Goodbye Day - Part 1

The kids said their big goodbyes the night before. Before bedtime. Hard to watch but I think I was still a little disconnected from the reality of it all. Erwin went to work in the morning and decided to leave early to help me and then take the next day off to support me, grieve with me, whatever ya want to call it. I still don’t know. We walked out the front door to start what looked like our normal day. Not 10 seconds later we were reminded this is not a normal day.  “Little Man” refused to get in the car. Huh? He loved getting the car, most of the time. If he refused, Abby could get him in or a toy/blankie bribe would always get him in. Nope, he was screaming and would not sit in the seat. He knew just as well as we did, something different was happening today.  I had to take him out and walk around the yard for about 1 minute to calm him down. I promised him McD’s pancakes and he was good.  Abby already started crying before the car was on. By the time we got to drop off circle at school, she was in a full blown ugly-cry meltdown.  She kissed him and I went against all the stay-at-mom rules and got out of the car in my xmas pajama pants, shirt with no bra, teeth not brushed, hair in a bun attire and just about carried her to the office.  I walked in passing everyone in line that was late and handed her off to my friend the attendance lady. Abby melted in her arms crying on her shoulder. I was crying by now and the rest of the office staff knew what was happening today without a word from me. The secretary mouthed to me that she would be watching her all day and checking in.  Thank God for bringing these amazing women into my life. They are my friends and I know my sweet girl will be ok. The rest of the morning was normal.  Ethan said goodbye in his mature, teenage boy, can’t be shaken way. I just drove to McD’s and then home looking in the rearview mirror every chance I got.  Thinking about how empty my car will feel every morning without him behind me. And let me tell you, two months later, the ride home remains very quiet.

Prep for "Goodbye Day"

I began packing his things. Toys he loves, books he eats, blankies he sucks on… I packed away the clothes that don’t fit and gave her most of the clothes that do fit because I know she doesn’t have many.  In the back of my mind, I am thinking that these clothes will smell like my home and give him some kind of comfort through this change.  Other thoughts also go through my mind like, heck no I’m not giving her these Ralph Lauren jeans. She will just sell them and make money for herself. I’m so petty. I only paid $4 for them at a consignment shop. But she doesn’t deserve Ralph Lauren jeans.  Plus, what if he comes back? I am going to need things for him to where. Really, there was no shortage of clothes for her or for me to keep.  I made a bigger deal out of it than I should of.  I pulled out his bin of baby things.  Toys that his grandma would bring him. His first outfit from the hospital. The clothes his BioMom bought him. His Easter basket, his Xmas stocking and all of his hospital belongings including his bracelet with his D.O.B., weight and length printed on it.  So many more things I kept for him.  All the things I would have kept for my own child.  Crying was an expected part of the packing.  Crying because every parent cries when their baby grows up. Looking back at how tiny he was. The socks and hats were teensy.  Crying because every parent hates when their child has their first sleepover right? Mine just happens to be 21 months old instead of 7yrs old.  Crying because I know deep deep down in the pit of my stomach that this is not what’s right for him. His BioMom is not going to be able to handle this.  He is headed for a rollercoaster no child should ever have to ride. And although I am strong and had him in my arms, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.

How we were going to actually do the hand off was a topic of conversation I had with many people.  I had no clue how we were going to do this.  Do we have lunch together and then say goodbye? Do we have the social worker pick him up and stay home to cry ourselves to sleep? (As I reread this for errors, I'm thinking "gosh did we have more questions than solid knowledge flowing?" Another freakin' question!) It continued... How are we going to do this?? The plan was made and it was executed as follows.  The morning of the kids still had school. We had made a drop off time for early afternoon giving me time to take the kids to school, pack up the rest of his things, drop him off and be back in time for kid pick up and the rest of our crazy day.

Do we want to know?

Erwin and I sat down many times throughout the last two years and talked vaguely about reunification. The details, that is.  We always knew he would be leaving.  As time went on, hoping it was to another family, we had to start breaking down into the details because it was almost go time. We always said, we wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with him if he goes back to bios because it would be super hard to watch him grow up lacking the basic needs we believe he should have.  Wait. Stop. It happens every day. Kids are raised in less than desirable environments. They sometimes leave and get on with a positive and fruitful life.  We get that.  But having a hand in the game and not being able to have a say just seems undoable for us. So, we will not be keeping in touch. Maybe ask for a picture now and then or an email with a little update. That will have to suffice for our hearts to not break. Who would have thunk that a week before we were to hand him over we would decide that maybe we can keep in touch once a month? Actually, I decided that I would keep in touch with BioMom and hopefully be given a visit with “Little Man” once a month. This has to be the healthiest way for him to know that we do love and care for him and will always be there should something fall apart along the way for his family.  Of course it was made a little easier when we were told by the SW that this family will be back in their offices.  "“Little Man” will be removed again." Ok. So she knows it’s not right for him to reunified, hence the recommendation for the past 21 months to terminate rights, but here you go unfit mother. Here’s your chance to breakdown your son before he can continue on with a semi-normal life.  Ok. I get it. What the heck??!!  …Side note… explanation to make that easier to digest came from conversations with various fosters. Veterans and newbies alike. See, BioMom has never had her son.  She messed up while she was prego but not while he has been alive outside of her. She has to be given a chance to “mother” him and most likely screw up before they can keep her away from him.  Makes sense huh? Don’t like it, but it makes sense. Don’t call me a bad mother if I’ve never had a chance to mother my baby. It makes sense to me and I would only hope I would be given the same chance.

Back to our role in his future…  If and when he is pulled from her custody again, we want to make sure he is not completely angry at us for abandoning him... Disappearing from his life.  By seeing him, he will know we are around and will protect him forever. Whether close or from a distance. Erwin is still not so convinced.  He wants nothing to do with BioMom. Ever. Totally understood. I will be the go between as I always have been.  'Gosh I hope I can handle this' was a final thought to many of my days before saying goodbye! I said it then and I say it now, even after I have seen him 3 times since he has returned.

Almost Done

In August we had all new experiences as a foster family.  To begin, we had our first TDM…Team Decision Meeting.  As I recall this meeting is usually held a few times throughout a case to keep everyone in the loop of the progress or lack thereof, at the same time. Yes, this was our first. Infuriating for me since it seems like this is going to be the only place where I am going to be free to speak when and how I would like to speak. One week exactly, from the date of this meeting, I rcve’d some crazy information. Nothing new there. Every piece of information is crazy with this case.  Looks like some rules are being broken. Hmmm… Visits are being had and people are involved in those visits that shouldn’t be. All that I’m now thinking is, here we go, this is the attny’s chance to stop the runaway train from crashing into reunification head on. On top of all this, I find out BioMom is expecting. 4 months along. I was right. I knew this about 2 months prior. This time I had to bring it up without jeopardizing my relationship with BioMom or revealing my source. I did what I had to do, after a few stomach aches and migraines. I brought it up to the appropriate people and NOTHING came of it.  I was assured the broken rules would be addressed at the TDM.  Ok. What about the “growing” issue with BioMom?  Well, that’s not a protection issue for “Little Man”. And, oh ya, it’s not an issue anymore. BioMom decided to eliminate the possibility this issue continuing for 5 more months. (Yes, you can shake your head right along with me.)

I arrive to the TDM with "Little Man". He has a visit immediately following this meeting. Someone from the county office will watch him in another office. A very long table, a white board and everyone involved sitting in the same room. Only one left out is “Little Man”, of course. Head of the table is the mediator. To her right is BioMom’s main support person. Someone she met in the last 2 years of her recovery. (Calling her Sheila because she looks more like a Sheila to me than her real name.)  Going around the table is BioMom, Ashley & Sabrina who are both young moms with a current relationship with CWS, two members of BioDad’s family, my agency worker, me, the social workers supervisor and the social worker. I happen to be seated directly across from BioMom.  As we are explained the rules of how this meeting with play out, I can’t help but look at her and wonder how she is going to handle being told that her case is now in jeopardy because she broke the rules. Will she know it was me that snitched?  Then, it comes to mind that I am the only one there who is on “Little Man’s” side. My worker is there to support me because I have never been to anything like this before. This means I am against everyone else in this room. Great! Here we go…

Quick and easy recap of the TDM: Nothing I said in the meeting mattered at all.  BioMom got slapped on the hands for breaking the rules and was told she “cannot do that anymore”. Oh ya, you read it right. No repercussions from doing what she was specifically told not to do and putting “Little Man’s” life in danger.  A plan was made and printed out for everyone to follow for the next 3 weeks.  About 2 more 8hr visits and the overnights will begin.  He will be reunified with his BioMom the day after her court hearing where the judge will agree with what the county has suggested.  The chart defining BioMom’s progress with pros vs. cons resembles the room quite literally. The list of Pros for her reunifying with “Little Man” is crossing over onto another page with notes on the side. The Cons?  10 of them.  Of which I named 8. The other 2 were the rules that were broken mentioned by the SW.  Really brought out by me earlier. Physically and on paper I was the only one there to fight for “Little Man”. Or you could say the only one against “BioMom”.  The only good thing that came out of this meeting is we have an exact schedule for the next 3 weeks visitation and I let BioMom know that we would like to be a part of “Little Man’s” life as long as she is ok with it.  This is going to happen no matter what now.

I believe... I believe... I believe... I don't believe

(Obviously I did not catch you up all the way... But we are up to August. I think...)

We have one more chance coming in the form of the court hearing we have been waiting for since April. This is the pre-trial conference before the hearing we have been waiting for since April. Here all parties, county, biomom, biodad and foster child are represented and relay their plans to the judge. They agree or disagree and either the judge can say "see you at the hearing" or "how about we just change it now and save everyone the time". Or he can order a continuance. We were told this is it.

"Mom has made great progress in little time. She has completed much of the reunification plan." Are you kidding me? That is all that is going through my head. I'm sitting in the back of the court room with the CASA trainees and other randoms that feel the need to be there. They have no idea I am the one who has raised this child whose name is never mentioned.  He is referred to as the "minor". Bottom line is everyone agrees to ANOTHER continuance since her overnights are close to starting and she is moving into her own place very soon. As soon as the judge ended the hearing, I got up and headed out. "Little Man's" attny followed me and as the door closed, I started crying out of pure sadness for my son. He is being dragged along like a ragdoll. Just hold on honey. Only another month! Whatever! The attny says she is not happy it has been continued again but has also warned the county that this is it. No more continuances. It's do or die! She has 3 weeks to get her schtuff together. She said something to me that explained this whole process. "You are playing Russian roulette with a child's life." That is how the attny felt and it was exactly how I felt. I'm so relieved she is on "Little Man's team" She seems to be the only other one besides myself that truly believes "Little Man" deserves better.

Jumping In!

I'm so afraid...
 ...He's going to forget me.
 ...He's going to be mad at me.
 ...He's going to go crazy just having his biomom around.
 ...She is going to mess up and he is going to pay the price.
 ...This case is going to go another 2 years.
 ...I'm going to start resenting "Little Man", the system, Angel's.
 ...I'm not going to be able to handle this reunification.



The list could go on and on. Thoughts go through my head constantly, specially on those bad days. The bad days came pretty quick as unsupervised visits went from 4 hours to 6 hours to overnights. Not having him here at night was very odd. Something was missing. It was super quiet! I looked at my phone a lot. During the last few weeks of these visits "Little Man" ended up with a few scratched and random bruises. Some had reasonable stories, others not so reasonable. None of them were taken into account on judgment day.  "Little Man" always did "great" at his visits with his biomom. No problem sleeping, no tantrums, just peachy! There is absolutely no way it was that "great". He hates going to bed. Every night! But it just doesn't matter anymore. The days are slipping away from us and he is going back home. I had to deal with that and fast.


Oh but what would this case be without a little fork in the road, right? And oh what a doozy! It's time for the TDM. Team Decision Meeting. I'm scared out of my mind and I have no idea what to expect since the game has changed people! The game has changed. (did change... reminder that this all happened months ago. I'm still catching you up.)

Where have you been all my life?

I thought I would address the extensive time lapse in between posts. So much went on from the end of July through September 4th.  I honestly couldn't think of writing any of it down.  All I had were emotions. No words. Just emotions.  I'll try my best to catch you up...

So, we found Baby Daddy and he started to have visits with "Little Man". And he also helped to delay the court process for BioMom. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe those emotions. How could anyone who was supposedly putting the child's well-being first, let this go on and on and on, delaying the inevitable for "Little Man" which is leaving the only family he knows. Then at some point in August I'm told that if I were to say that I'm going to adopt him that the count would stop pursuing BM and BD and place him with us.  WHUUUT?!?! Well, there ya go. The solution is clear. We adopt him to keep him from this lifestyle that can only lead to a challenging childhood for him.  Right? Uh.... Wrong!! That would be the only reason we would adopt him. Let me reiterate that he is our son. He will always be my son and I will always be his Momma. But as a parent, love is not enough. And I have know this from the start that we are not looking to grow our family permanently. And I need to remind myself that if we did adopt we would be done fostering. 3 kids is a lot. I can't imagine 4, 5 or 6 kids.  My friends and cousins that have these large bee-utiful families are my heroes.

(Back to my "Little Man".) Hopefully, everyone that reads this knows or has heard of someone who grew up in a not so great neighborhood with a not so great family or even no family at all, but turned out to be a successful adult.  That is what I am going to have to be comfortable with every night when I go to sleep. 

Got Sleep?

(written Monday night)

3am and I have been lying in bed for over an hour.  Yes, I took a late nap but I take them when I can get them.  I haven’t been able to sleep well or nap well since we dropped him off. I’m out of my sleeping pills but I keep forgetting to call it in for more.  Easy fix on any other day.  I have the Nyquil handy but that just seems a little bit desperate and shady.  I decided to come downstairs, pop open a bottle of wine and start typing. I’ve put it off or way too long.  Oh ya and I’ll munch on some Monster Mix from Target and watch ‘Breaking Down the Bars’. 

I get to pick up “Little Man” Thursday morning. I’m a nervous wreck. It will be 4 weeks to the day that I last hugged and kissed my sweet foster son. Longest 4 weeks of my life. I can honestly say it has felt like 6 months.  Biggest fear is him not wanting to come with me.  Or crying for Mommy (BioMom) after we leave his home.  I have lots of supporters telling me I’m crazy for thinking that.  And when I stop to really think about that I had him for a little under 2 years I tell myself there is no way he won’t want to see me or come with me.  I guess I will find out in 3 days. 

Not sure where to back up to, to catch up on this story. Going to figure it out and bring ya along. You won’t believe the ups and downs we have been through. But you will sure want to read about it.  We still shake our heads at all we have learned and witnessed through loving “Little Man”.     

Help for me... What?

    One of the neat programs that is available for foster families and biological families to help with visitation are stand alone visitation centers.  They are located all over the county.  Most non-foster people don't even know they are there. These places are available for visits with the families so you can be in a neutral location that feels a bit safer and more open, than say the park that someone was just stabbed at last night. (not an exaggeration - just another day in the life of me) The foster parent can do the supervising or with permission from the CSW, you can schedule a worker there to supervise. Another great piece is they actually have transport workers who will come and pick up the foster child wherever you are.  They will then take the child to the visit and supervise if necessary and return the child afterwards.  I have been asking for this for a long time.  I have been NEEDING this for longer. I finally got it! Help with BioDad's visits. Now I am down to dropping off and picking up "Little Man" for BioMom's visits only.  Phew or so I thought.


    The car pulled up on time to pick up "Little Man" as she instructed me last week.  Good start. I had been trying to get him to be excited to see his BioDad but he didn't seem to catch on today.  The transport worker looked so familiar.  We figured out she had picked up another Angel's baby from a Momma's group that I attend weekly.  She recognized me too. Very comforting. I explained that I noted some things for BioDad and it was in "Little Man's" backpack. Yes, I went overboard and wrote some notes on a 3x5 card. Stuff like when he woke up and if he had eaten and new words he has been babbling. After that, I handed him to her and asked what I was supposed to do next.  She instructed me to stay in the house and she would be back after the visit. I closed the door almost all the way after blowing kisses to a very confused 20 month old face. I could hear the worker speaking to him. She had a toy in the car for him. She told him they are going to have a fun little drive, and they were going to visit his BioDad. (she used his nickname but I'm going to keep that private) Then they drove away.


    BLAH! My stomach started grumbling and I truly felt like I was going to puke. I just let a stranger (sort of) drive away with my son. Only once have I had someone else take "Little Man" to a visit for me. I think he was 3 months old and I was sick as a dog. I have always been the one supervising and driving.  It seems this "help" comes with new emotions I wasn't expecting.

SPELLCHECK PEOPLE

I just don’t understand why people can’t take the minute to press the spell check button before they hit send or print.  Even important websites that are trying to get a poignant message
across like …

“PROTECT THE POOR”

“IJM JOINS GLOBAL DEVELOPMENT GROUPS, CIVIL SOCITY GROUPS AND WOMEN'S ORGANIZATIONS IN ENCOURAGING THE UN TO PURSUE INITIATIVES THAT ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THOSE IN POVERTY.”

FOUND

    Found: One young drug-addict male, recovering on own, with baby picture that looks EXACTLY like “Little Man”, who is very interested in taking a DNA test to claim paternity of said child.

    Baby daddy option #4 was a winner. The winner of a county supplied atty and possibly services to help him through his recovery towards possible custody of his son who for 20 months has called another man Da-Da. Prior to him wanting visits, I wanted nothing to do with him. I never made eye contact with him at the two court hearings I attended. I knew he was there. He knew who I was since BioMom would acknowledge my presence. Why didn’t I want to meet him? Easy -- I didn’t want or need to care about another human being till I knew I had to care about another human being. Cold? Maybe. Boundaries? For sure!

    He’s a kid.  That for me makes it worse cuz I’m a Mom and a teacher’s wife.  Kids are part of our life every single day.  (the obvious ones aside) I just wonder if he is going to stick it out through this chaotic life BioMom has created for "Little Man”.  My feelings are on the plus side. I hope I’m right. 

Catchin' up on the 4th

True compassion is not just an emotional response, but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change, even if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively overcome their problems. --- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

    Last week was the first unsupervised visit since BioMom screwed up in January.  I have had the pleasure, uh-hem, of supervising since March. Two 2hr visits each and every week. I’m not even sure when the last time I blogged.  (typing while waiting for an appt in my car with no wifi) I can’t see “Little Man” till noon today and he started off with clinging to my leg when we walked in the door to an attachment therapy appt for BioMom. 3^rd visit in a row he cried as I left. Only saving grace is he was with the awesome therapist who sees all that I see with BioMom and ”Little Man”. 
    What should you know to catch you up? Umm… “Little Man” turned 20months this week. Yep, we still have him.  Nope we are not adopting him. Yes, it’s going to be ridiculously hard on us when he leaves but more so for him.  That is when the prayers are going to have to come double time. So rest up my friends! No, I’m not stronger than you. Maybe I’m less strong without the ability to say NO! lol… Naaaa… just love being a Mom. 
    Ok, next… “Little Man” has a Daddy.  Well, a Baby-Daddy-Uncle. I can’t explain. It is so crazy that the county and my agency have had a hard time wrapping the details around their heads.  If anyone involved typed in a few specifics for a Google search, they would be able to find my blog immediately. No bueno! This would be one reason for no blogging for several weeks.  I can say I didn’t need front row seats for Maury Povich to experience the show. I’m livin’ it!! A great thing or two has come from the drama as of late.  BioDad is a great guy (age <20) who is really excited (kid in a candy store) that he has a son.  In my opinion who wouldn’t be excited that they could claim “Little Man” as their own?! He has started services voluntarily (clean for 3 months.)  Has a supportive family who seems to be alright in the grand scheme of things. My biggest hang up with BioDad is when he came forward he became the reason for 2 delays of terminating BioMom’s services. And now she has unsupervised visits. But more on that later.
   I hope I still have my readers.  Thank you for patiently waiting. I am just as surprised as you how this case keeps progressing. I never thought I would gain all this experience in one case. Lucky me??

Recap...

I pick up a brand new bouncing baby boy from the hospital, 2 days old, because he has no one who is capable of caring for him.  I take him home, care for him morning, noon and night, fall in love, prepare myself and my family mentally and emotionally for him to leave our home forever at least 2 different times.  We celebrate his 1^st birthday after watching him to learn to rollover, laugh, eat big people food and crawl. (Not necessarily in that order.) Then, we help him learn to stand, balance, walk and run, all the while kissing his boo boos and loving him even more.  We are just shy of 18 months of pure love for our son! Now it’s almost time to send him away forever. For real this time. Well, maybe. Could we hang on for another 6 months? Oh wait -- unpack.  It might be another 18 months...  

I Love Visit Time!

NOT!  When not on spring break we wake up at 7am and take the kids to school starting with Abby at 740 and then Ethan at 8am. We get home at 810 to 820 depending on the traffic. We sit down for breakfast and since “Little Man” is a super vacuum, we leave the kitchen about 15mins later.  Straight to the living room for Mickey Mouse Clubhouse and some email checking.  At 9am we head upstairs so I can get ready while “Little Man” hangs out in his crib and watches a bit more Mickey Mouse.  For this to happen without a hitch, I have to immediately open up the drapes before I put him in his crib.  If not, the thought of a possible bed time for “Little Man” produces a scream for all to hear.

We must leave the house at 9:30am for us to get to the visit on time.  I decided just recently to have the visits at the Child Welfare office.  They have rooms for us to use for this purpose.  I feel like having the visits at the park as they were previously isn’t realistic for BioMom.  “Little Man” loves being outside and running around.  He could do it all day, rain or shine. Perfect right? On top of that, I am there for him to feel comfortable.  I’m also there for BioMom to walk up to whenever she wants to and chat.  This makes her more comfortable.  It’s not real life. Real life is being stuck in a one room apartment, an office appt and having to deal with a toddler who wants to touch everything and be loud.  That is perfect! So, as soon as we get to the office, BioMom is usually sitting right inside the door. “Little Man” is always glad to see her and walks over to her with no hesitation. We then go to the visit room which is filled with toys and books and a table and chairs.  BioMom and “Little Man” walk through the door and I say my goodbyes adding any important updates that may affect her visit. Sometimes, he is super tired or super cranky. She closes the door and the fun begins.  “Little Man” begins his vocal exercises crying and screaming. The past few visits it hasn’t lasted long.  (insert smarty pants comment about Biomom – I forgot what I was going to say after taking a break from writing.) Serious note, BioMom is getting more at ease with him as he is getting used to being with her.  Gosh I hate saying that at this point. It is what I should be hoping for but lately I am finding myself wishing for a fall!

What is that?

I’ve been reading a blog lately that is actually not current but it started back in 2005. I’m in 2006 and hooked as ever.  It is written by a Foster Dad and it’s titled “Other Peoples Kids”. www.thefosterdad.blogspot.com  I love it! Wish I had thought of it first! Anyway this guy is a great writer and has an amazing insight into the foster world having been a foster brother for most of his life.  His Mom was a foster mom for 30 years.  So not only do we get his perspective on being a new foster dad but he adds his Moms opinions and experiences too. LOVE IT! I hope he starts again or wrote a book or something so when I get to the end of his blog I can continue.  Anyways my point of telling you this is he has a few genius items he includes in his blog which I am going to borrow/copy/ steal. Hope he doesn’t mind. The first one I am implementing to help you all along in my story is a list of terminology I use.  During our Foster Momma support group we sometimes stop and laugh at the conversation we just had.  We can't imagine what the flies on the walls must be thinking.

As you read, please don't hesitate to as me questions if you have them. I welcome any comments too. Fostering is important and it needs to be talked about more. I  would love to be one who starts that conversation for you.

Countdown has begun!

3 1/2 weeks from today.  The 18 month hearing will be taking place and I will be sitting in the room.  I was asked if I wanted to be there and I jumped at the chance. I thought about it afterwards, but said yes immediately when she brought it up. I was told I have invested our families lives in this little boy and his mother and deserve to be present when the judge makes his next decision.  Thinking about it, I realized I want to see what the judges face looks like when he hears all the "progress" BioMom has made. NOT! I want to see and hear how he addresses BioMom. Is he genuinely concerned about her as a Mom or is he tainted by the criminal aspect of her life, especially since she had revisited her juvenile delinquent status recently.  What I am really afraid of is the judge treating her like a case number. If I knew that is how the hearing would be going I honestly wouldn't want to be there. It will infuriate me! Not because I am involved and this "case" is about the well-being of my son, more so because I would be sitting there not able to say anything. Not able to tell the judge that he has no clue what he is talking about. That the county system is the reason this girl is sitting here in this situation.  Maybe I should get a T-shirt made with "Little Man's" picture on it. lol... Fine, I won't.
I'm really not interested in how the next 3 1/2 weeks are going to play out.  I'm so done with visits and the joke of the county workers decision making. Clarifying of course that I do like my SW as a person.  She is very sweet.  I know she has a good heart.  I just don't understand how she is all connected with that heart.  It's almost like she turns it off when she makes the decisions.  I mean, the decision to recommend Termination of Rights is a hard decision to make but then why follow that up with a referral for more services for BioMom?!  I don't get it!

Boo Boos Galore

Hate this part of the foster parent gig. Having a toddler boy who runs every chance he gets. If he's not running he's climbing anything or sharing his skills of walking backwards or spinning in circles, conveniently taught by his big brother. He hasn't even mastered the walking with balance piece. It's all setting up the perfect BooBoo! And why is it always on his face? It's because he knows that I love having to pin him down for a picture.  Then, I immensely enjoy writing the report of how he hurt himself... when, where and who was there. I have to send it to my Angel's worker along with the picture and if the BooBoo is bad enough then she must write a report and send it to the SW. This immediately pings the Licensing Dept. and we have to hope they don't decide to do a surprise investigation visit. Makes me nervous but my Angel's worker always reminds me that BooBoo's on toddler boys are normal. It is odd though, how the title of Foster Momma changes how I feel about bruises from falling on some blocks. I will say that "Little Man" is a tough little boy. He stumbles, trips and falls like other little ones learning to balance and walk, but he gets right back up. Such a good boy!


It's Friday!
Amy

I'm sick and tired

No for real... I'm sick and tired. Erwin is back to work in full force with school and the Club Volleyball. That means that I see him for about an hour and a half after his workouts with the high school volleyball girls.  Then he is off to the Boys and Girls Club to organize, coach, collect money and run his club.  I get him back around 9pm some nights and 1030pm on other nights. I do get a pseudo nap when he is home the first time. Thank goodness.  It recharges my batteries to take care of the kids and their activities for the rest of the day.  And of course it gives me the energy to chase my "Little Man".




I'm not sure where the icky sickies came from. We are diligent about washing hands in this house. Especially after school. But darn, it got me first. It's wearing me out! My head feels like it's going to implode. "Little Man" doesn't seem to think anything of it. Ripping up the foam letters that protect him from the ceramic tiles which he knows drives us all batty is much more fun than watching Momma lie down on the couch.  Even more fun is when I scoot over quickly to stop his games and jets over to my laptop trying to yank it off the table.  Can you guess what happens when I run over to catch the laptop before it hits the ground? Oh yes, the little nut runs right back to the foam letters to pull them up.  He is so ridiculous we can only laugh right along with him. He has taken to this running thing quite quickly. And the boy can stop on a dime. lol... He is so darn cute! Wish I could share his pics.


Till next time -- Night!
Amy

Back to Work I Go

She's out and wouldn't ya know she gets her visits back. With a nice 4 week break we will begin seeing Mommy for 2 hours twice a week. And yay I get to supervise! That means I sit there in the vicinity, in our case at the park about 20 yards away, and watch how Mommy treats "Little Man". How much she is on her cell phone... How many times she comes over to me to chat... How long she keeps him in the swing instead of letting him wander through the playground... Can't you hear the excitement in my words? We meet in the morning so it's a little cool in the air.  I have to bundle up with a blanket and bring a few different activities to keep me from falling asleep. Some crocheting, some digi-scrapping and some reading on the iPhone. BioMom thinks we will only be in this visit mode for a visit or two.  I happen to think otherwise.  I can feel that the wheels of the system are grinding away and things are about to change. Now, that is all I know and yes it's a feeling. Not even a fact.  I'm back to visits and I'm back to waiting for the calls to come through from the county.  Kathleen is making her emails and calls to the SW hoping to hear back.  It seems that the county is slow right now in the foster kid dept. Angel's has 6 or7 families waiting for babies. One family has been waiting for 3 months. So that should mean my SW should have some time to get on this case. Get on with it lady! Is BioMom a "No" or a "Go"?

What now??

Haven't been in the mood to write in a while.  Plus, really don't know what exactly to tell you about.  What do you wanna know? How about BioMom's trip back to Juvi for 3weeks. Or maybe how upset she was when I picked up "Little Man" one night  from his visit. She had been raided by her PO's during her "time with him". She didn't want him to see that. (Ya, 'cuz he'll never see an officer again in his life if he is with her.) Or do you want to hear how people are asking and questioning us about "Why don't you want to adopt him?" "He's starting to look like you!" Oh I know, I'll tell you about my dream/nightmare I had this weekend.


It was real for sure. Except, when I woke up in a full sweat I knew, for sure, it wasn't! I got a phone call from the BioDad.  He was ready to set up visits with "Little Man". I was not happy because BioMom has already been taking up so much of my time lately.  I meet him some random neighborhood.  Not the good kind with a security gate.  He is definitely not the fatherly-looking type.  "Little Man" is at the county office with the social worker I assumed.  BioDad was following me in his car so we could meet up with them. Before we got out od the car in the parking lot I was checking my phone messages and saw a county number in the missed calls. I stopped and listened.  "BioDad is now in the picture and he will get one visit of one hour each week for now. Blah blah blah" Ok, normal, whatever.  Then for some reason there was a stack of mail on the passenger seat next to me.  I see there is one from the county. After opening it I read that this case is to be handle with EXTRA CARE because BioDad is a murderer! Say what? I see in my rearview mirror that he on his way towards my car so we can walk in together.  Reading faster, the letter tells m the details of the event he was responsible for. He shot some government officials or something extra wrong. Now  I have to act all calm and like the letter was nothing because he standing at my car door. All I kept thinking the entire way to the building, through the offices, inside the elevator was "He doesn't know this is a government building but the second he realizes it he is going to takeoff!  Or easier he'll just attack everyone." Still smiling we made our trip upstairs and he never gave me any reason to be scared. The letter from the county was all I needed.  Which sucks 'cuz now I wish I hadn't read it.  "Did he see the words on the paper when he was outside my car door? He is going to be pissed if he knows I know that." BEEP BEEP BEEP!!!! The alarm goes off and I'm soaking in sweat from my head to my toes.


See? Your day could have been fine without knowing that right?  Just for the record, none of that dream is remotely true. As of yet... we still don't have a paternity test on file.


Till there are more fun times to report,


Amy

T.H.I.N.K.

"Grief makes one hour ten" ~Shakespeare

Lately no truer words have been spoken.  BioMom has been taking me on a wild ride these past few weeks.  I am really in disbelief that she is starting to self-destruct so close to the final trial and getting her son back.  Other Foster Mommas told me that it happens but I didn't think it would happen to me. (How cliché!) In my case I go from feeling strong and in control to angry and shaky. Then I end up emotionally and physically drained. I feel like I have lost all control and focus. That is where my grief shows it's face. After going to my Super Amazing Foster Mommas to vent and get some perspective, I realize it's only been 45 minutes since I got on this ride. How do you get drained in 45 minutes without physically doing anything? Some days the grief wins and I pray Erwin will be home soon and that the big kids are in good moods so I can sneak away for a nap. 

I have a friend who reminded me of the THINK process. It's an acronym that goes like this...
           "Is this thought or this way of thinking..."
                     TRUE? HELPFUL? INSPIRATIONAL to my goals? NECESSARY? KIND?

Basically my friend said, if you have a bunch of "no's" then find another way to think.  Challenge the thought process until you can say "yes" x5. This process is necessary to those involved on this journey. If you don't have some way of knocking the frustrating and grief breeding thoughts, you'll never make it. For me, this is going to be really helpful. That's my wishful thinking of course. 

Shakespeare and my friend and the random author are smart peoples. As I have gotten older time flies. I sure don't have time to be bummed for ten hours, even if they really only equal one.

Nite!
Amy

The New Year = New Questions or the Same Ol' Schtuff

A blog, www.momoffmeth.com , I love to follow for many different reasons, some more obvious than others, told me she heard someone say that "some years are full of questions, and some years are full of answers."  For her she said, "This year was full of accepting that I don't always have the answers to the questions, and having the ability to live with that, is where it's at." DING DING DING!! That's it. That is what I want my year to be about.  I want to learn to accept not having all the answers. Being a Foster Momma has definitely put me in that reality.  With a big LEGALLY in front of not being able to know any most of the answers. MomOffMeth had a list of questions... these were some that stuck out to me...

Why is it we stay in touch with certain people, and let others go, even when there isn't a clear reason?

Why do we have to work so hard to let go of stuff that is bad for us?

Why do I constantly compare my life, including my joys and pains, to other people's?

Why don't we always see people the way they should be seen?

 

Why don't people always see us the way we really are?

Why is it so hard to let go of the past, even when we know it is only now that counts?

Why is it so hard to decide what to wear each day?

Why is being a parent so hard?

 

Why can't we fix people?

Why is it so hard to accept our choices and let the "what if's" go to hell?

Why are some days so perfect, but still feel icky?

Why am I forever tired but can't seem to check anything off my To-Do List?

I have lots of waiting and thinking time being a Foster Momma. Especially with all the driving for visits I have had to do over the last 14 months. (technically 13 months) Trying to find the answers myself doesn't always work out. Sometimes it just adds more questions. I hate it when that happens. Now what do I do with this epiphany? See?? Another freakin' question!

:)

She's Late again...

In the last blog I wrote how one of my responsibilities is taking my "Little Man" to see his biological mother whenever I am told to.  Two days a week I meet her at the county office. This is good for a couple of reasons. First, it's nice to have documentation that we were both there when we sign in with the security guard. Secondly, the security guard is now my friend.  He has seen some of the drama unfold with BioMom on these visit pick-ups and drop-offs.  Plus, he has seen a whole lot more of bioparents and foster parents coming in and out for the office. Finally, I feel safe here. It's a county office. Even though BioMom has never tried any funny business with me or the baby... wait. First it was visits in jail, then in a narcotics recovery center. Two places where there can't be any funny business or the you know what hits the fan. Duh she hasn't tried anything. Somehow I always feels like she's due.

The other visit of the week I take "Little Man" to her home in a transitional living space.  I don't even get out of the car. Except when I witness a lady run a red light and plow into a truck. That's another day on Oprah. There really have never been big crazy things that happen with this case. The time it is taking for the county to make up it's mind on BioMom's competency is insane for sure. But there is a smaller issue that has been rearing its ugly head a lot lately. And I am DONE with it. It's super annoying. This is your son you are trying to get back and supposedly dying to see. Be there in time for goodness sake. Last week she came out at 14 minutes. That would be 14 minutes of me waiting for her in the car. Rule: I can leave after waiting anywhere for her for 15 minutes.  For real lady? 14 minutes?? In my head, next time I am leaving at 13! You know me, the one who breaks all the rules?! Before this and after this she has been 5 minutes here and 7 minutes there. And oh there was 25 minutes once. Had to wait because she called to let me know she would be late.  As of Friday, I couldn't understand why everyone else wasn't up in arms. Today, a different thought has been racing through my head.  It all boils down to this. My story: She is late all the time -- What a horrible Mom right?! My other story: There have been times where I have been late every single day of the week for school drop off. It's even lasted for several weeks minus a few good days in between. So... this makes me a horrible Mom right?! Difference is no one threatened to take my kids away or even berate me for my lack of time management.

Why am I wanting the worst for BioMom? I think it's all I have to hold on to. We are closer than we have ever been to "Little Man" going back to his Mom. I guess my anger is one of the last straws I am grasping for. This week I will focus on letting it go. I have relayed my anger and annoyance of her disrespect for my time to my Social Worker and she has let her worker know. There is nothing else I can do. Well, except leave at 13minutes of lateness. As if that is going to make a difference. I shall see. I'm sure she will give me the opportunity to test out my theory at least once this week. 

Night!
:)Amy

How can this be?

Caring about how the mother is going to be a good mother doesn't matter. Deep down I know she can't do it.  The county has a different idea.  All that matters to them is that she can keep him safe and healthy.  It's called "Minimum Proficiency". Can she call 911 when necessary? Can she call the Dr. when she needs to?  Does she know when and how to change his diaper? Those are the things they check on. I guess if you can do that high then you are good to go. Ok, well that wasn't fair I know. 

I have again come to the point where I need to back away and be reminded of what I am supposed to be doing here.  I am a Foster Mom who has a responsibility of caring for and loving on a bee-utiful baby boy. Part of that is taking him to see his biological Mom when I am told to.  Complete lots of fabulous paperwork and that's it. Nothing else. At the end of my job I am to give this boy to whomever I am told to.  It will be harder than anything I have had to do. The pain in my heart will be debilitating for sure. My support system is in place and will be waiting to hold up my family and I. Till then, I will be the best MOM I can be to my 3 kids. Now this I know I can do!

:)Amy

Selfish I Am

The days "Little Man" comes home from a 6hr visit with his BioMom are truly the days from H-E-double hockey sticks.  He won't let me leave the room without crying. He is exhausted so he stumbles around and falls more frequently than a normal 1yr old learning to walk.  If a toy falls from his hands or when he does fall, he stays right where he is and throws a crying fit.  Saying "No" is definitely going to bring on a hand-slamming, screaming fit.  He eventually will take at least a 3hr nap and stay up late.  These days are very similar to Sunday evenings.  The night used to be the night before his first visit of the week.  When it was time to go to bed he would fight to no end to not fall asleep.  When he would finally give in to his heavy eyelids, he would no doubt wake up screaming at least 3 times during the night. Tonight was no different.  Fortunately for "little Man" his visits have changed and he will be free of BioMom tomorrow. Unfortunately for "Little Man" he will now have 3 - 6hr visits each week. Oh boy this is going to get ugly. 

As I typed the piece about what happens after "Little Man's" visit I stopped to think a minute. We always have thought this happens because he was with his BioMom who doesn't know the best ways to care for him. And he is just trying to let us know he has had a rough time without us, his family. How do we truly know this?  It could be the other way around.  He could be crying and fighting it all because I keep bringing him back to HIS MOM and then taking him away.  Time and time again.  Maybe we are being selfish saying he misses us.  Maybe he really is missing his Mom. They always say a child knows the connection to family. 

Ughh... I am probably just fishing for some other reason to make it easier for me to drop him off for these crazy long visits, which happens to not be long enough for BioMom to really understand the work and energy that goes into caring for a 1yr old. Especially when she has friends to come over and help her.  You know, friends that are older and have lived on their own before and not to mention, waiting for their own child to be released from the courts. What's better? Friends to help or be all alone?  I just don't know.

;)Amy