Prep for "Goodbye Day"

I began packing his things. Toys he loves, books he eats, blankies he sucks on… I packed away the clothes that don’t fit and gave her most of the clothes that do fit because I know she doesn’t have many.  In the back of my mind, I am thinking that these clothes will smell like my home and give him some kind of comfort through this change.  Other thoughts also go through my mind like, heck no I’m not giving her these Ralph Lauren jeans. She will just sell them and make money for herself. I’m so petty. I only paid $4 for them at a consignment shop. But she doesn’t deserve Ralph Lauren jeans.  Plus, what if he comes back? I am going to need things for him to where. Really, there was no shortage of clothes for her or for me to keep.  I made a bigger deal out of it than I should of.  I pulled out his bin of baby things.  Toys that his grandma would bring him. His first outfit from the hospital. The clothes his BioMom bought him. His Easter basket, his Xmas stocking and all of his hospital belongings including his bracelet with his D.O.B., weight and length printed on it.  So many more things I kept for him.  All the things I would have kept for my own child.  Crying was an expected part of the packing.  Crying because every parent cries when their baby grows up. Looking back at how tiny he was. The socks and hats were teensy.  Crying because every parent hates when their child has their first sleepover right? Mine just happens to be 21 months old instead of 7yrs old.  Crying because I know deep deep down in the pit of my stomach that this is not what’s right for him. His BioMom is not going to be able to handle this.  He is headed for a rollercoaster no child should ever have to ride. And although I am strong and had him in my arms, there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.  Nothing.

How we were going to actually do the hand off was a topic of conversation I had with many people.  I had no clue how we were going to do this.  Do we have lunch together and then say goodbye? Do we have the social worker pick him up and stay home to cry ourselves to sleep? (As I reread this for errors, I'm thinking "gosh did we have more questions than solid knowledge flowing?" Another freakin' question!) It continued... How are we going to do this?? The plan was made and it was executed as follows.  The morning of the kids still had school. We had made a drop off time for early afternoon giving me time to take the kids to school, pack up the rest of his things, drop him off and be back in time for kid pick up and the rest of our crazy day.

Do we want to know?

Erwin and I sat down many times throughout the last two years and talked vaguely about reunification. The details, that is.  We always knew he would be leaving.  As time went on, hoping it was to another family, we had to start breaking down into the details because it was almost go time. We always said, we wouldn’t be able to keep in touch with him if he goes back to bios because it would be super hard to watch him grow up lacking the basic needs we believe he should have.  Wait. Stop. It happens every day. Kids are raised in less than desirable environments. They sometimes leave and get on with a positive and fruitful life.  We get that.  But having a hand in the game and not being able to have a say just seems undoable for us. So, we will not be keeping in touch. Maybe ask for a picture now and then or an email with a little update. That will have to suffice for our hearts to not break. Who would have thunk that a week before we were to hand him over we would decide that maybe we can keep in touch once a month? Actually, I decided that I would keep in touch with BioMom and hopefully be given a visit with “Little Man” once a month. This has to be the healthiest way for him to know that we do love and care for him and will always be there should something fall apart along the way for his family.  Of course it was made a little easier when we were told by the SW that this family will be back in their offices.  "“Little Man” will be removed again." Ok. So she knows it’s not right for him to reunified, hence the recommendation for the past 21 months to terminate rights, but here you go unfit mother. Here’s your chance to breakdown your son before he can continue on with a semi-normal life.  Ok. I get it. What the heck??!!  …Side note… explanation to make that easier to digest came from conversations with various fosters. Veterans and newbies alike. See, BioMom has never had her son.  She messed up while she was prego but not while he has been alive outside of her. She has to be given a chance to “mother” him and most likely screw up before they can keep her away from him.  Makes sense huh? Don’t like it, but it makes sense. Don’t call me a bad mother if I’ve never had a chance to mother my baby. It makes sense to me and I would only hope I would be given the same chance.

Back to our role in his future…  If and when he is pulled from her custody again, we want to make sure he is not completely angry at us for abandoning him... Disappearing from his life.  By seeing him, he will know we are around and will protect him forever. Whether close or from a distance. Erwin is still not so convinced.  He wants nothing to do with BioMom. Ever. Totally understood. I will be the go between as I always have been.  'Gosh I hope I can handle this' was a final thought to many of my days before saying goodbye! I said it then and I say it now, even after I have seen him 3 times since he has returned.

Almost Done

In August we had all new experiences as a foster family.  To begin, we had our first TDM…Team Decision Meeting.  As I recall this meeting is usually held a few times throughout a case to keep everyone in the loop of the progress or lack thereof, at the same time. Yes, this was our first. Infuriating for me since it seems like this is going to be the only place where I am going to be free to speak when and how I would like to speak. One week exactly, from the date of this meeting, I rcve’d some crazy information. Nothing new there. Every piece of information is crazy with this case.  Looks like some rules are being broken. Hmmm… Visits are being had and people are involved in those visits that shouldn’t be. All that I’m now thinking is, here we go, this is the attny’s chance to stop the runaway train from crashing into reunification head on. On top of all this, I find out BioMom is expecting. 4 months along. I was right. I knew this about 2 months prior. This time I had to bring it up without jeopardizing my relationship with BioMom or revealing my source. I did what I had to do, after a few stomach aches and migraines. I brought it up to the appropriate people and NOTHING came of it.  I was assured the broken rules would be addressed at the TDM.  Ok. What about the “growing” issue with BioMom?  Well, that’s not a protection issue for “Little Man”. And, oh ya, it’s not an issue anymore. BioMom decided to eliminate the possibility this issue continuing for 5 more months. (Yes, you can shake your head right along with me.)

I arrive to the TDM with "Little Man". He has a visit immediately following this meeting. Someone from the county office will watch him in another office. A very long table, a white board and everyone involved sitting in the same room. Only one left out is “Little Man”, of course. Head of the table is the mediator. To her right is BioMom’s main support person. Someone she met in the last 2 years of her recovery. (Calling her Sheila because she looks more like a Sheila to me than her real name.)  Going around the table is BioMom, Ashley & Sabrina who are both young moms with a current relationship with CWS, two members of BioDad’s family, my agency worker, me, the social workers supervisor and the social worker. I happen to be seated directly across from BioMom.  As we are explained the rules of how this meeting with play out, I can’t help but look at her and wonder how she is going to handle being told that her case is now in jeopardy because she broke the rules. Will she know it was me that snitched?  Then, it comes to mind that I am the only one there who is on “Little Man’s” side. My worker is there to support me because I have never been to anything like this before. This means I am against everyone else in this room. Great! Here we go…

Quick and easy recap of the TDM: Nothing I said in the meeting mattered at all.  BioMom got slapped on the hands for breaking the rules and was told she “cannot do that anymore”. Oh ya, you read it right. No repercussions from doing what she was specifically told not to do and putting “Little Man’s” life in danger.  A plan was made and printed out for everyone to follow for the next 3 weeks.  About 2 more 8hr visits and the overnights will begin.  He will be reunified with his BioMom the day after her court hearing where the judge will agree with what the county has suggested.  The chart defining BioMom’s progress with pros vs. cons resembles the room quite literally. The list of Pros for her reunifying with “Little Man” is crossing over onto another page with notes on the side. The Cons?  10 of them.  Of which I named 8. The other 2 were the rules that were broken mentioned by the SW.  Really brought out by me earlier. Physically and on paper I was the only one there to fight for “Little Man”. Or you could say the only one against “BioMom”.  The only good thing that came out of this meeting is we have an exact schedule for the next 3 weeks visitation and I let BioMom know that we would like to be a part of “Little Man’s” life as long as she is ok with it.  This is going to happen no matter what now.

I believe... I believe... I believe... I don't believe

(Obviously I did not catch you up all the way... But we are up to August. I think...)

We have one more chance coming in the form of the court hearing we have been waiting for since April. This is the pre-trial conference before the hearing we have been waiting for since April. Here all parties, county, biomom, biodad and foster child are represented and relay their plans to the judge. They agree or disagree and either the judge can say "see you at the hearing" or "how about we just change it now and save everyone the time". Or he can order a continuance. We were told this is it.

"Mom has made great progress in little time. She has completed much of the reunification plan." Are you kidding me? That is all that is going through my head. I'm sitting in the back of the court room with the CASA trainees and other randoms that feel the need to be there. They have no idea I am the one who has raised this child whose name is never mentioned.  He is referred to as the "minor". Bottom line is everyone agrees to ANOTHER continuance since her overnights are close to starting and she is moving into her own place very soon. As soon as the judge ended the hearing, I got up and headed out. "Little Man's" attny followed me and as the door closed, I started crying out of pure sadness for my son. He is being dragged along like a ragdoll. Just hold on honey. Only another month! Whatever! The attny says she is not happy it has been continued again but has also warned the county that this is it. No more continuances. It's do or die! She has 3 weeks to get her schtuff together. She said something to me that explained this whole process. "You are playing Russian roulette with a child's life." That is how the attny felt and it was exactly how I felt. I'm so relieved she is on "Little Man's team" She seems to be the only other one besides myself that truly believes "Little Man" deserves better.

Jumping In!

I'm so afraid...
 ...He's going to forget me.
 ...He's going to be mad at me.
 ...He's going to go crazy just having his biomom around.
 ...She is going to mess up and he is going to pay the price.
 ...This case is going to go another 2 years.
 ...I'm going to start resenting "Little Man", the system, Angel's.
 ...I'm not going to be able to handle this reunification.



The list could go on and on. Thoughts go through my head constantly, specially on those bad days. The bad days came pretty quick as unsupervised visits went from 4 hours to 6 hours to overnights. Not having him here at night was very odd. Something was missing. It was super quiet! I looked at my phone a lot. During the last few weeks of these visits "Little Man" ended up with a few scratched and random bruises. Some had reasonable stories, others not so reasonable. None of them were taken into account on judgment day.  "Little Man" always did "great" at his visits with his biomom. No problem sleeping, no tantrums, just peachy! There is absolutely no way it was that "great". He hates going to bed. Every night! But it just doesn't matter anymore. The days are slipping away from us and he is going back home. I had to deal with that and fast.


Oh but what would this case be without a little fork in the road, right? And oh what a doozy! It's time for the TDM. Team Decision Meeting. I'm scared out of my mind and I have no idea what to expect since the game has changed people! The game has changed. (did change... reminder that this all happened months ago. I'm still catching you up.)

Where have you been all my life?

I thought I would address the extensive time lapse in between posts. So much went on from the end of July through September 4th.  I honestly couldn't think of writing any of it down.  All I had were emotions. No words. Just emotions.  I'll try my best to catch you up...

So, we found Baby Daddy and he started to have visits with "Little Man". And he also helped to delay the court process for BioMom. Frustrated doesn't even begin to describe those emotions. How could anyone who was supposedly putting the child's well-being first, let this go on and on and on, delaying the inevitable for "Little Man" which is leaving the only family he knows. Then at some point in August I'm told that if I were to say that I'm going to adopt him that the count would stop pursuing BM and BD and place him with us.  WHUUUT?!?! Well, there ya go. The solution is clear. We adopt him to keep him from this lifestyle that can only lead to a challenging childhood for him.  Right? Uh.... Wrong!! That would be the only reason we would adopt him. Let me reiterate that he is our son. He will always be my son and I will always be his Momma. But as a parent, love is not enough. And I have know this from the start that we are not looking to grow our family permanently. And I need to remind myself that if we did adopt we would be done fostering. 3 kids is a lot. I can't imagine 4, 5 or 6 kids.  My friends and cousins that have these large bee-utiful families are my heroes.

(Back to my "Little Man".) Hopefully, everyone that reads this knows or has heard of someone who grew up in a not so great neighborhood with a not so great family or even no family at all, but turned out to be a successful adult.  That is what I am going to have to be comfortable with every night when I go to sleep. 

Got Sleep?

(written Monday night)

3am and I have been lying in bed for over an hour.  Yes, I took a late nap but I take them when I can get them.  I haven’t been able to sleep well or nap well since we dropped him off. I’m out of my sleeping pills but I keep forgetting to call it in for more.  Easy fix on any other day.  I have the Nyquil handy but that just seems a little bit desperate and shady.  I decided to come downstairs, pop open a bottle of wine and start typing. I’ve put it off or way too long.  Oh ya and I’ll munch on some Monster Mix from Target and watch ‘Breaking Down the Bars’. 

I get to pick up “Little Man” Thursday morning. I’m a nervous wreck. It will be 4 weeks to the day that I last hugged and kissed my sweet foster son. Longest 4 weeks of my life. I can honestly say it has felt like 6 months.  Biggest fear is him not wanting to come with me.  Or crying for Mommy (BioMom) after we leave his home.  I have lots of supporters telling me I’m crazy for thinking that.  And when I stop to really think about that I had him for a little under 2 years I tell myself there is no way he won’t want to see me or come with me.  I guess I will find out in 3 days. 

Not sure where to back up to, to catch up on this story. Going to figure it out and bring ya along. You won’t believe the ups and downs we have been through. But you will sure want to read about it.  We still shake our heads at all we have learned and witnessed through loving “Little Man”.