Exactly how we feel!!

Have you seen the movie The Odd Life of Timothy Green? Jennifer Garner stars in it. We watched it as a family one night. Not many movies allow us to do that these days. AMAZING! Obviously not real but the message hit our home and hearts strongly!

"If  you came to me and said there are two people in the world who want you more than anything,  they’ll do their best, they’ll make some mistakes, and you’ll only get them for a short time, but they will love you more than you can imagine…well when that’s true I’d say so much is possible.
-Timothy Green

This is what we do. This is how my family feels. Instead of "two people" we are four people. This is true of my family and my home. I haven't cried this hard at a movie in a very long time. It is partially my doing. I live, learn and act with all my heart. I can't even say it's on my sleeve since I think it's way to big for that. The rest of the responsibility for my overflowing cup I give to Angel's. They have made this statement above 100% true. So much is possible when Angel's is on your side. Like I have said before, I feel like I can rule the world with Angel's. For now, we are starting with a few beautiful newborn babies in San Diego.

Night!
:)Amy

First Visit Ever

"I'm going to jail tomorrow" for some reason flowed right out of my mouth when I was asked of my plans for Wednesday. lol... Not sure why... Probably because I have never ever stepped foot in any sort of jail or prison facility nor have a I ever come close to doing so.  Though, it was the truth and it stopped every person in their tracks when it was first heard. Those who knew me very well would be waiting for a punchline to the joke. Those who just knew me needed an explanation of some sort because they were really confused and shocked.

"Little Man" and I had to meet his social worker Kim at the Juvenile Hall facility at 2pm where we would visit with Bio-Mom and a few other adults for about an hour. I was nervous but I was also sooo ready.  I haven't done any visits for the last two Angel Babies and I felt this was a big part of what we were trained for. I'm packed and I'm ready and I go and then wow! Reality SMACK in the face! There was Kim in the waiting room and another older lady. 60's or 70's. Before I could say hi to Kim, the lady asked if my baby was "Little Man"?  I said yes and asked her who she was? It was Bio-Grandma. (a piece of the puzzle) She was also going to be in on the visit. We were escorted inside another room and waited for the door to close behind us. Then escorted into another room  where we would find the conference room.  I'll be honest, I thought I was going to see some cells or rooms in the distance but it's not like that.  It's like a corporate office.  Kim knocked on the door and entered to find a huge table, tons of chairs and an officer sitting in the corner very stern looking on a computer. She was obviously very busy and we weren't to interrupt.  I was so glad that I had spoken to Bio-Mom's supervising officer on site prior to my visit. She is super nice and I felt very comfortable with her. She walked in with Bio-Mom. Bio-Mom looked exactly like she did when I saw her in the hospital minus the withdrawal symptoms and the tears. And instead of a hospital gown she was wearing a green t-shirt and blue pants that were both way to big for her and a pair of flip flops with socks. We exchanged hello's and I handed her "Little Man". The rest was me answering questions from the officer, the psychologist and Bio-Grandma. At least that was all that was happening while I watched a teenage prisoner hold, change and feed my baby. 

"Little Man" and I left after the hour. Bio-Mom and I still on good terms. I asked Kim how I did. Did I say too much? Did I help too much? Should I have let her struggle with his clothes while trying to change his wiggly pudgy body? I did everything right in her eyes. So all was good. Only feeling I had and wasn't sure how to handle was me wanting to give him a bath right when we got home. It's a horrible thought. I wanted to wash off her kisses and touches from my baby boy.  His Daddy and I are the only ones who are allowed to nuzzle in those cheeks and suck on those fingers. (she didn't do that but ya know what I mean) Needless to say, there was no bath, some wipes, but no bath and I held him for the rest of the day!

:)Amy

Bits and Pieces

I think I am coming upon a weakness of mine within this Foster Care journey. As every day passes we sit and wait for instructions or information on what will happen next. For me, that works great. My anxiety that I fight in all other aspects of my life is kept at bay with all the last minute updates. (I'm a super-star with last minute anything!) The downside is it's only bits and pieces. We are not privy to any information at all. We don't have any rights to know anything accept the well being of our "little man".  This is killing me! I just want to know how the puzzle fits together is all. Why is Bio-Mom in jail? Why hasn't the Bio-Dad been found? Or maybe he has? Why wasn't "little man" given to his Bio-Grandma? I need to get over it. But it is going to be so hard. It really makes no huge difference to how we love and care for "little man". It will just satisfy my need to have answers.

Speaking of bits and pieces. It seems that is all I am able to give Bio-Mom when she makes her phone calls once a week. Prior to the actual call I am always going over our conversation in my head. I want to make sure I am giving her all the information that I would want to know myself if I were in her shoes. I talked to her once for about 3 minutes last week till my phone cut out. I felt horrible!! The one chance she gets to find out how her baby is and I drive down a road with no coverage! I left messages for his social worker and my social worker asking if she could have another call since it was my fault the call ended early. The second call was longer. All my practice "calls in my head" had no relevance. Bio-Mom asked the questions and I tried to give as much detail as I could. She was very interested in what he looked like. That was about it. It was very weird to have to edit my speech when telling a story. Instead of "Abby", it's "my daughter". Instead of "at the Volleyball game" it's "at the gym".  It all turns out to be bits and pieces of her baby's life. The conversation went well overall. I'm able to email her supervising Parole Officer pictures that she will then print out for her. That makes me feel good. After I hang up, I have to kind of evaluate how I did and how I am feeling. I need to back up and remember who I just spoke with. A drug addict who is incarcerated and had her child taken from her. My heart has been pulled back in and I am back to reality.

Nite Nite!
:)Amy

I'm TIRED!!

I'm tired people...so tired. But asking for help is completely out of the question of course. Why would I make things easier for myself? I'm tired mentally, physically and definitely just headed into the emotionally exhausted mode.

"Little Man" is not the sleeper we always hoped for. I think we have it narrowed down to bad digestive system. He seems to get the worst gas pains in the evening. We have started the Mylecon treatments hoping it's the trick. --- That was 2 weeks ago. No solutions here. Still our little almost 6 week old has stuck to his every 3 hours, 4 oz and well into the night. I get to the frustrated point a few times a week. Mostly the days where I don't get a nap to re-fuel! I just wish he could tell me exactly what he is feeling. Is it his belly? Is it the abdominal hernia? (Nice huh? Dr notes "Don't worry, unless he is in pain." And I am supposed to know that how?) Or maybe he is hungry? In the middle of the check-off list I remember he is only 4 weeks and 5 weeks old. He is still figuring things out. Chill Momma Chill!

During the day he is a sweet sweet boy and everyone around him has begun their deep deep love affair. This translates into very little effort on my part when we are out and about. Moms take a number just to get a few minutes of his chubbiness in their arms. I'm beginning to get the "he's big for his age..."comments. I just respond with, "We like the 2 or 3 chins look!" lol... I'm not sure what a baby looks like without 2 or 3 chins, come to think of it. ;)

Looking forward to the weekends. This is when Erwin is home and able to do the morning feedings and let me sleep in. Sooo good!!

"Little Man" has been to Sea World, high school volleyball playoffs, soccer games and next week we are going to Tea in La Jolla! Unfortunately the day before Tea we are going to Jail. My first visit, my first time in jail for any reason and I have no idea what to say or do. Should be nothing less than interesting!

:)Amy

New Things

When the phone call comes in we don't get a ton of information about the Angel we are about to save. A few basics that will help us make the decision to pick up the baby or not. Our sweet "Little Man" comes with very few medical issues but a long road of family issues we fear. Bio-Mom is in the picture although incarcerated. We don't know of a Bio-Dad yet. Probably because Bio-Mom is not an adult as of yet. She has chosen the hardest life I can imagine if I was a kid. "Little Man" has had no complications and looks absolutely perfect. He has some hair on his little round head. It's a light brown and even though it's not blonde or red and there are no freckles on his tiny cheeks, he could be mistaken as my own.

Picking him up was pretty much what I expected. Paperwork, instructions on caring for a newborn, more paperwork, etc. Until, I'm told that Bio-Mom wants to meet me. Ok I can do this. As long as Kathleen, my Angel's worker is right next to me. We walked into her hospital room and she is hysterically crying and shaking. Crying because a total stranger is taking her baby. Shaking because she has not had a hit in at least 2 days. When I looked past that I saw one of Erwin's students. One of our Volleyball players. This is insane. I introduced myself, first name only. I explained that I had two kids of my own and my husband and I are not interested in having anymore kids but we are going to be taking care of babies that need us. I told her how I will be feeding him, loving him, keeping him warm and most importantly waiting for her to get her things together so I can return him to her.  Kathleen explained how I will be the only family "Little Man" will ever be with till she gets him back. She just nodded her head and started to ask some more legal questions of Kathleen. She was looking for some reassurance that everything will be ok and she will get him back. So sad, since I knew deep down that she might not. When her door closed behind me, I took the biggest breath! Almost as if I had been holding my breath the entire time.

2 days later "Little Man's" social worker calls and informs me that visits aren't the first priority right now. Bio-Mom is now in jail for about 30 days. Awe man! I felt horrible. What more can this girl go through?! 5 days after that, another call comes in... we will now have "Little Man" in our life well into the new year. What is going on? No one knows yet.  But I do know that we have come upon a whole new journey. Lots to learn and lots of love to give.

Bright side - we have received a bee-utiful baby boy as an early Christmas gift. But it really is time to get my training binder out and study up on how things might be going. New things and fun times I hope.

Nite! Nite!
:)Amy

How do I do this??

Who is this sweet sweet "Little Man" I am holding? He is so tiny and such a boy! All these memories of my "Baby Girl" are flooding my mind and I am trying to fight it by staring at "little man".  I don't feel the same way as I did about her. Not to mention how do I take care of a 2 day old? Why isn't he drinking all of his measly 2oz? His diaper isn't wet enough I don't think. Maybe it's because I have size 1 diapers that the hospital gave me. So dumb. He is 6lbs 12oz right now. This thing is huge on him. Oh well, they are free!

I have never taken care of a 2 day old. Both of my kids were in the NICU. Abby till day 9 and Ethan till day 21. They were on schedules already, so was "Baby Girl". "Little Man" doesn't really cry so how do I know what's wrong? I knew if something was wrong with "Baby Girl"! I need Erwin now but he is off supporting us....... All of this was on a loop running through my head over and over again till Erwin got home later that 2nd day and I just bawled! I was scared. I was scared I wouldn't love him like I loved "Baby Girl". I was upset at myself for not knowing exactly what was wrong with him so I could fix it.  I was sooo nervous about the first visit with Bio-Mom. (more on that later) I haven't had to do anything besides love these babies with #1 & #2. Now there is a Mom involved. I thought I was ready. But I'm not. I miss "Baby Girl". I miss the routine and the expected. I miss her smile and her head on my shoulder. I can't stop crying and Erwin is going back to work in 2 days. To this day I sometimes forget how my husband is my other half. He literally balances me out. Like he has always said, we are like a puzzle that just fits! He got down in front of me as I held "Little Man" and said, "You are doing a great job! You are an amazing Mother!  "Little Man" is so lucky to have you. You are doing everything right! And you WILL love him as much as you loved "Baby Girl"." Thank God for him.

Later that night I had to pick the kids up from a party where I would run into a lot of my dear friends doing the same. I took the baby with me. I had lots of questions and lots of opportunities to speak of Angel's and their mission plus how much I love doing what I do. The next morning I was a whole new person. I was back on my feet again, a bit wobbly because "Little Man" is not exactly a good night sleeper, but I was standing ready to do this!

Nite! Nite!
Amy

Now what?

"Baby Girl" has been gone for 7 days now. Today, her Forever Parent #1 is bringing over the car seat they borrowed from us. I'm not sure I am ready to see her again and let her go... again! But I have to.  So, gonna just get it over with. I didn't tell the kids so when they saw who was walking up the drive, they stopped dead in their tracks. I opened the door and they really didn't know what to say. "Baby Girl" looked right at them and smiled her big ole smile! She knew exactly where she was. Oh crap, the tears again! Abby was not going to let me hold her for even a second and grabbed her to love on her a bit. All that was going through my mind was, "This was not a dream. It was all for real." FF1 and I sat  on the floor and talked all about the week they had. They said that when they got in the car with their precious screaming angel, they couldn't help but wonder how I just did what I did. They were worried about me. They started crying because they just took my "Baby Girl" from me and because they couldn't get "Baby Girl" to understand  that they were here to love her even more than we ever could. Amazing family I tell you. They shared all the exciting moments during the last week. Like surprising their friends and family and when their older daughter met her for the first time.  Having him tell me all of this just reinforced the feeling that we were doing all that we should be doing. And it's great!

2 weeks off and I am ready to love again. Kids have been ready since day 2. Hubby is so busy he can't see straight but is following my lead. I called and reactivated our family 3 days early since sometimes calls for newborns come before they are released. Here I am back to drawing board.  Every time the phone rings I grab it and hope it says "ANGELS - Kathleen". No such luck.  The thoughts go through my head that Angel's has lost my number or have decided we weren't the right kind of foster family. Why aren't they calling?? This week is dragging and I am praying every night for a baby to need me. How weird is that? Basically, I am praying for a Mom to lose her child. Gosh, that is horrible.  I would never wish that on anyone.  Prayers are being re-vamped to include the explanation "IF there is a baby in need, we are ready NOW." lol...

Friday is going to be a crazy day for us. Kids have short day at school, bringing them home 2 hours earlier.  Chores, homework, carpool & soccer. The routine. I was getting ready for my nap that morning to prepare for the hours ahead when the phone rang and wouldn't you know it was "ANGELS - Kathleen".  My heart was pounding out of my chest.  But I had to pretend I wasn't sitting on my phone waiting for her.

"A baby boy is going to be discharged today and we wanted to see if you would be interested." My mind was saying, "DUH! When can I pick him up?" My mouth opened up and said, "Sounds perfect. Let me call Er and run it by him." I eventually hung up the phone and just started crying. Well, screaming and crying.

5 hours later I am at the hospital with my kids and an extra kid in soccer attire waiting for the baby and the paperwork. I have 45 minutes to sign my name, put the baby and his belongings in the carrier and get these girls to practice. I did leave the hospital, late, with the kids and our "little man".

We are on our next journey and day one has already proven to be a whole new story to tell. To be continued -- lots of goings with our 2 day old "Little Man". 

Good Nite!
:)Amy