Bits and Pieces

I think I am coming upon a weakness of mine within this Foster Care journey. As every day passes we sit and wait for instructions or information on what will happen next. For me, that works great. My anxiety that I fight in all other aspects of my life is kept at bay with all the last minute updates. (I'm a super-star with last minute anything!) The downside is it's only bits and pieces. We are not privy to any information at all. We don't have any rights to know anything accept the well being of our "little man".  This is killing me! I just want to know how the puzzle fits together is all. Why is Bio-Mom in jail? Why hasn't the Bio-Dad been found? Or maybe he has? Why wasn't "little man" given to his Bio-Grandma? I need to get over it. But it is going to be so hard. It really makes no huge difference to how we love and care for "little man". It will just satisfy my need to have answers.

Speaking of bits and pieces. It seems that is all I am able to give Bio-Mom when she makes her phone calls once a week. Prior to the actual call I am always going over our conversation in my head. I want to make sure I am giving her all the information that I would want to know myself if I were in her shoes. I talked to her once for about 3 minutes last week till my phone cut out. I felt horrible!! The one chance she gets to find out how her baby is and I drive down a road with no coverage! I left messages for his social worker and my social worker asking if she could have another call since it was my fault the call ended early. The second call was longer. All my practice "calls in my head" had no relevance. Bio-Mom asked the questions and I tried to give as much detail as I could. She was very interested in what he looked like. That was about it. It was very weird to have to edit my speech when telling a story. Instead of "Abby", it's "my daughter". Instead of "at the Volleyball game" it's "at the gym".  It all turns out to be bits and pieces of her baby's life. The conversation went well overall. I'm able to email her supervising Parole Officer pictures that she will then print out for her. That makes me feel good. After I hang up, I have to kind of evaluate how I did and how I am feeling. I need to back up and remember who I just spoke with. A drug addict who is incarcerated and had her child taken from her. My heart has been pulled back in and I am back to reality.

Nite Nite!
:)Amy

I'm TIRED!!

I'm tired people...so tired. But asking for help is completely out of the question of course. Why would I make things easier for myself? I'm tired mentally, physically and definitely just headed into the emotionally exhausted mode.

"Little Man" is not the sleeper we always hoped for. I think we have it narrowed down to bad digestive system. He seems to get the worst gas pains in the evening. We have started the Mylecon treatments hoping it's the trick. --- That was 2 weeks ago. No solutions here. Still our little almost 6 week old has stuck to his every 3 hours, 4 oz and well into the night. I get to the frustrated point a few times a week. Mostly the days where I don't get a nap to re-fuel! I just wish he could tell me exactly what he is feeling. Is it his belly? Is it the abdominal hernia? (Nice huh? Dr notes "Don't worry, unless he is in pain." And I am supposed to know that how?) Or maybe he is hungry? In the middle of the check-off list I remember he is only 4 weeks and 5 weeks old. He is still figuring things out. Chill Momma Chill!

During the day he is a sweet sweet boy and everyone around him has begun their deep deep love affair. This translates into very little effort on my part when we are out and about. Moms take a number just to get a few minutes of his chubbiness in their arms. I'm beginning to get the "he's big for his age..."comments. I just respond with, "We like the 2 or 3 chins look!" lol... I'm not sure what a baby looks like without 2 or 3 chins, come to think of it. ;)

Looking forward to the weekends. This is when Erwin is home and able to do the morning feedings and let me sleep in. Sooo good!!

"Little Man" has been to Sea World, high school volleyball playoffs, soccer games and next week we are going to Tea in La Jolla! Unfortunately the day before Tea we are going to Jail. My first visit, my first time in jail for any reason and I have no idea what to say or do. Should be nothing less than interesting!

:)Amy

New Things

When the phone call comes in we don't get a ton of information about the Angel we are about to save. A few basics that will help us make the decision to pick up the baby or not. Our sweet "Little Man" comes with very few medical issues but a long road of family issues we fear. Bio-Mom is in the picture although incarcerated. We don't know of a Bio-Dad yet. Probably because Bio-Mom is not an adult as of yet. She has chosen the hardest life I can imagine if I was a kid. "Little Man" has had no complications and looks absolutely perfect. He has some hair on his little round head. It's a light brown and even though it's not blonde or red and there are no freckles on his tiny cheeks, he could be mistaken as my own.

Picking him up was pretty much what I expected. Paperwork, instructions on caring for a newborn, more paperwork, etc. Until, I'm told that Bio-Mom wants to meet me. Ok I can do this. As long as Kathleen, my Angel's worker is right next to me. We walked into her hospital room and she is hysterically crying and shaking. Crying because a total stranger is taking her baby. Shaking because she has not had a hit in at least 2 days. When I looked past that I saw one of Erwin's students. One of our Volleyball players. This is insane. I introduced myself, first name only. I explained that I had two kids of my own and my husband and I are not interested in having anymore kids but we are going to be taking care of babies that need us. I told her how I will be feeding him, loving him, keeping him warm and most importantly waiting for her to get her things together so I can return him to her.  Kathleen explained how I will be the only family "Little Man" will ever be with till she gets him back. She just nodded her head and started to ask some more legal questions of Kathleen. She was looking for some reassurance that everything will be ok and she will get him back. So sad, since I knew deep down that she might not. When her door closed behind me, I took the biggest breath! Almost as if I had been holding my breath the entire time.

2 days later "Little Man's" social worker calls and informs me that visits aren't the first priority right now. Bio-Mom is now in jail for about 30 days. Awe man! I felt horrible. What more can this girl go through?! 5 days after that, another call comes in... we will now have "Little Man" in our life well into the new year. What is going on? No one knows yet.  But I do know that we have come upon a whole new journey. Lots to learn and lots of love to give.

Bright side - we have received a bee-utiful baby boy as an early Christmas gift. But it really is time to get my training binder out and study up on how things might be going. New things and fun times I hope.

Nite! Nite!
:)Amy

How do I do this??

Who is this sweet sweet "Little Man" I am holding? He is so tiny and such a boy! All these memories of my "Baby Girl" are flooding my mind and I am trying to fight it by staring at "little man".  I don't feel the same way as I did about her. Not to mention how do I take care of a 2 day old? Why isn't he drinking all of his measly 2oz? His diaper isn't wet enough I don't think. Maybe it's because I have size 1 diapers that the hospital gave me. So dumb. He is 6lbs 12oz right now. This thing is huge on him. Oh well, they are free!

I have never taken care of a 2 day old. Both of my kids were in the NICU. Abby till day 9 and Ethan till day 21. They were on schedules already, so was "Baby Girl". "Little Man" doesn't really cry so how do I know what's wrong? I knew if something was wrong with "Baby Girl"! I need Erwin now but he is off supporting us....... All of this was on a loop running through my head over and over again till Erwin got home later that 2nd day and I just bawled! I was scared. I was scared I wouldn't love him like I loved "Baby Girl". I was upset at myself for not knowing exactly what was wrong with him so I could fix it.  I was sooo nervous about the first visit with Bio-Mom. (more on that later) I haven't had to do anything besides love these babies with #1 & #2. Now there is a Mom involved. I thought I was ready. But I'm not. I miss "Baby Girl". I miss the routine and the expected. I miss her smile and her head on my shoulder. I can't stop crying and Erwin is going back to work in 2 days. To this day I sometimes forget how my husband is my other half. He literally balances me out. Like he has always said, we are like a puzzle that just fits! He got down in front of me as I held "Little Man" and said, "You are doing a great job! You are an amazing Mother!  "Little Man" is so lucky to have you. You are doing everything right! And you WILL love him as much as you loved "Baby Girl"." Thank God for him.

Later that night I had to pick the kids up from a party where I would run into a lot of my dear friends doing the same. I took the baby with me. I had lots of questions and lots of opportunities to speak of Angel's and their mission plus how much I love doing what I do. The next morning I was a whole new person. I was back on my feet again, a bit wobbly because "Little Man" is not exactly a good night sleeper, but I was standing ready to do this!

Nite! Nite!
Amy

Now what?

"Baby Girl" has been gone for 7 days now. Today, her Forever Parent #1 is bringing over the car seat they borrowed from us. I'm not sure I am ready to see her again and let her go... again! But I have to.  So, gonna just get it over with. I didn't tell the kids so when they saw who was walking up the drive, they stopped dead in their tracks. I opened the door and they really didn't know what to say. "Baby Girl" looked right at them and smiled her big ole smile! She knew exactly where she was. Oh crap, the tears again! Abby was not going to let me hold her for even a second and grabbed her to love on her a bit. All that was going through my mind was, "This was not a dream. It was all for real." FF1 and I sat  on the floor and talked all about the week they had. They said that when they got in the car with their precious screaming angel, they couldn't help but wonder how I just did what I did. They were worried about me. They started crying because they just took my "Baby Girl" from me and because they couldn't get "Baby Girl" to understand  that they were here to love her even more than we ever could. Amazing family I tell you. They shared all the exciting moments during the last week. Like surprising their friends and family and when their older daughter met her for the first time.  Having him tell me all of this just reinforced the feeling that we were doing all that we should be doing. And it's great!

2 weeks off and I am ready to love again. Kids have been ready since day 2. Hubby is so busy he can't see straight but is following my lead. I called and reactivated our family 3 days early since sometimes calls for newborns come before they are released. Here I am back to drawing board.  Every time the phone rings I grab it and hope it says "ANGELS - Kathleen". No such luck.  The thoughts go through my head that Angel's has lost my number or have decided we weren't the right kind of foster family. Why aren't they calling?? This week is dragging and I am praying every night for a baby to need me. How weird is that? Basically, I am praying for a Mom to lose her child. Gosh, that is horrible.  I would never wish that on anyone.  Prayers are being re-vamped to include the explanation "IF there is a baby in need, we are ready NOW." lol...

Friday is going to be a crazy day for us. Kids have short day at school, bringing them home 2 hours earlier.  Chores, homework, carpool & soccer. The routine. I was getting ready for my nap that morning to prepare for the hours ahead when the phone rang and wouldn't you know it was "ANGELS - Kathleen".  My heart was pounding out of my chest.  But I had to pretend I wasn't sitting on my phone waiting for her.

"A baby boy is going to be discharged today and we wanted to see if you would be interested." My mind was saying, "DUH! When can I pick him up?" My mouth opened up and said, "Sounds perfect. Let me call Er and run it by him." I eventually hung up the phone and just started crying. Well, screaming and crying.

5 hours later I am at the hospital with my kids and an extra kid in soccer attire waiting for the baby and the paperwork. I have 45 minutes to sign my name, put the baby and his belongings in the carrier and get these girls to practice. I did leave the hospital, late, with the kids and our "little man".

We are on our next journey and day one has already proven to be a whole new story to tell. To be continued -- lots of goings with our 2 day old "Little Man". 

Good Nite!
:)Amy

I'm missing something...

It's been a few days. She is still on my mind. I have a feeling she will be for far longer than I expected. There was something miraculous about this little one. She has touched the four of us like nothing or no one has ever done. With that said, every time I leave the house I stop what feels like a million times before I get in the car because I know I have forgotten something. There is always something missing. Only for a few seconds of course. Yesterday was the kids 1st day back to school from a fall break and Ethan opened the truck door in the morning. I locked our front door, turned around and he was just standing there looking in the truck. Automatic morning response from me, "Ethan what are you doing? GET in the car!!" He whispered back, "I can't Mom...."Baby Girl's" seat is gone." Ugh... Thank God that these kids will have school, friends and awesome teachers to focus on all day. It will help distract them from the thoughts of what we are missing.

The bottles are sitting in the blue bowl in the sink. Erwin would grab that bowl each night to wash and sterilize the bottles and paci's for the following day. Made things a lot easier for me to wake-up and grab one from the fridge while the kids were getting ready for school. For now, the bottles sit because Erwin can't get himself to wash them knowing they will be put away for awhile. There is a load of dirty baby clothes in the hamper and a clean load in the dryer. I can't get myself to do the laundry yet.

She is doing great! I actually get a few texts each day from "Baby Girl's" Forever Family, letting me know that she is adjusting perfectly. Still sleeping through the night and eating just fine. They have let me know again that I am welcome to call or text whenever I want. I am even welcome to visit too. This has got to be a dream! An amazing dream!

Naps are probably going to be the most restful piece of my days for awhile. Everywhere I go I have to explain where she is. I answer the new questions like, "Will you ever see her again?" "How could you do that?" "When will you get your next baby?" "Now what?"  Now, don't get me wrong. I feel so very fortunate to help educate so many people on how Angel's Foster Network works. I just need a little time to process what it is that Er, the kids and I just did. The kids however, are ready for a new Angel Baby to love and cherish!  Er and I are going to give it a couple of weeks so we can love and cherish our own grown babies. So, onto soccer practice, homework, volleyball games and a little TLC for Ethan and Abby and Ruby (our puppy-dog) too.

Good Nite!
:)Amy

GoodBye Sweet Sweet Girl

The doorbell rang and it was them. They were all aglow with love and excitement with a little bit of apprehension. I went over all the goodies I had packed up for her and the paperwork I handed over too. I still now feel like there is something I missed. That seems to be my only hang-up. Did I tell them that sometimes she likes the pacifier when she is super tired and can't eat yet? Did I tell them she likes to be bounced a little to help her sleep? I hope I said that she drinks the formula super fast sometimes and other times slow as molasses. Erwin reassures me I did.

I got to talk to FF2 (forever parent 2) for awhile too while Erwin did his protective Dad checklist with FF1 (forever parent 1). We have lots in common and they were really easy to talk to. One is quiet and one is super excited and I think it may be the fact that they have come so close to getting other babies for it to all change at the last second. I'm glad we've been able to be a part of this super day with them!

It's time and Erwin kisses her a few more times as she wakes up and hands her to FF1. They gently put her in the carrier and the crying begins. Not us yet. This was "Baby Girl" in all her might protesting this new move. She was not a happy camper. And there was nothing Er or I could do. She was scared. I think a little bit was exhaustion and that it was almost time for food. What I knew for a fact was her eyes were fixated on Erwin and I trying to get it through our heads that she wanted out! I gave her the favorite blankie and had Ethan sit next to her why we said goodbye to her new parents. FF1 gave me the biggest hug and I will never forget what they said,"Thank you so much Amy. And anytime you want to see her or hear her, just call! Really, I mean it. Just call!" That was it! My waterworks began.

They walked out, I shut the doors and fell into Erwin's arms. How could something so wonderful hurt so bad? I know it was the right thing. I know this family is her Forever Family. There were absolutely no doubts that this was God's plan for our little Angel. I couldn't stop the tears tho. Erwin just held me tightly. I think I cried even more because the person rubbing my back telling me what a great mom I had been to her and how I gave her everything I could, was Abby. I think Er and I prepared  the kids better than we prepared ourselves.

Saturday night was quiet. The kids didn't go back to school till Tuesday, so we had a few days to let this all settle. On Sunday it was just the 4 of us. Erwin shared with me later that week that he was going to play the lottery Saturday and if he won, we were going to adopt her. I guess he shared it with the kids but not me. Smart move. ;) We will now take each day as it comes; thinking of her as much as we can, I don't want to forget her. Somehow I don't think my heart will let me.