The Visits Begin

PRE-NOTE--> Baby was in my care for a total of 5 days when an event occurred that has limited what I can share about this placement. It became a highly confidential case. --

The first official visit with BioMom at the Angel’s office was an eye opener. This is going to be the first time “Lucy” has seen her mom since she was in the hospital. It’s been a few weeks. I’m a ball of nerves. I can’t imagine what she must be feeling. She has been through a lot in the past few months and most definitely has "some splaining to do"!! 😉

“Lucy” smiled her little smile and kicked those chubby legs for her Mom. She had a wet diaper. I was hoping for a nasty dirty one that I didn’t have to change.  Babies seem to save those for me. Yay me! BioMom was able to give her a bottle and that’s when it started. Her head started to shake, just like she had done a few times before at home with me. She would take a drink for 5 seconds and then let go of the nipple and her head would go back and forth for about 3 seconds. Her entire feeding was like this while her Mom held her.  After that she burped and fell asleep.  Everything is fine right? The visit ended early upon BioMom’s request. She was tired and with the baby asleep she felt no need to be there. She thanked me and left.

I packed us up and headed to the lobby of the Angel’s office to speak to our CEO and out of nowhere “Lucy” started screaming uncontrollably.  She had been sleeping- what is going on? Then it happened again. Her head was shaking and I just knew this was a seizure. What I didn’t realize was it was a direct result of being with BioMom.  The CEO, who is also a foster parent, has seen this before. He agreed.  Being with BioMom took “Lucy” right back to where she used to be and right back to the atmosphere she was removed from. I’ve read it in books. I’ve seen it on TV and I’ve heard the stories. But it’s happening right in front of my face to my sweet baby girl. She is 3 months old and traumatized for all she was put through in the first 2 ½ months of her life.  Wow… So sad. So sad.  There WILL be extra snuggling tonight. 

Cuteness Alert... A lot to say today

So there is this app that my foster momma friends and I use to talk to each other 24/7. No, really… if our phones are not on silent at night, there is a large possibility that a sudden stream of buzzing will wake you up at 3am. Babies gotta eat, some refuse to sleep and a Momma has to vent. Out of 12 of us on this group chat at least 2 of us our awake at any hour. There are mornings we’ll wake up with 30-40 messages. Having these ladies available at all times is not only good to share a good “WHAT IS WRONG WITH THIS KID?!” But it is also amazing when you get that call for a squishy and you are slated to go to pick up alone. Usually when one momma is staring at her phone waiting for the buzz of Angel’s, all of us are staring at our phones waiting for the buzz of the app. This baby pick up was going to have to be a  solo pick up. Volleyball trumps Squishy pick up! Luckily, my SuperAmazing Momma K met me at the hospital to bring this little bundle home. I was so freakin’nervous. (It’s already done and over with and my stomach is turning.) I had the diaper bag packed with some 0-3 month pjs, wipes and a swaddle blankie of course. I still have no idea what to expect besides the fact that she has passed all the exams from the Neorologist, Internalist and Opthamologist. 

We weren’t sure Momma K was going to be allowed to be in the room with me to pick her up due to confidentiality but we were for sure going to try. Floor 4 I think. I told the nurse at the station who I was and she directed me to the next station down the hall.  The hospital social worker will meet me there. They told me the room #, my nurse would be in there. I’m not sure I will ever get used to the hospital cribs.  The 3 foot silver bars and a white sheet covered mattress. Nothing else but the hospital room machines to look at. There she was laying on her back, slightly covered by a standard issued scratchy, rough, white blanket with blue and pink stripe down the center. At this point I am not sure what I was going to call her in my blogs and to strangers inquiring about her. But darn she was a cutie!! Dark brown curly hair, pale white skin and a little bit of a smile as I peeked over the rail. I just stood looking and Momma K reminded me I could pick her up. She’s mine now. This cutie is long and light. Here it goes.  The questions start flowing in my brain non-stop… I wonder if her Mom or Dad is the tall one? I wonder what happened to her? Did anything happen to her? She looks completely normal. She is sooo cute! She’s mine? Oh my! She’s mine.

After that 10seconds of holding her, I glanced over at her teensy wrist and all I could think was “Why is my birthdate on her ID bracelet?” Yep, her and I share a birthday. So chilling and so cool!  Momma K and I just giggled. There was a baby carrier sitting on the floor next to the window with a baby bag overflowing with stuff.  Now all the protocol and policy stuff starts to run through my mind. I have to inventory it all and make sure I grab everything in the room that is babies. Why is there a solid glass egg paperweight in the diaper bag? LOL… Momma K and I couldn’t help but laugh. A dirty feeling blanket, an open container of formula, an open bottle of water and so much more was shoved in this bag. Most of it normal and some a bit surprising. All this time the nurse is going through her paperwork and is now ready for me to sign baby girl out. I do. The Dr. comes in and gives me the low down on her condition and what she was kept overnight for. “Nothing I should have to worry about.” I have a few follow-up appts to make on Monday. Then it was done. She was legally mine and she was cleared to leave the hospital. I got the usual “Thank you so much for taking her. You have such a big heart. I don’t know how you do what you do.”  And then before we knew it we were out the doors with an almost 3 month old baby girl. Oh ya, without anyone checking our ID.

Another New Start

Back in November, I took two, almost three weeks and went on vacation all by myself up in Northern California. I ain't got no job! I ain't got no baby! I ain't got &/"# to do! Erwin took on the role of mom and dad while I took care of me. Well, it ended up that my friends and family took care of me. Boy am I thankful they did! 
I got to see my nephews play soccer! Surprising them and my brother & sis-in-law at the games was awesome! No one knew I was coming. I drove by old friends and old boyfriends houses. I spent amazing time with my bestie of 30yrs. She helped bring my laugh back and we got our craft on. I saw my mom and my sister, my niece & nephew. Then I spent an incredible week with my Aunt and Uncle. That is where I got all my sleep, gained some weight from all the delicious meals I was showered with and just felt extremely loved and comforted by two of the most important people in my life!! I almost forgot this was followed up by a whole week away with my husband and kids too. This all was essential for my fresh start with the Foster Mom hat on. Lucky duck I was! 

So they say Friday is the busiest day of new babies going into the Foster system. I guess I can believe in that since my last three placements were picked up on a Friday. And wouldn't ya know the phone rang! About 10am... On a Friday in December. I grabbed my pen and notebook answered Angel's call and I had a decision to make.  A baby girl - 2 months old at Childrens Hospital. A few more specialists need to check her out but she will most likely be released tonight. Oh boy!! I mean Oh girl!!

Back at the Ranch

Our life had been hectic to say the least.  For the first 2 weeks after our Goodbye Day with "Little Man", I did lots of sleeping and resting.  Volleyball, soccer and school for the kids filled my other waking moments.  Then, to occupy my time and help out some Foster parents our family did Respite Care for a total of 6 kiddos.  One at a time, of course over 5 weeks or so. It brought me to one conclusion... NO TODDLERS! I wouldn’t even take in a 10 month old. Suffice it to say these littles were just what we all needed to take our aching hearts off “Little Man”.  The difficult piece was not knowing what these littles have endured in their short lives before spending a few nights with me. I am set in wanting to only foster newborns. Brand-spankin’ new from the hospital please. I thought I was helping others when in the end it was I who was learning and gaining the benefits of all this LOVE.

Fast forward to three months ago, I attended “Little Man’s” final hearing. I walked in hoping they would either extend the case or remove him from his BioMom’s care. I still didn’t think she was ready or capable of being his Mother and maybe six more months of counseling and hand holding will help that. Maybe being the keyword. I walked out of the court room disheartened from the outcome, but relieved at the completion.  Six months after handing him over “Little Man’s” case has officially been closed. No more court involvement unless BM strays off her path of positive growth.  It is finally over. Or so I hope.

Goodbye Day - Part 2

Oops...
Okay…. We are going back to where I left off months ago. Saying Goodbye to our 3^rd Angel Baby…

We ate our pancakes. “Little Man” felt much better. Who doesn’t feel better with pancakes? I made plans with BioMom to meet up at the trolley station where we normally did drop offs and pick-ups. That decision was harder than I expected it to be.  I felt this to be the best place because it was in public.  That meant I couldn’t be a crying fool till I got in the car. It’s a place people don’t hang out for hours. There would be no expectations to stay a little longer.  And especially for “Little Man”, it was a regular drop off place. He was familiar with it. He expected Mommy to be there. He expected me to say goodbye. He expected to go home with her.

Erwin picked us up along with the rest of his belongings. I had packed up most of it in the days prior. There was so much. He was spoiled by us and the rest of our family. I wanted to make sure his things were with him so he felt more comfortable being away from me.  I had also saved things since the day he came to us.  His coming home outfit, his first Christmas outfit, his Christmas stocking, his Easter basket, etc.  I made sure to save all the gifts his Mommy and other family members had given him too. Needless to say there were about 3 boxes and quite a few grocery bags for BioMom to take home. BioMom was in the parking lot waiting for us with a friend who drives. This way she could take his things easier.

Erwin unpacked our car and packed up hers. I don't think he made much eye contact with her. I gave her some information about the things I packed for him.  Bags she could hold off going through and ones she needs to open immediately. Then it was time for me to hand over "Little Man".  The last time I would be in this position with him.  I looked him in the eyes and told him I loved him so much. I think I said it till he started to get irritated with me. It makes me giggle to this day. I told him I would see him later and to have fun with Mommy.  I watched him as he hugged Erwin and got into his carseat in the other car.  I turned to his BioMom and she had tears in her eyes.  That was not going to make things any easier for me.  This girl has only cried two other times in these 22 months. They are always real tears. I told her to wipe her tears an knock that 'bleep' off! She laughed. I told her in a very strong tone that she needs to do right by this baby boy. That she is going to make mistakes but its ok.  If those mistakes are bigger than she can handle then she needs to call me. I will be there for "Little Man".  But I made her promise me to call me. It's ok to call me. I reminded her that I didn't want  him to be sent back into the system or the local children's center. Call me! She promised me. We hugged. We cried. We said Goodbye.

He's My Son

I don’t know anyone who can handle a little one crying out of sadness. There is that sound that just eats at your heart as they cry for you. Now add in the fact that the cry is coming from my son. My previous foster son that I loved and cared for, for 22 months straight. He knew no other love than mine for the first 6 weeks of his life. We see him at least once a month. Sometimes more, especially during school breaks when E has time to spare. But we always take him home. He is not forever ours. Even though when I leave him for any extended period of time my parting words are “I love you Forever”.

He has been reunified for 9 months and 5 days. Whenever he is with us and you ask him if he wants to stay or go, he has never once said he wants to go. Never once has he chosen Mommy over Momma. (I am Momma) He is NOT my son. He is hers. But he has my heart and I will never ask for it back. I don’t know how to do that nor do I think I am equipped with those parts.  The parts I do have ache deeply as I sit in the left hand turn lane, 7 blocks from his house and he begins to whimper and stare out the car window. He knows that left hand turn lane like the back of his hand. His brother, sister, Momma and Daddy don’t live over there.  His Mommy and some other random people live there. They don’t care for him like we do. They don’t have time for him in their lives like we do. They don’t see him like we do. Like really SEE him. 

I guess for now, I will just make sure that he knows we do SEE him! We do have time for him! We do care for him! And we will love him forever!!

Oh How Things Have Changed

For example, I’m sitting typing this in the Laundrymat because my washer has been broken for 6 weeks. Really? Oh ya! 6 FRIGGIN’ WEEKS!! This is our third trip here and hopefully our last. Washer guy is coming tomorrow afternoon between 1 and 5pm and it will be our 7^th attempt at fixing it. We have already had 3 different techs at the house. One idiot, one super driven, ADHD fun to talk to guy and one veteran from Boston who I decided that no matter who it was I was shake his hand so hard that he would be scared to do anything other than fix my machine. Hey, I can get BIG when I wanna be. Watch out! Well, it didn’t work. It was a solid handshake but he decided to give us a 3^rd diagnosis and ordered a 3^rd part. I wonder who we will get tomorrow??

My life is a bunch of guesswork right now.  Erwin’s volleyball club is up and running actually at the end of its first season. He pretty much knows what he is doing but every now and then a parent shows up with a little wrench to throw our way. We just hang on and go with the flow. The kids are as unpredictable as ever as they head into teen-dom! NOT my favorite age by the way… I have to guess when events are happening or if something important is going on at school, for example a minimum day where I might need to be in the area to pick up said teen or preteen. Then we have fostering, which if you know the foster world or have read any of this, you know that is the 2^nd descriptive word of Foster life. You never know what’s going to happen. And our most recent Angel Baby was double the guesswork as you will soon read. 

Basically as I read, things really haven’t changed. WE live our life day to day and accept things as they are handed to us. Sometimes understanding that God doesn’t give us things we can’t handle and other times wondering why He trusts us so much.  But we are here to live another day and I’m finally back on the road to sharing our story.