"Grief makes one hour ten" ~Shakespeare
Lately no truer words have been spoken. BioMom has been taking me on a wild ride these past few weeks. I am really in disbelief that she is starting to self-destruct so close to the final trial and getting her son back. Other Foster Mommas told me that it happens but I didn't think it would happen to me. (How cliché!) In my case I go from feeling strong and in control to angry and shaky. Then I end up emotionally and physically drained. I feel like I have lost all control and focus. That is where my grief shows it's face. After going to my Super Amazing Foster Mommas to vent and get some perspective, I realize it's only been 45 minutes since I got on this ride. How do you get drained in 45 minutes without physically doing anything? Some days the grief wins and I pray Erwin will be home soon and that the big kids are in good moods so I can sneak away for a nap.
I have a friend who reminded me of the THINK process. It's an acronym that goes like this...
"Is this thought or this way of thinking..."
TRUE? HELPFUL? INSPIRATIONAL to my goals? NECESSARY? KIND?
Basically my friend said, if you have a bunch of "no's" then find another way to think. Challenge the thought process until you can say "yes" x5. This process is necessary to those involved on this journey. If you don't have some way of knocking the frustrating and grief breeding thoughts, you'll never make it. For me, this is going to be really helpful. That's my wishful thinking of course.
Shakespeare and my friend and the random author are smart peoples. As I have gotten older time flies. I sure don't have time to be bummed for ten hours, even if they really only equal one.
Nite!
Amy
Saturday, January 25, 2014
Friday, January 24, 2014
The New Year = New Questions or the Same Ol' Schtuff
A blog, www.momoffmeth.com , I love to follow for many different reasons, some more obvious than others, told me she heard someone say that "some years are full of questions, and some years are full of answers." For her she said, "This year was full of accepting that I don't always have the answers to the questions, and having the ability to live with that, is where it's at." DING DING DING!! That's it. That is what I want my year to be about. I want to learn to accept not having all the answers. Being a Foster Momma has definitely put me in that reality. With a big LEGALLY in front of not being able to know any most of the answers. MomOffMeth had a list of questions... these were some that stuck out to me...
Why is it we stay in touch with certain people, and let others go, even when there isn't a clear reason?
Why do we have to work so hard to let go of stuff that is bad for us?
Why do I constantly compare my life, including my joys and pains, to other people's?
Why don't we always see people the way they should be seen?
Why is it so hard to accept our choices and let the "what if's" go to hell?
Why are some days so perfect, but still feel icky?
Why am I forever tired but can't seem to check anything off my To-Do List?
I have lots of waiting and thinking time being a Foster Momma. Especially with all the driving for visits I have had to do over the last 14 months. (technically 13 months) Trying to find the answers myself doesn't always work out. Sometimes it just adds more questions. I hate it when that happens. Now what do I do with this epiphany? See?? Another freakin' question!
Why is it we stay in touch with certain people, and let others go, even when there isn't a clear reason?
Why do we have to work so hard to let go of stuff that is bad for us?
Why do I constantly compare my life, including my joys and pains, to other people's?
Why don't we always see people the way they should be seen?
Why don't people always see us the way we really are?
Why is it so hard to let go of the past, even when we know it is only now that counts?
Why is it so hard to decide what to wear each day?
Why is being a parent so hard?
Why is it so hard to let go of the past, even when we know it is only now that counts?
Why is it so hard to decide what to wear each day?
Why is being a parent so hard?
Why can't we fix people?
Why is it so hard to accept our choices and let the "what if's" go to hell?
Why are some days so perfect, but still feel icky?
Why am I forever tired but can't seem to check anything off my To-Do List?
I have lots of waiting and thinking time being a Foster Momma. Especially with all the driving for visits I have had to do over the last 14 months. (technically 13 months) Trying to find the answers myself doesn't always work out. Sometimes it just adds more questions. I hate it when that happens. Now what do I do with this epiphany? See?? Another freakin' question!
:)
Monday, January 20, 2014
She's Late again...
In the last blog I wrote how one of my responsibilities is taking my "Little Man" to see his biological mother whenever I am told to. Two days a week I meet her at the county office. This is good for a couple of reasons. First, it's nice to have documentation that we were both there when we sign in with the security guard. Secondly, the security guard is now my friend. He has seen some of the drama unfold with BioMom on these visit pick-ups and drop-offs. Plus, he has seen a whole lot more of bioparents and foster parents coming in and out for the office. Finally, I feel safe here. It's a county office. Even though BioMom has never tried any funny business with me or the baby... wait. First it was visits in jail, then in a narcotics recovery center. Two places where there can't be any funny business or the you know what hits the fan. Duh she hasn't tried anything. Somehow I always feels like she's due.
The other visit of the week I take "Little Man" to her home in a transitional living space. I don't even get out of the car. Except when I witness a lady run a red light and plow into a truck. That's another day on Oprah. There really have never been big crazy things that happen with this case. The time it is taking for the county to make up it's mind on BioMom's competency is insane for sure. But there is a smaller issue that has been rearing its ugly head a lot lately. And I am DONE with it. It's super annoying. This is your son you are trying to get back and supposedly dying to see. Be there in time for goodness sake. Last week she came out at 14 minutes. That would be 14 minutes of me waiting for her in the car. Rule: I can leave after waiting anywhere for her for 15 minutes. For real lady? 14 minutes?? In my head, next time I am leaving at 13! You know me, the one who breaks all the rules?! Before this and after this she has been 5 minutes here and 7 minutes there. And oh there was 25 minutes once. Had to wait because she called to let me know she would be late. As of Friday, I couldn't understand why everyone else wasn't up in arms. Today, a different thought has been racing through my head. It all boils down to this. My story: She is late all the time -- What a horrible Mom right?! My other story: There have been times where I have been late every single day of the week for school drop off. It's even lasted for several weeks minus a few good days in between. So... this makes me a horrible Mom right?! Difference is no one threatened to take my kids away or even berate me for my lack of time management.
Why am I wanting the worst for BioMom? I think it's all I have to hold on to. We are closer than we have ever been to "Little Man" going back to his Mom. I guess my anger is one of the last straws I am grasping for. This week I will focus on letting it go. I have relayed my anger and annoyance of her disrespect for my time to my Social Worker and she has let her worker know. There is nothing else I can do. Well, except leave at 13minutes of lateness. As if that is going to make a difference. I shall see. I'm sure she will give me the opportunity to test out my theory at least once this week.
Night!
:)Amy
The other visit of the week I take "Little Man" to her home in a transitional living space. I don't even get out of the car. Except when I witness a lady run a red light and plow into a truck. That's another day on Oprah. There really have never been big crazy things that happen with this case. The time it is taking for the county to make up it's mind on BioMom's competency is insane for sure. But there is a smaller issue that has been rearing its ugly head a lot lately. And I am DONE with it. It's super annoying. This is your son you are trying to get back and supposedly dying to see. Be there in time for goodness sake. Last week she came out at 14 minutes. That would be 14 minutes of me waiting for her in the car. Rule: I can leave after waiting anywhere for her for 15 minutes. For real lady? 14 minutes?? In my head, next time I am leaving at 13! You know me, the one who breaks all the rules?! Before this and after this she has been 5 minutes here and 7 minutes there. And oh there was 25 minutes once. Had to wait because she called to let me know she would be late. As of Friday, I couldn't understand why everyone else wasn't up in arms. Today, a different thought has been racing through my head. It all boils down to this. My story: She is late all the time -- What a horrible Mom right?! My other story: There have been times where I have been late every single day of the week for school drop off. It's even lasted for several weeks minus a few good days in between. So... this makes me a horrible Mom right?! Difference is no one threatened to take my kids away or even berate me for my lack of time management.
Why am I wanting the worst for BioMom? I think it's all I have to hold on to. We are closer than we have ever been to "Little Man" going back to his Mom. I guess my anger is one of the last straws I am grasping for. This week I will focus on letting it go. I have relayed my anger and annoyance of her disrespect for my time to my Social Worker and she has let her worker know. There is nothing else I can do. Well, except leave at 13minutes of lateness. As if that is going to make a difference. I shall see. I'm sure she will give me the opportunity to test out my theory at least once this week.
Night!
:)Amy
Wednesday, January 15, 2014
How can this be?
Caring about how the mother is going to be a good mother doesn't matter. Deep down I know she can't do it. The county has a different idea. All that matters to them is that she can keep him safe and healthy. It's called "Minimum Proficiency". Can she call 911 when necessary? Can she call the Dr. when she needs to? Does she know when and how to change his diaper? Those are the things they check on. I guess if you can do that high then you are good to go. Ok, well that wasn't fair I know.
I have again come to the point where I need to back away and be reminded of what I am supposed to be doing here. I am a Foster Mom who has a responsibility of caring for and loving on a bee-utiful baby boy. Part of that is taking him to see his biological Mom when I am told to. Complete lots of fabulous paperwork and that's it. Nothing else. At the end of my job I am to give this boy to whomever I am told to. It will be harder than anything I have had to do. The pain in my heart will be debilitating for sure. My support system is in place and will be waiting to hold up my family and I. Till then, I will be the best MOM I can be to my 3 kids. Now this I know I can do!
:)Amy
I have again come to the point where I need to back away and be reminded of what I am supposed to be doing here. I am a Foster Mom who has a responsibility of caring for and loving on a bee-utiful baby boy. Part of that is taking him to see his biological Mom when I am told to. Complete lots of fabulous paperwork and that's it. Nothing else. At the end of my job I am to give this boy to whomever I am told to. It will be harder than anything I have had to do. The pain in my heart will be debilitating for sure. My support system is in place and will be waiting to hold up my family and I. Till then, I will be the best MOM I can be to my 3 kids. Now this I know I can do!
:)Amy
Tuesday, January 7, 2014
Selfish I Am
The days "Little Man" comes home from a 6hr visit with his BioMom are truly the days from H-E-double hockey sticks. He won't let me leave the room without crying. He is exhausted so he stumbles around and falls more frequently than a normal 1yr old learning to walk. If a toy falls from his hands or when he does fall, he stays right where he is and throws a crying fit. Saying "No" is definitely going to bring on a hand-slamming, screaming fit. He eventually will take at least a 3hr nap and stay up late. These days are very similar to Sunday evenings. The night used to be the night before his first visit of the week. When it was time to go to bed he would fight to no end to not fall asleep. When he would finally give in to his heavy eyelids, he would no doubt wake up screaming at least 3 times during the night. Tonight was no different. Fortunately for "little Man" his visits have changed and he will be free of BioMom tomorrow. Unfortunately for "Little Man" he will now have 3 - 6hr visits each week. Oh boy this is going to get ugly.
As I typed the piece about what happens after "Little Man's" visit I stopped to think a minute. We always have thought this happens because he was with his BioMom who doesn't know the best ways to care for him. And he is just trying to let us know he has had a rough time without us, his family. How do we truly know this? It could be the other way around. He could be crying and fighting it all because I keep bringing him back to HIS MOM and then taking him away. Time and time again. Maybe we are being selfish saying he misses us. Maybe he really is missing his Mom. They always say a child knows the connection to family.
Ughh... I am probably just fishing for some other reason to make it easier for me to drop him off for these crazy long visits, which happens to not be long enough for BioMom to really understand the work and energy that goes into caring for a 1yr old. Especially when she has friends to come over and help her. You know, friends that are older and have lived on their own before and not to mention, waiting for their own child to be released from the courts. What's better? Friends to help or be all alone? I just don't know.
;)Amy
As I typed the piece about what happens after "Little Man's" visit I stopped to think a minute. We always have thought this happens because he was with his BioMom who doesn't know the best ways to care for him. And he is just trying to let us know he has had a rough time without us, his family. How do we truly know this? It could be the other way around. He could be crying and fighting it all because I keep bringing him back to HIS MOM and then taking him away. Time and time again. Maybe we are being selfish saying he misses us. Maybe he really is missing his Mom. They always say a child knows the connection to family.
Ughh... I am probably just fishing for some other reason to make it easier for me to drop him off for these crazy long visits, which happens to not be long enough for BioMom to really understand the work and energy that goes into caring for a 1yr old. Especially when she has friends to come over and help her. You know, friends that are older and have lived on their own before and not to mention, waiting for their own child to be released from the courts. What's better? Friends to help or be all alone? I just don't know.
;)Amy
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