Respite... No Thanks

RESPITE (n)

1: a period of temporary delay

2: an interval of rest or relief

 

I always defined "respite" in a medical sense. If someone was very ill and needed to stay home with respite care. Something like that. (if I apply the definition I have just found, I made no sense for years) In the Foster Parenting world, it is commonly used for assistance with foster kids. For example, if you have plans for a trip and the courts won't allow you to take your child along, your child is put into a respite home until you return. Or it can be a home that takes care of a foster child just for a night or a weekend to give the parents a break. These homes are licensed and ready to support foster families.  It seems to me that respite is put out there almost as a requirement or automatic part of the responsibility foster parents take on. It was talked about in our training. There have been many articles written on the subject too. Makes us feel weird.

 

I understand that sometimes foster families may have no other choice because of the courts to use a respite home. Makes sense. It's a rule. But as for "a break" or a "date night"?  Erwin and I are foster parents by title but will always be parents at heart.  As we parent our own children, we rarely take breaks or use date nights. Sometimes they are offered by family or friends. And sometimes we accept. We know these families and make sure we only do it when there is no other choice. Basically we feel like we have chosen to be parents not as a job for our biological children or our foster children, but as a life choice. We don't think we should take breaks from our life. Yes, sometimes we feel we need it because we are tired or overwhelmed. We are humans with limits like everyone else. But we don't call people and ask them to take our children so we can have a break. We simply take a break with our kids. A change in the daily routine. Not temporarily eliminating one of the sources of our fatigue. If you think about it, the kids probably need a break too. This doesn't change because we have our Angel Baby. Our kids aren't going to be in our homes forever. Well, they better not be. And for sure our Angel Babies won't be in our homes for long either. We will take our "respite" when they leave. We will have plenty of time there to refresh, relax, recharge and go on date nights.

 

I always re-read what I am writing as I am writing it to make sure it's all flowing nicely without ranting. This post seems as if I am building myself up on this pedestal. I promise that is not where I am coming from. We are not anything special. I am not trying to prove our invincibility. I also know some families need respite. They use it and love it. They couldn't be the awesome parents they are without it. That is totally OK. Obviously it's there to help, not to hinder. I just simply want to state that it's just not for us.  We will continue to do our job, loving and caring for "our kids" no matter the length of the day or the weight of the world on our shoulders.  It's just who we are. I wonder if that is a good or bad thing? I may need to post again on the topic... Opinions?

 

:)Amy

Don't you know who I am?

I had a few crazy experiences when visiting bio-mom in juvenile hall. Go figure! One that always comes to mind that directly included me was when a substitute Social Worker came in to supervise. In the beginning she walked into the waiting room with Barry, who I had met before. She didn't introduce herself, just stood in front of me. I introduced myself since it was really awkward. I overheard that she was going to go in with me and not Barry. Immediately after her introduction she says, "Why are we meeting here?"  She had this look of disdain and disgust of our meeting location. I was flabbergasted but confused. And maybe entertained a bit. I looked at Barry assuming she had read about the case or spoke about it on the ride over. Barry told her, "Bio-Mom is incarcerated here." She responded with the expected, "Oooooh." Who is this lady!?!

Little did I know she was not done. She followed me inside the room and sat directly behind me in a room with at least 15 other chairs. (Okay?!) About 15 minutes in, Bio-Mom asked me about how he is doing with sitting upright and how strong he is getting. I told her how at 4 1/2 months I can carry him on my hip. (My hand is on his back of course.) But this boy is strong! Before I even finished my sentence the Sub looked directly at Bio-Mom and said, "You really shouldn't do that till the baby is at least 6 months." I reassured her that this little boy has blown the normal milestones out of the water and is very strong. She looked at me, turned back to Bio-Mom and said, "Still, you shouldn't do that." I turned my back to her and was blown away. Who did she think she was? Did she know who I was? So, I asked her! "Did Barry tell you who I am? I'm "Little Man's" Foster Mom. You know I have had him since birth?" (I wanted to say I AM HIS MOM!) She had known. Ok... then why the heck are you telling his bio-mom that what I am telling her is wrong and basically I have no clue what I am talking about?! I had no one there who I really knew since we also had a sub-parole officer. I was ready to pop.

Funny small world... the same lady showed up to the halfway house as a SW for another housemate. Luckily, I was not there. It would have driven me crazy. lol...

Ok...I feel better now.

:)Amy

Is it "Good-Bye Day" for us already?

Right before Bio-Mom went into her current half-way house the powers that be were trying to decide where she was going to be spending her judge ordered recovery time. There were options in La Mesa, North County and somewhere else in San Diego.  Not much of the discussion was had in front of me. Remember I don't get a vote. When she is in a facility I will need to drive "Little Man" once or twice a week for his visit. Same would go for North County, even if it's an hour away. Or so I thought. I immediately called my Angel's worker and was very worried that I would have to do that. No way could I handle that drive with my other kids busy lives too. But I don't want to say I can't because maybe they will take him from us. Word is County may transfer his case if North County is the plausible option for Bio-Mom. He would get a North County SW and a North County Foster Family.

There was only 2 weeks till she got out of Juvenile Hall - I was freakin' out. We were not done playing with him, watching him grow and lovin' on him. I was glued to my phone at all times. Dreading any calls from any one of importance.

It got down to 3 days before she got out and I still had heard nothing. It was killing me. I know we never really know when he is going to go but he's not supposed to go to another home unless the case is leading to adoption. Ughhh... the waiting game is the hardest part I swear.

A day after she was to be released I got a call and they are NOT moving her to North County. The facility was full with a waiting list. Phew!! We dodged that one.

Fast Forward to visit #2 with Bio-Mom in her current location. We were having our normal talk about the baby and things she felt I needed to know about her scattered past like her biological Dad's house being raided for drugs 3 days after she stopped staying there at 8 months pregnant. She brought up the other facilities and I felt I needed to let her know how I was selfishly glad she didn't go to North County where she had wanted to be. She didn't know that if she was placed there, her son would most  likely have been taken from me and put into another home. She was very surprised and said,"Well, did you tell them you didn't want that?" I reminded her that I have no control over what happens with "Little Man". I have no say in the matter. I am just his caregiver. She actually made me feel good -- not sure how many times I'll be able to say that during our Angel journeys. She told me she would have been so upset!! It looks and feels like we are on the same team...for now.

;)Amy

Our Angel's Theme Song

I am crazy about music. I have been for as long as I can remember. My entire family is. My brother, sister and I have this insane ability to remember song lyrics only after a few listens. We would have killed it on Name That Tune! Anyway, music has helped me through some of the worst times of my life. I will get the biggest goosebumps and start crying when I hear Lee Greenwood sing "Proud To Be An American".  It was playing a ton after 9-11 and during my long commute I had lots of time to think about those lyrics. Some songs I can't listen to because it reminds me of stuff I don't want to be think about, like an exes and my favorite song. It's corny and I'm not missing out.  Others are so hilarious I have to call my sisters cell and put the phone to the speaker so she can hear the song playing on the radio at that very moment! Then I hang up. "Baby Got Back!" We don't even need to speak. We know who it is once we hear the music playing.

I think "Glad You Came" started playing on the car radio the night we picked up "Baby Girl". The words clicked and it was as if they were singing about what was about to happen.  (side note: The "drink" needs to be thought of as a bottle of milk.)

"Glad You Came" - The Wanted

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came

You cast a spell on me,
You hit me like the sky fell on me,
And I decided you look well on me,
So let's go somewhere no one else can see, you and me

Turn the lights out now
Now I'll take you by the hand
Hand you another drink
Drink it if you can
Can you spend a little time,
Time is slipping away,
Away from us so stay,
Stay with me I can make,
Make you glad you came

The sun goes down
The stars come out
And all that counts
Is here and now
My universe will never be the same
I'm glad you came
I'm glad you came

 

Can you hear it now? It's crazy I tell you. I swear this song was for Foster Parents. Probably not, but it makes me feel better. The biggest piece that hits home for me is "All that counts is here and now" because that is all we can think about. I can't think about tomorrow since I have no idea where our Angel babies and us will be. For now, we are so glad they came to us and we know our universe will never be the same.

 

Nite Nite!

:)Amy

One on One

It's been a while. I already have about 5 visits under my belt. Going back to the day before the first one, I was a nervous wreck. This was going to be the first visit with just her and I. No social workers, no parole officers, no one but my baby's bio-mom and me. I asked Erwin to to drive me to the location the day before so I knew where I was going. All I needed was to be lost on the first day in a neighborhood where I DO NOT belong.

Bio-Mom has been ordered to a half-way house (no clue if that's the correct title) where she will undergo recovery and training how to be a Mom. That is probably not what the brochure says specifically but it's the little bit of understanding that I have.  For the first portion she is not allowed to leave the location so I will be taking "Little Man" to visit her once  a week.

I didn't know what to expect and was met at the door by her counselor and supervisor of the program Jackie. Without describing it too much as to not give away it's location, it was like walking into a rundown apartment building. Inside I was welcomed by Bio-Mom with a huge smile on her face! She looked great! Honestly! No green prison clothes or rubber slippers. Her hair was down, not in a bun like it had been for the past 4 months. She was grinning ear to ear and so excited to see "Little Man". It has been 2 weeks and she was ready to love on him asap!

Returning to today, we sit in a living room each week. Pretty big and comfy. One wall lined with books and another with frosted windows you can't see in or out of. I sit on the couch and she usually sits on the floor with the baby. Here she can change him and feed him and play with him. I have 2 hours to watch her try to figure out what she is supposed to do with her son. It's very odd. There isn't anyone else in the room to fill up dead airspace. You can hear the ladies in the other room reading their journal entries to the support groups. Words like sober, pain, can't and help are repeated over and over again. My reality is not what it used to be. That is for sure.

To be continued....

I can't do the visit

There is a first time for everything but I did not have this one as a possibility.  I woke up with a huge migraine headache. It was a visit day and I always take "Little Man" to see his Mommy. Problem is, this migraine was the one I get about once a month and it lasts 3 days. The kind you can't even open your eyes or else you will vomit right where you stand.  There was no way I could drive. I called my Angel's worker and it was a simple "...call the social worker and let her know she will have to do the visit for you and provide transportation." Easy Cheesy right?! I stayed in my pajamas all day and waited for the transportation worker to pick up "Little Man". 15 minutes till their expected arrival my stomach started to turn. I began to think about what was really going on. Some stranger is going to take my baby and won't be back for hours!! Ummm... OK. Praying was the only immediate solution I could muster strength for. I can only hope the Big Guy will watch over "Little Man" for me and bring him back safe and sound. So, his worker shows up with an assistant for help with the transport. A young guy, very nice. OK, they are gone. The door shuts and I am relieved to be able to sleep with no worries of the baby waking but on the other hand...where is my baby??

A few hours later, I wake up and Erwin is home with "Little Man" in his arms. The transport and visit went smoothly. The workers even had a chance to sit down with Erwin and share some details about the case. Funny thing though, right when Erwin opened the door upon their return, he couldn't help but recognize the assistant social worker. It happened to be one of his students from a few years back. Andy said the car in the driveway looked familiar but dismissed it thinking it just couldn't be Mr. Mac. The two caught up a bit and laughed at this crazy reunion. Later, Erwin told me how impressed he was at the man this once unruly student had become.  Our "Little Man" was in safe, caring hands. The Big Guy took care of things after all.

Good Night!
:) Amy

The check is in the mail

Money is always a question that comes up when people find out we are foster parents. "Do you have to pay for all of his stuff?"  "How much money do you make?"  "You get paid right?"
I don't get offended by these questions. I am actually amused. They usually come from people who don't understand why we are taking care of other people's babies to begin with. And then add the fact that we don't get paid for it... Phew, that really throws them. Bottom line is this. It's not a secret that I have always wanted more kids. People know that I adore being a Mom! A lot of people know that I am obsessed with helping everyone. Helping with the good days and the bad days. I just enjoy serving others. Well, there it is.  I am able to be a Mom and help other families at the same time. Money has never been a part of any of this equation. It still isn't today.

My answer to the questions is always the same. "We don't get paid to Foster. We do get a stipend from the County to reimburse us for the costs of raising the child. It covers the diapers, the clothes, the extra food, the gas for all the visits and Dr's appts, etc. "Little Man" is covered through MediCal and he is signed up for WIC which takes care of his formula and most of his food. So, no we don't have extra money in our pockets. We just have extra love in our heart and home." All of this comes through with the same smile on my face. It's honestly a measly detail for us. Well, most of the time.

"Little Man" came to us October 26th of last year. That would be 4 weeks before Thanksgiving, 5 weeks before Abby's birthday and 8 weeks before Christmas. Needless to say, expenses were flowing. The check doesn't come right when you get a child. Not only were we given 6 hours notice that there was a 2-day old ready for us to pick up from the hospital but he was coming to us with a onesie and a blanket from the hospital. It got kind of crazy scrambling for hand me downs, diapers and many other little things. Angel's always brings an amazing goody bag with lots of donated items. Clothes, formula, diapers, etc. It lasts for about 2 weeks. The county takes so long!! We didn't receive any compensation till the 2nd week of December. I can't tell you how exciting it was to find that check in the mailbox. Oh baby! We could breathe and our holidays could commence.

"Why do you put yourself through that?" I respond the only way I know how,"Who else is going to?" In February, Angel's had to turn away 3 babies that needed homes. For us, it's not an option not to.  There are so many more ups than there are downs. It's just worth it, every step of the way.

Good Night!
:)Amy