Jumping In!

I'm so afraid...
 ...He's going to forget me.
 ...He's going to be mad at me.
 ...He's going to go crazy just having his biomom around.
 ...She is going to mess up and he is going to pay the price.
 ...This case is going to go another 2 years.
 ...I'm going to start resenting "Little Man", the system, Angel's.
 ...I'm not going to be able to handle this reunification.



The list could go on and on. Thoughts go through my head constantly, specially on those bad days. The bad days came pretty quick as unsupervised visits went from 4 hours to 6 hours to overnights. Not having him here at night was very odd. Something was missing. It was super quiet! I looked at my phone a lot. During the last few weeks of these visits "Little Man" ended up with a few scratched and random bruises. Some had reasonable stories, others not so reasonable. None of them were taken into account on judgment day.  "Little Man" always did "great" at his visits with his biomom. No problem sleeping, no tantrums, just peachy! There is absolutely no way it was that "great". He hates going to bed. Every night! But it just doesn't matter anymore. The days are slipping away from us and he is going back home. I had to deal with that and fast.


Oh but what would this case be without a little fork in the road, right? And oh what a doozy! It's time for the TDM. Team Decision Meeting. I'm scared out of my mind and I have no idea what to expect since the game has changed people! The game has changed. (did change... reminder that this all happened months ago. I'm still catching you up.)

Where have you been all my life?

I thought I would address the extensive time lapse in between posts. So much went on from the end of July through September 4th.  I honestly couldn't think of writing any of it down.  All I had were emotions. No words. Just emotions.  I'll try my best to catch you up...

So, we found Baby Daddy and he started to have visits with "Little Man". And he also helped to delay the court process for BioMom. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe those emotions. How could anyone who was supposedly putting the child's well-being first, let this go on and on and on, delaying the inevitable for "Little Man" which is leaving the only family he knows. Then at some point in August I'm told that if I were to say that I'm going to adopt him that the count would stop pursuing BM and BD and place him with us.  WHUUUT?!?! Well, there ya go. The solution is clear. We adopt him to keep him from this lifestyle that can only lead to a challenging childhood for him.  Right? Uh.... Wrong!! That would be the only reason we would adopt him. Let me reiterate that he is our son. He will always be my son and I will always be his Momma. But as a parent, love is not enough. And I have know this from the start that we are not looking to grow our family permanently. And I need to remind myself that if we did adopt we would be done fostering. 3 kids is a lot. I can't imagine 4, 5 or 6 kids.  My friends and cousins that have these large bee-utiful families are my heroes.

(Back to my "Little Man".) Hopefully, everyone that reads this knows or has heard of someone who grew up in a not so great neighborhood with a not so great family or even no family at all, but turned out to be a successful adult.  That is what I am going to have to be comfortable with every night when I go to sleep. 

Got Sleep?

(written Monday night)

3am and I have been lying in bed for over an hour.  Yes, I took a late nap but I take them when I can get them.  I haven’t been able to sleep well or nap well since we dropped him off. I’m out of my sleeping pills but I keep forgetting to call it in for more.  Easy fix on any other day.  I have the Nyquil handy but that just seems a little bit desperate and shady.  I decided to come downstairs, pop open a bottle of wine and start typing. I’ve put it off or way too long.  Oh ya and I’ll munch on some Monster Mix from Target and watch ‘Breaking Down the Bars’. 

I get to pick up “Little Man” Thursday morning. I’m a nervous wreck. It will be 4 weeks to the day that I last hugged and kissed my sweet foster son. Longest 4 weeks of my life. I can honestly say it has felt like 6 months.  Biggest fear is him not wanting to come with me.  Or crying for Mommy (BioMom) after we leave his home.  I have lots of supporters telling me I’m crazy for thinking that.  And when I stop to really think about that I had him for a little under 2 years I tell myself there is no way he won’t want to see me or come with me.  I guess I will find out in 3 days. 

Not sure where to back up to, to catch up on this story. Going to figure it out and bring ya along. You won’t believe the ups and downs we have been through. But you will sure want to read about it.  We still shake our heads at all we have learned and witnessed through loving “Little Man”.     

Help for me... What?

    One of the neat programs that is available for foster families and biological families to help with visitation are stand alone visitation centers.  They are located all over the county.  Most non-foster people don't even know they are there. These places are available for visits with the families so you can be in a neutral location that feels a bit safer and more open, than say the park that someone was just stabbed at last night. (not an exaggeration - just another day in the life of me) The foster parent can do the supervising or with permission from the CSW, you can schedule a worker there to supervise. Another great piece is they actually have transport workers who will come and pick up the foster child wherever you are.  They will then take the child to the visit and supervise if necessary and return the child afterwards.  I have been asking for this for a long time.  I have been NEEDING this for longer. I finally got it! Help with BioDad's visits. Now I am down to dropping off and picking up "Little Man" for BioMom's visits only.  Phew or so I thought.


    The car pulled up on time to pick up "Little Man" as she instructed me last week.  Good start. I had been trying to get him to be excited to see his BioDad but he didn't seem to catch on today.  The transport worker looked so familiar.  We figured out she had picked up another Angel's baby from a Momma's group that I attend weekly.  She recognized me too. Very comforting. I explained that I noted some things for BioDad and it was in "Little Man's" backpack. Yes, I went overboard and wrote some notes on a 3x5 card. Stuff like when he woke up and if he had eaten and new words he has been babbling. After that, I handed him to her and asked what I was supposed to do next.  She instructed me to stay in the house and she would be back after the visit. I closed the door almost all the way after blowing kisses to a very confused 20 month old face. I could hear the worker speaking to him. She had a toy in the car for him. She told him they are going to have a fun little drive, and they were going to visit his BioDad. (she used his nickname but I'm going to keep that private) Then they drove away.


    BLAH! My stomach started grumbling and I truly felt like I was going to puke. I just let a stranger (sort of) drive away with my son. Only once have I had someone else take "Little Man" to a visit for me. I think he was 3 months old and I was sick as a dog. I have always been the one supervising and driving.  It seems this "help" comes with new emotions I wasn't expecting.

SPELLCHECK PEOPLE

I just don’t understand why people can’t take the minute to press the spell check button before they hit send or print.  Even important websites that are trying to get a poignant message
across like …

“PROTECT THE POOR”

“IJM JOINS GLOBAL DEVELOPMENT GROUPS, CIVIL SOCITY GROUPS AND WOMEN'S ORGANIZATIONS IN ENCOURAGING THE UN TO PURSUE INITIATIVES THAT ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THOSE IN POVERTY.”

FOUND

    Found: One young drug-addict male, recovering on own, with baby picture that looks EXACTLY like “Little Man”, who is very interested in taking a DNA test to claim paternity of said child.

    Baby daddy option #4 was a winner. The winner of a county supplied atty and possibly services to help him through his recovery towards possible custody of his son who for 20 months has called another man Da-Da. Prior to him wanting visits, I wanted nothing to do with him. I never made eye contact with him at the two court hearings I attended. I knew he was there. He knew who I was since BioMom would acknowledge my presence. Why didn’t I want to meet him? Easy -- I didn’t want or need to care about another human being till I knew I had to care about another human being. Cold? Maybe. Boundaries? For sure!

    He’s a kid.  That for me makes it worse cuz I’m a Mom and a teacher’s wife.  Kids are part of our life every single day.  (the obvious ones aside) I just wonder if he is going to stick it out through this chaotic life BioMom has created for "Little Man”.  My feelings are on the plus side. I hope I’m right. 

Catchin' up on the 4th

True compassion is not just an emotional response, but a firm commitment founded on reason. Therefore, a truly compassionate attitude toward others does not change, even if they behave negatively. Through universal altruism, you develop a feeling of responsibility for others: the wish to help them actively overcome their problems. --- His Holiness the Dalai Lama

    Last week was the first unsupervised visit since BioMom screwed up in January.  I have had the pleasure, uh-hem, of supervising since March. Two 2hr visits each and every week. I’m not even sure when the last time I blogged.  (typing while waiting for an appt in my car with no wifi) I can’t see “Little Man” till noon today and he started off with clinging to my leg when we walked in the door to an attachment therapy appt for BioMom. 3^rd visit in a row he cried as I left. Only saving grace is he was with the awesome therapist who sees all that I see with BioMom and ”Little Man”. 
    What should you know to catch you up? Umm… “Little Man” turned 20months this week. Yep, we still have him.  Nope we are not adopting him. Yes, it’s going to be ridiculously hard on us when he leaves but more so for him.  That is when the prayers are going to have to come double time. So rest up my friends! No, I’m not stronger than you. Maybe I’m less strong without the ability to say NO! lol… Naaaa… just love being a Mom. 
    Ok, next… “Little Man” has a Daddy.  Well, a Baby-Daddy-Uncle. I can’t explain. It is so crazy that the county and my agency have had a hard time wrapping the details around their heads.  If anyone involved typed in a few specifics for a Google search, they would be able to find my blog immediately. No bueno! This would be one reason for no blogging for several weeks.  I can say I didn’t need front row seats for Maury Povich to experience the show. I’m livin’ it!! A great thing or two has come from the drama as of late.  BioDad is a great guy (age <20) who is really excited (kid in a candy store) that he has a son.  In my opinion who wouldn’t be excited that they could claim “Little Man” as their own?! He has started services voluntarily (clean for 3 months.)  Has a supportive family who seems to be alright in the grand scheme of things. My biggest hang up with BioDad is when he came forward he became the reason for 2 delays of terminating BioMom’s services. And now she has unsupervised visits. But more on that later.
   I hope I still have my readers.  Thank you for patiently waiting. I am just as surprised as you how this case keeps progressing. I never thought I would gain all this experience in one case. Lucky me??