured her that this little boy has blown the normal milestones out of the water and is very strong. She looked at me, turned back to Bio-Mom and said, "Still, you shouldn't do that." I turned my back to her and was blown away. Who did she think she was? Did she know who I was? So, I asked her! "Did Barry tell you who I am? I'm "Little Man's" Foster Mom. You know I have had him since birth?" (I wanted to say I AM HIS MOM!) She had known. Ok... then why the heck are you telling his bio-mom that what I am telling her is wrong and basically I have no clue what I am talking about?! I had no one there who I really knew since we also had a sub-parole officer. I was ready to pop.

Funny small world... the same lady showed up to the halfway house as a SW for another housemate. Luckily, I was not there. It would have driven me crazy. lol...

Ok...I feel better now.

:)Amy

Is it "Good-Bye Day" for us already?

Right before Bio-Mom went into her current half-way house the powers that be were trying to decide where she was going to be spending her judge ordered recovery time. There were options in La Mesa, North County and somewhere else in San Diego.  Not much of the discussion was had in front of me. Remember I don't get a vote. When she is in a facility I will need to drive "Little Man" once or twice a week for his visit. Same would go for North County, even if it's an hour away. Or so I thought. I immediately called my Angel's worker and was very worried that I would have to do that. No way could I handle that drive with my other kids busy lives too. But I don't want to say I can't because maybe they will take him from us. Word is County may transfer his case if North County is the plausible option for Bio-Mom. He would get a North County SW and a North County Foster Family.

There was only 2 weeks till she got out of Juvenile Hall - I was freakin' out. We were not done playing with him, watching him grow and lovin' on him. I was glued to my phone at all times. Dreading any calls from any one of importance.

It got down to 3 days before she got out and I still had heard nothing. It was killing me. I know we never really know when he is going to go but he's not supposed to go to another home unless the case is leading to adoption. Ughhh... the waiting game is the hardest part I swear.

A day after she was to be released I got a call and they are NOT moving her to North County. The facility was full with a waiting list. Phew!! We dodged that one.

Fast Forward to visit #2 with Bio-Mom in her current location. We were having our normal talk about the baby and things she felt I needed to know about her scattered past like her biological Dad's house being raided for drugs 3 days after she stopped staying there at 8 months pregnant. She brought up the other facilities and I felt I needed to let her know how I was selfishly glad she didn't go to North County where she had wanted to be. She didn't know that if she was placed there, her son would most  likely have been taken from me and put into another home. She was very surprised and said,"Well, did you tell them you didn't want that?" I reminded her that I have no control over what happens with "Little Man". I have no say in the matter. I am just his caregiver. She actually made me feel good -- not sure how many times I'll be able to say that during our Angel journeys. She told me she would have been so upset!! It looks and feels like we are on the same team...for now.

;)Amy

Our Angel's Theme Song

I am crazy about music. I have been for as long as I can remember. My entire family is. My brother, sister and I have this insane ability to remember song lyrics only after a few listens. We would have killed it on Name That Tune! Anyway, music has helped me through some of the worst times of my life. I will get the biggest goosebumps and start crying when I hear Lee Greenwood sing "Proud To Be An American".  It was playing a ton after 9-11 and during my long commute I had lots of time to think about those lyrics. Some songs I can't listen to because it reminds me of stuff I don't want to be think about, like an exes and my favorite song. It's corny and I'm not missing out.  Others are so hilarious I have to call my sisters cell and put the phone to the speaker so she can hear the song playing on the radio at that very moment! Then I hang up. "Baby Got Back!" We don't even need to speak. We know who it is once we hear the music playing.

I think "Glad You Came" started playing on the car radio the night we picked up "Baby Girl". The words clicked and it was as if they were singing about what was about to happen.  (side note: The "drink" needs to be thought of as a bottle of milk.)

"Glad You Came" - The Wanted

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came

You cast a spell on me,
You hit me like the sky fell on me,
And I decided you look well on me,
So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me

Turn the lights out now
Now I'll take you by the hand
Hand you another drink
Drink it if you can
Can you spend a little time,
Time is slipping away,
Away from us so stay,
Stay with me I can make,
Make you glad you came

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
I'm glad you came

 

Can you hear it now? It's crazy I tell you. I swear this song was for Foster Parents. Probably not, but it makes me feel better. The biggest piece that hits home for me is "All that counts is here and now" because that is all we can think about. I can't think about tomorrow since I have no idea where our Angel babies and us will be. For now, we are so glad they came to us and we know our universe will never be the same.

 

Nite Nite!

:)Amy

One on One

It's been a while. I already have about 5 visits under my belt. Going back to the day before the first one, I was a nervous wreck. This was going to be the first visit with just her and I. No social workers, no parole officers, no one but my baby's bio-mom and me. I asked Erwin to to drive me to the location the day before so I knew where I was going. All I needed was to be lost on the first day in a neighborhood where I DO NOT belong.

Bio-Mom has been ordered to a half-way house (no clue if that's the correct title) where she will undergo recovery and training how to be a Mom. That is probably not what the brochure says specifically but it's the little bit of understanding that I have.  For the first portion she is not allowed to leave the location so I will be taking "Little Man" to visit her once  a week.

I didn't know what to expect and was met at the door by her counselor and supervisor of the program Jackie. Without describing it too much as to not give away it's location, it was like walking into a rundown apartment building. Inside I was welcomed by Bio-Mom with a huge smile on her face! She looked great! Honestly! No green prison clothes or rubber slippers. Her hair was down, not in a bun like it had been for the past 4 months. She was grinning ear to ear and so excited to see "Little Man". It has been 2 weeks and she was ready to love on him asap!

Returning to today, we sit in a living room each week. Pretty big and comfy. One wall lined with books and another with frosted windows you can't see in or out of. I sit on the couch and she usually sits on the floor with the baby. Here she can change him and feed him and play with him. I have 2 hours to watch her try to figure out what she is supposed to do with her son. It's very odd. There isn't anyone else in the room to fill up dead airspace. You can hear the ladies in the other room reading their journal entries to the support groups. Words like sober, pain, can't and help are repeated over and over again. My reality is not what it used to be. That is for sure.

To be continued....

I can't do the visit

There is a first time for everything but I did not have this one as a possibility.  I woke up with a huge migraine headache. It was a visit day and I always take "Little Man" to see his Mommy. Problem is, this migraine was the one I get about once a month and it lasts 3 days. The kind you can't even open your eyes or else you will vomit right where you stand.  There was no way I could drive. I called my Angel's worker and it was a simple "...call the social worker and let her know she will have to do the visit for you and provide transportation." Easy Cheesy right?! I stayed in my pajamas all day and waited for the transportation worker to pick up "Little Man". 15 minutes till their expected arrival my stomach started to turn. I began to think about what was really going on. Some stranger is going to take my baby and won't be back for hours!! Ummm... OK. Praying was the only immediate solution I could muster strength for. I can only hope the Big Guy will watch over "Little Man" for me and bring him back safe and sound. So, his worker shows up with an assistant for help with the transport. A young guy, very nice. OK, they are gone. The door shuts and I am relieved to be able to sleep with no worries of the baby waking but on the other hand...where is my baby??

A few hours later, I wake up and Erwin is home with "Little Man" in his arms. The transport and visit went smoothly. The workers even had a chance to sit down with Erwin and share some details about the case. Funny thing though, right when Erwin opened the door upon their return, he couldn't help but recognize the assistant social worker. It happened to be one of his students from a few years back. Andy said the car in the driveway looked familiar but dismissed it thinking it just couldn't be Mr. Mac. The two caught up a bit and laughed at this crazy reunion. Later, Erwin told me how impressed he was at the man this once unruly student had become.  Our "Little Man" was in safe, caring hands. The Big Guy took care of things after all.

Good Night!
:) Amy

The check is in the mail

Money is always a question that comes up when people find out we are foster parents. "Do you have to pay for all of his stuff?"  "How much money do you make?"  "You get paid right?"
I don't get offended by these questions. I am actually amused. They usually come from people who don't understand why we are taking care of other people's babies to begin with. And then add the fact that we don't get paid for it... Phew, that really throws them. Bottom line is this. It's not a secret that I have always wanted more kids. People know that I adore being a Mom! A lot of people know that I am obsessed with helping everyone. Helping with the good days and the bad days. I just enjoy serving others. Well, there it is.  I am able to be a Mom and help other families at the same time. Money has never been a part of any of this equation. It still isn't today.

My answer to the questions is always the same. "We don't get paid to Foster. We do get a stipend from the County to reimburse us for the costs of raising the child. It covers the diapers, the clothes, the extra food, the gas for all the visits and Dr's appts, etc. "Little Man" is covered through MediCal and he is signed up for WIC which takes care of his formula and most of his food. So, no we don't have extra money in our pockets. We just have extra love in our heart and home." All of this comes through with the same smile on my face. It's honestly a measly detail for us. Well, most of the time.

"Little Man" came to us October 26th of last year. That would be 4 weeks before Thanksgiving, 5 weeks before Abby's birthday and 8 weeks before Christmas. Needless to say, expenses were flowing. The check doesn't come right when you get a child. Not only were we given 6 hours notice that there was a 2-day old ready for us to pick up from the hospital but he was coming to us with a onesie and a blanket from the hospital. It got kind of crazy scrambling for hand me downs, diapers and many other little things. Angel's always brings an amazing goody bag with lots of donated items. Clothes, formula, diapers, etc. It lasts for about 2 weeks. The county takes so long!! We didn't receive any compensation till the 2nd week of December. I can't tell you how exciting it was to find that check in the mailbox. Oh baby! We could breathe and our holidays could commence.

"Why do you put yourself through that?" I respond the only way I know how,"Who else is going to?" In February, Angel's had to turn away 3 babies that needed homes. For us, it's not an option not to.  There are so many more ups than there are downs. It's just worth it, every step of the way.

Good Night!
:)Amy

Exactly how we feel!!

Have you seen the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green? Jennifer Garner stars in it. We watched it as a family one night. Not many movies allow us to do that these days. AMAZING! Obviously not real but the message hit our home and hearts strongly!

"If  you came to me and said there are two people in the world who want you more than anything,  they’ll do their best, they’ll make some mistakes, and you’ll only get them for a short time, but they will love you more than you can imagine…well when that’s true I’d say so much is possible.
-Timothy Green

This is what we do. This is how my family feels. Instead of "two people" we are four people. This is true of my family and my home. I haven't cried this hard at a movie in a very long time. It is partially my doing. I live, learn and act with all my heart. I can't even say it's on my sleeve since I think it's way to big for that. The rest of the responsibility for my overflowing cup I give to Angel's. They have made this statement above 100% true. So much is possible when Angel's is on your side. Like I have said before, I feel like I can rule the world with Angel's. For now, we are starting with a few beautiful newborn babies in San Diego.

Night!
:)Amy

First Visit Ever

"I'm going to jail tomorrow" for some reason flowed right out of my mouth when I was asked of my plans for Wednesday. lol... Not sure why... Probably because I have never ever stepped foot in any sort of jail or prison facility nor have a I ever come close to doing so.  Though, it was the truth and it stopped every person in their tracks when it was first heard. Those who knew me very well would be waiting for a punchline to the joke. Those who just knew me needed an explanation of some sort because they were really confused and shocked.

"Little Man" and I had to meet his social worker Kim at the Juvenile Hall facility at 2pm where we would visit with Bio-Mom and a few other adults for about an hour. I was nervous but I was also sooo ready.  I haven't done any visits for the last two Angel Babies and I felt this was a big part of what we were trained for. I'm packed and I'm ready and I go and then wow! Reality SMACK in the face! There was Kim in the waiting room and another older lady. 60's or 70's. Before I could say hi to Kim, the lady asked if my baby was "Little Man"?  I said yes and asked her who she was? It was Bio-Grandma. (a piece of the puzzle) She was also going to be in on the visit. We were escorted inside another room and waited for the door to close behind us. Then escorted into another room  where we would find the conference room.  I'll be honest, I thought I was going to see some cells or rooms in the distance but it's not like that.  It's like a corporate office.  Kim knocked on the door and entered to find a huge table, tons of chairs and an officer sitting in the corner very stern looking on a computer. She was obviously very busy and we weren't to interrupt.  I was so glad that I had spoken to Bio-Mom's supervising officer on site prior to my visit. She is super nice and I felt very comfortable with her. She walked in with Bio-Mom. Bio-Mom looked exactly like she did when I saw her in the hospital minus the withdrawal symptoms and the tears. And instead of a hospital gown she was wearing a green t-shirt and blue pants that were both way to big for her and a pair of flip flops with socks. We exchanged hello's and I handed her "Little Man". The rest was me answering questions from the officer, the psychologist and Bio-Grandma. At least that was all that was happening while I watched a teenage prisoner hold, change and feed my baby. 

"Little Man" and I left after the hour. Bio-Mom and I still on good terms. I asked Kim how I did. Did I say too much? Did I help too much? Should I have let her struggle with his clothes while trying to change his wiggly pudgy body? I did everything right in her eyes. So all was good. Only feeling I had and wasn't sure how to handle was me wanting to give him a bath right when we got home. It's a horrible thought. I wanted to wash off her kisses and touches from my baby boy.  His Daddy and I are the only ones who are allowed to nuzzle in those cheeks and suck on those fingers. (she didn't do that but ya know what I mean) Needless to say, there was no bath, some wipes, but no bath and I held him for the rest of the day!

:)Amy