When to throw in the towel

Over and over I am hit with the thought, "Is now the time?" Is now the time to give in? Is now the time I stop believing it will ever change? Is now the time to say it all and not regret a word? Is now the time to end it? Is now the time to say "you are crazy Amy! You can never give up!" Hell if I should know. You would think after asking myself that question for years that I would have the answer or at least be a bit closer to it. When do you stop believing? When I ask that question in my head of course, I always hear others respond "never stop believing!" And then I think how stupid that is. Of course we don't stop believing that one day a dream can come true. But what if every day for many many MANY years someone walks in your door and says directly to you that "IT IS NOT EVER HAPPENING"! Isn't there a time you can look back at that person and say ok, next dream. I might be at that point. Such the Pollyanna I am. Really, I have had many people refer to me as such. Not bad. I actually like it. Only problem being that it makes for a long, exhausting ride home. Ive taken that road home so many times, one wonders how I or anyone else can continue to refer to me as Pollyanna. Ive also been the type of person who truly feels that what I don't know won't hurt me. Although, it seems that once I find it out, I'm floored. I'm flattened. All the air is sucked right from me. Being naive is kind of a trait I have mastered while really in the know. Naive or being in denial? Same thing or totally different? I have asked this question numerous times, too many to obviously count. Why me? hahaha. I know a lot of people have. But someone always answers to me, a real person really answers when I ask them this, because that's just who you are. I keep going back for more, why? Because that's just who you are. You don't just give up and walk away. When do I stop? When does anyone stop? Maybe you stop but you don't close the door all the way? No, Ive tried that before. Doesn't work. You can't do something almost all the way. You gotta turn right or left. You can't turn the wheel kinda left and a little right or SMACK! right into the building on the corner. And we all know how much I hate a car accident.

Here I am at 130 in the morning full knowing I have to go to a dr appt at 845am. I sit in a little bit of discomfort since I have a kidney stone chillin' in my right kidney. Yep, chillin. I need to take my meds and be comfortable in my bed so I can get to my appt tomorrow. 3 stones in 5 months. Can you beat that? lol. I ask as if someone will answer. I keep believing as if something will change. Should I even try to type the words 'move on'. Nothing will change and I am not the only one in the entire world who has fought so hard that they have nothing left to give! Not even a ratty old white flag to wave! It's gone. It's all gone. And I think it's almost ok. I will not wither away. I will not be any less than I was 4 days ago, or 4 years ago. I am more. I am truthful and I am stronger because of it. That fight, that strength is now going to rebuild itself to be used another day for something that will change. Something that will benefit me. Something I believe will make me into the woman, mother, wife, friend that I was always meant to be but was never sure enough that I could be. I'm 35 and tomorrow is another day. That I believe...

Friday Night -- Yee Haw!

I am so tired after this crazy long week. Got back from Brentwood, in the hills that is, on Monday evening. I had a sore throat and felt like I had a good cold. Tuesday woke up and said heck no I won't go...and either are the kids! I honestly coulnd't even think about putting shoes on with my pajamas, barking morning orders and driving the kids to school. So, we all got some much needed sleep and rest. Remind me to never take a late flight in on a school night. Kids can handle it, but mamma can not! I never got out of bed on Tuesday. The cold hit me like a tons of bricks. The angel's were shining down and guided my kids down the perfect behavior path. They came when I called them. They got me water. They asked when they wanted to eat or watch TV. Why do I have to be sick for all this to happen? Wednesday was a recovery day for me to get back to normal and the kids to get to school and then catch up on homework. Thursday the weather took center stage. 80 and up and the air conditioning came on! Thank goodness we have air! Our neighbors just got theirs installed today. Im super happy for them and feel like celebrating too! I don't know what we ever did without it. Well, I do know. We walked around with almost nothing on and sweat like pigs. Sleeping was a nightmare back then. And sheets were all we used with every window open throughout the whole house. Open at night and close them in the morning. No mas! Im looking forward to having only one planned event this weekend. And it is not even for us. But is it ever really? I am sleeping in tomorrow. Hopefully Er will be home from volleyball practice before I wake up. Then a little bow making and bday present shopping. Nothing else mandatory I tell you! Nothing. Then there is Sunday. Then there will be 5 more wake-ups till Spring Break. Oh ya baby! School is off and so is Mom!

Rules

Time for bed for sure but I think about this every time I think about typing in a note. "When did I do my last entry? Is it too soon to write another one. No, I need to just wait till tomorrow." What the??? Their are no rules and 'Single Dad Laughing' just reminded me of that as I read his daily entry. Just write.

Today Abby and I went and got our nails done. Well, I got my fill and she got her manicure that she has been begging for since her 6th birthday I think. No, she had to have gone their at least once last year. Anyway, she loves Ms. Kendra. My nail lady/therapist. This activity is a very special one for Abby and strictly reserved for only special occasions. Her and I are headed north on Friday to attend my nephew and Godson's Baptism. He is my first Godchild and I am so blessed to have been asked by Jared and Deana. What a great feeling...mostly. Kind of makes me a bit old. Even older than me saying that I only have 4 1/2 years till I am 40. Well, wait. that looks weird that I just typed it. Either way, I can't wait to hold mi amor and love him and hug him and kiss him and squeeze him and name him George! That is from Bugs Bunny cartoons of yesteryear. hahaha. With Marvin Martian I think too. I will also get to see my other nephews which I cannot get enough of. I digress, Abby and I sat next to each other while we got our nails done and for a moment, she was 15. And we were spending some quality time chatting and relaxing without the boys. (I dropped off Ethan at the gym with Dad.) I think the nail salon will be the one place where I can be her friend. She can talk to me like I am her best friend. Tell me about the cutest boy in her class and not feel like Dad or her brother will walk around the corner and hear her secrets. We can drool over the cutest guys on TV and not seem foolish or uncool. Then, she suddenly asks for 2 more quarters for more skillets. (I'm not going to erase that because I said it while we were at the salon too... SKITTLES...not skillets.LOL) Hi, she is 7 again. Just like that. "Can we go to Subway?" Me: No. "Can we go to McDonald's?" Me: No. Back to reality. 7 years later people still tell her everyday that she is bee-utiful. Two people in my presence today. I think the biggest part is not her hair color or her skin tone, it's her light inside her soul. She shines it so bright that everyone can see it radiate through her eyes. She is fearless and strong and confident in who she is. She dances like no one is watching. What a gift I have in her.

Now, let's pray for a great trip up north. Let's pray for a calm, joyful Baptismal celebration and 1st Birthday for Zack. Mostly for D & J. Pray for well behaving mothers and fathers and in-laws! I'm tired and the Excedrin took away my oncoming headache. Time for bed. Looking forward to a shower tomorrow. lol...yep, a shower. This week has been one thing after another so very little time to take a shower. A moment in the life of a Work At Home Mom! Fun times I tell you.

Good Night...

Start # 453

This blog has been so many things. A place for me to vent. A place for me to empty my mind. A place to journal important and not so important events in our life. Today I read a blog I had read before. It is a mom who lost her husband 6 weeks ago to cancer. Now she is here raising her two kids and herself. No way...I can't do this alone. How she continues every day is a mystery to me. I have always told people, sarcastically of course, that I will never get a divorce or leave my husband because I am selfish and don't want to do all this alone. Honestly, I can't do it alone. Especially after having done it with him for almost 17 years! Half of my life! I couldn't imagine having to figure out the bbq outside. It would never be used again. I couldn't imagine having to take the car to Chuck's to get whatever failed fixed. That is his job. Not ever meant to be mine. I'm comfortable here in my world of this will never happen to me so I will stop worrying about it. Cozy.

Today, the kids looked a bit older as I took them to school in the 50* weather and pouring rain. My stomach was killing me and I just asked for silence while we waited in the long line of cars dropping off their kids. I am so glad that my kids allow me to drop them off at the curb. Goodness I am GLAD!I haven't had many tummy aches in the morning lately. Maybe that's a good thing. No, I know that's a good thing. Maybe it's a sign of long term improvement. That would be nice. I digress, the kids kept quiet but a few times I caught them whispering to each other. Much nicer than Abby leaning as far over her booster seat to try and reach Ethan on the other side of the car in hopes of smacking him or pulling his shirt. Those moments of sibling love are unmeasurable!

A long list of to-do's today. Ribbon store, ballet, Ethan to the dentist, scheduling appts for all of us including Ruby-girl, and definitely a nap. Which by the way will be happening sooner than I thought today. I am wiped!

Would love to keep this blog going. We all know I have lots on my mind. When do I not???

Night

Instead of me thinking about it and thinking about it, I am just going to start typing. Still stops me every time. Thinking. All I do is think about things and rarely do I ever act on those thought. Probably because I start thinking about something else right when I start to act on the thoughts.

This weekend was good I think. lol. Saturday and Sunday I woke up super early and went back to bed after some cereal and a load of laundry. I slept in but up before it was crazy late. The Macalaguim's spent the whole weekend together which is highly unusual. Now that the school gym is up and running, it will become a thing of the past. Girl's Volleyball is upon us. But for now, the weekend we just had was really nice. Kids did their Popping Class Saturday afternoon. Ethan is still in love with it. And does GREAT! Abby is not so into it. She has to stay in the same spot for an hour. Nope, not going to happen. Not when she hears music and is in a class of 20+ other kids. That's a party foul in Abby-World! She'll switch to Jazz in September. Then after some lunch we took Ruby to the dog park and watched her greet all the humans! Such a baby, i tell you.

Ethan had a sleepover at his BFF's house but I got the call at 1030pm to come pick him up. He was "homesick". I was glad in a weird way that I got to pick him up. Made me feel like a loving and all protecting mommy for the 9 yr old who barely gives me an "adios" when we get our of the car at school each day.

Sunday was even better. Slept in, woke up to my 49ers playing. My loving husband recorded it for me, since I never get to watch my football down south. We won! Yahoo! Kids laugh at me getting so excited, screaming, jumping off the couch at interceptions! I LOVE IT! After that I did my weed pulling that I have been wanting to do for months. Just never acted on the thought. I know I am going to be sore tomorrow. No going back upstairs for me. Kids were outside for hours while i was doing that. We visited with our neighbors and the kids all rode their bikes and scooters and played with dirt. We love our neighbors! That is probably 75% of the reason we have never moved. We just couldn't have asked for better neighbors. Really....it's awesome! At one time there were 6 kids in front of my house from ages 2 to 9. And 3 babies in tummies!! (not mine) lol.

We went and got some Rite-Aid ice cream. Nothing beats Chocolate Malted Crunch. Ethan would argue that LemonHead ice cream does. He loves it so much, he paid for his 2nd scoop with his own money! He is a lover of ice cream like his dad!

Home after that, painted some Abby fingernails -- Made some hairbows -- ate a super late BBQ dinner and enjoyed some Ninja Warrior and SYTYCD as a family. Now, I am putting my thoughts here so I can get to bed and sleep more than 4 hours. Monday's are NUTS. And like I said earlier ...Volleyball is here and I am now a Coach's wife. Kind of like a Navy wife except he comes home every night. Late, but home!

I do love my family. Now, I just have to pray pray pray that Erwin will agree to expand it! lol...

Till next time...Night!

Be Good

Do all the good you can, by all the means you can, in all the ways you can, in all the places you can, to all the people you can, as long as ever you can.
-John Wesley

A First Day

I found an outfit for Abby to wear right before bed and thank goodness, she approved. I didnt realize that I hadn't really bought her a "first day" outfit. Ethan, on the other hand, had gotten a "first day" outfit but didnt want anything to do with it.

Ethan: "Mom, I don't want to wear those shorts."
Me:"Come on Ethan, you can wear them to school, it's only a half day and you can change when you get home."
Ethan: "I don't like them."
Me: "They are cool! I bought them for you. The are hawaiian shorts."
Ethan: "I don't want to wear cool hawaiian shorts."
Me: "PLEEEASE for meee?"
Ethan: "Nope"
Me: "Why Not?"
Ethan: "They have flowers on them."

I lost that one cuz I knew I shouldn't make him wear flowers to school if he didn't want to.
I stayed up late as usual and made Abby's hairbow to match her outfit. I was pretty proud of how well it matched. Of course I checked the colors before I went to bed.

I woke up on time and Abby had been in our bed since Erwin left for work. Kids got up, Ethan gave himself a shower with only one reminder from me to wash his face and get going. I curled Abby's freshly cut short hair and added her new ribbon. She looked cute as could be. As I type this I realize that I may not have fed the kids breakfast. Really? Maybe Er fed Ethan, but I don't think so. Great! Point for greatest mom award 2010! Good thing I made them each take a snack even though they wanted to eat in the cafeteria today. Abby was pretty excited about that piece of first grade. She did not want to take a lunch.

Fast forward trough dropping off Ethan at his 4th grade classroom with his classmates he has had since Kinder, through walking Abby to her class while passing her favorite teacher Sra. Vasquez, through kisses and good mornings from mom friends and dad friends that I have gotten to know over the past 4 years at this school, through all the kids and parents saying "ABBY!" with big smiles on their faces, to standing outside Abby's class window. I couldn't leave, I couldn't cry, I couldn't take a deep breath and say "she is going to be great!" I just couldn't move. It has been the strangest feeling. Why am I worried about this little 6 yr old who is stronger and more confident that I was at 16?! I'm her Mom. I dropped my kids off for their 1st day of school. It's their 1st day of a year filled with lots of new things. New experiences. Ethan an upper grader and Abby gets to go to the BIG playground three times! Wow. It's crazy. It puts a pit in my stomach. Now I have the day to myself which I have been excited and anxiously waiting for all last year!

I told Ruby when I got home that I don't know what I would do if I didn't have her. She loves me and wants me to be with her and is going crazy, but at least she is not talking back and if I need to I can put her in her crate. That wouldn't have worked well with Abby.

So, this is a first for Abby, Ethan and Mommy and actually Ruby too. I thought I was going to be having a party. It may be awhile before I can party! Good thing it's a half day. I leave to pick them up in 3 hours. Just enough time for me to finish my first blog in a long time, enjoy a cherry turnover, a coke, some DVR'd shows and finish my white laundry!